How to cope when mum seems to have given up

Hi Bellaq. My mum was diagnosed on the 16th Feb this year with womb cancer which has spread and is unfortunately incurable too. She is really struggling with the diagnosis as are we all. But I’ve notice some similarities between our mums. Not eating or drinking often, not doing her hair which was always done. And most importantly not really talking to anyone. I can only imagine how both mums feel (mine is 71) I think we all think we are going to live for ever and when told that for you that is not the case it must be devastating. My mum starts radiotherapy next week for a few weeks then chemo to try and make her more comfortable I know she’s in pain which is why she’s not doing much more than sitting on the sofa. I feel like she’s fading in front of me. I feel exactly the same as you I go from utter devastation to anger. I think as children we just need/hope to see our parents fight a bit harder to stay with us. I hope I would in her position but I don’t know. I am here if you want to chat anytime. Am sending you love and hugs. Xx

Hiya, Thankyou so much for your reply. It really helps to know that people understand what we are going through. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I’m the same- I’m so frustrated I could go crazy but then feel guilty. I also feel so disappointed I guess that she isn’t putting up any kind of fight. A whole mix of emotions isn’t it? Sending love xxx

Hi, going through a similar experience my mum has cancer of the oesophagus. My mum has had chemo and 5 weeks of radiotherapy, she is so tired and not interested in much I do feel mean telling her she has to eat and try to do things. She's my mum we are close but it feels she slipping away and given up the fight. It breaks my heart seeing her so fragile i sometimes want to run away from it. It's tough you always think your parents look after you but feel like the parent. I miss my mum even thoe she is still here .

Hi Em28, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. 
I miss my mum too, even though I still physically have her. I’ve lost her in many other ways. She has lost all fight and hasn’t even had any treatment yet. Each one keeps getting cancelled as she isn’t looking after herself. I get so angry at times and then feel guilty: hard to know how to deal with these feelings xxx

Hi Bellaq-and all the other people going through the same. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation and your poor mum. I understand what you’re going through. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer first week of January, completely out of the blue. She’s 82 but has always been so youthful and healthy. She lives with my dad, both of them 150 miles away from me. Between then and now I’ve been living with them off and on but at start of this week, have moved in for the foreseeable. My poor mum weighs just over 6 and a half stone and just can’t/won’t eat. I was here last only 2 weeks ago but the decline since then and even this week has been swift. She sleeps and barely speaks. It’s cripplingly devastating to watch and I’m in a permanent state of dread and fear, as I believe she now only has weeks, rather than months. I’m already heartbroken and grieving for the mum I’m losing-even though she’s still here. Friends, and even my partner have gone a bit quiet on me-I think they have no idea what to say and I think hearing about someone losing a parent triggers difficult feelings of their own. Still, I’d love it if they got in touch just to let me vent. I usually find there’s a rush to ‘try and find the positives’ with people saying stuff like ‘well at least you’re there’ or ‘I’m sure you can find some joy and something nice to do during the holiday.’ Well meaning but unhelpful. I mean of course I’m here and no, we’re not finding any joy in the holiday! But I feel guilty for even saying this. I try and get out for a walk each day, just so I can have a cry away from my dad who is trying so hard to be strong himself... it’s a beyond difficult situation. I know my mum is 82 and I’m happy we’ve had the time together we have but this was so unexpected and cancer can be so, so cruel that I can only rage at the unfairness of it all. I’m just so sorry for anyone going through the same

Hi all,

I am so sorry to read your stories on here and so grateful to you all reaching out to each other. Cancer sucks.

If is so hard watching a loved one go though this process and it is not all al uncommon to hear the phrase "they have given up the fight" but that can swing the other way - if only they had fought a little bit harder they could have beaten the cancer. For my wife a cure was never on the cards - but the treatment has rendered her cancer stable - it caused a lung to collapse - she has had six of those - but that is fixable.

Feeling guilty goes pretty much with the territory here - as does the emotion "It is not fair". Our counsellor once said that "what would fair looklike? Should everyone have cancer?".

Often we talk on here about pre-grief and there is a really strong saying I go to "“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

Thanks again for sharing and for helping us all know we are not alone.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Sending love to you cancer is cruel and heartbreaking for everyone it touches. I do the same I walk my dog for hours crying I hide it from my dad who like yours is bring so brave and strong for my mum. I do try to think how lucky I am to have such fantastic parents but sometimes it hurts so much because I miss my mum. It's a comfort to know my feelings are normal. Thank you for sharing your feelings xxx

Thank you for reading my message. I hope your mum gets her treatment really soon. I don't want to the nagging daughter telling her to eat I feel awful I just love her and it really hurts seeing her so down. This really helps talking to other people going through the same emotions makes me feel human. Seeing my love xx

Cancer really socks x glad your wife is stable x it's so nice to know we are not alone x