Scared and worried

Hi Stitch 0206,

I am so sorry to hear about everything you have been going through with your mum. I know you have been feeling the need to stay strong, but please remember that it is completely natural to feel scared and overwhelmed at times like this. You are not letting anyone down for feeling like that.

People often overlook the fact that having a loved one with a cancer diagnosis can be every bit as challenging and distressing as having a diagnosis yourself. When supporting your mum as you have been, it is essential you have support for yourself too. I hope you will be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you have been doing your very best in an incredibly difficult situation.

If you would find it helpful, perhaps you might consider calling our Information and Support Team using the Macmillan Support Line. This team is an excellent first port-of-call for beginning to get practical and emotional support arranged. They are there to listen to your story, and to plan out what support would be most beneficial for your situation.

They’re also there for emotional support whenever you need it, so if you ever just need to talk, they’ll be there to listen. The Information and Support Team are available from 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week, on freephone 0808 808 00 00. You can also contact them by email, or via live webchat.

You can also talk to them about how best to tell your kids about your mum’s situation. As a little introductory information, we do have a few guides on our information pages, which I will link to below:

• Macmillan online information – Advice on how to talk about cancer
  
  
• Macmillan online information – Talking to children and teenagers about cancer

Those guides contain links to other external support resources too, so they are well worth checking out.

I hope you will continue to share your thoughts and feelings with members of the Online Community. You might like to share your feelings on our Emotional support forum. It’s full of compassionate and friendly Community members who know what it’s like to struggle with uncertainty and worry.

Please know that you don’t have to face these challenges alone, Stitch 0206. Macmillan and the Online Community will be here for you whenever you need us.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I can relate to how you feel. It's so heartbreaking to hear that our parents have cancer and to see them suffer. 

My dad has terminal bowel cancer (he's got a stoma, the cancer has spread to his stomach and and liver) , when he was initially diagnosed he was in hospital for 3 months and there were many occasions we weren't sure if he'll make it out of there. His prognosis was "weeks/months" when he was discharged from hospital. Amazingly he's still here after a year back at home but the doctors always talk in terms of "months". It feels like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I'm grateful I've this extra time with my dad and to gradually process my emotions. I remember how tough it was when my dad was first diagnosed and we nearly lost him, each day was like living my worst nightmare, I don't know how I got through it. I was so overwhelmed. Recently my dad is starting to feel pain and I'm now going through those "I might be losing my dad soon" feelings again. This time the feeling is less intense and raw cos I've had a bit more time to mentally prepare myself but it doesn't make the fear and anxiety go away. 

Whatever you feel is perfectly normal, it shows how much you love your mum. It's such a shock to the system to hear the bad news and to see our parents suffering. I've cried so much, I dunno how I got myself through those 3 months when my dad was in hospital. I took an hour at a time, a day at a time. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, my family aren't good at letting their emotions out. I'm so grateful for the Macmillan helpline, I called then several times for emotional support. The most important thing is to get enough sleep and rest, not to burn yourself out. It's emotionally exhausting, so try not to be physically exhausted too. My dad doesn't do emotions and would hate to see me cry, so I have force myself to put on a brave face. Maybe it's ok to have a cry with your mum? You won't be letting her down if you need to cry in front of her. I guess it depends on the personality of our parents. 

I've also called the Marie Curie helpline when my dad was discharged from hospital cos I was so scared of losing him, they deal with end of life care. I needed someone to talk to about this depressing topic. I'm so grateful for all these charities and this online forum. My dad's palliative care team are also very supportive. 

I wish I can say some magic words and the overwhelming feelings will go away. All I can say is to take it a step at a time and reach out for support. We are always here for you if you want to write and there are helplines available if you want to talk to someone.

Sending you strength and a big hug x