My dad

Hi Aimee, sorry to hear about this  I am in a similar situation myself, my Dad has stage 4 oseophageal cancer and is in hospital at the moment. My mum also has lung cancer, she has been recovering well now for a few years after chemotherapy, her cancer is 'dormant' right now. However, her mental health is particularly bad so trying to juggle being there for my Dad and dealing with my mum's mental health, alongside my own - has been very challenging! I'm 33 (so not too much older, but still!), but dealing with all that at age 21 must be really hard, along with the previous experiences in your family too! Life can be so cruel can't it. You're not alone though and it's great that you've shared things. Happy to chat through things with you if you like 

Sorry to hear this Aimee - similar to the other response here, I’m in a similar situation with my dad. He’s been a healthy individual as well as is fairly young (early 60s) so it was surprise. 
I cannot imagine what it feels like at 21, considering I’m not sure how to handle it at 32. Here to chat if you’d like. Take care!

Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry to hear about both your parents; that sounds incredibly challenging to deal with all at once. It’s really helpful to connect with someone who knows what it’s like to be the 'strong one' for the family while struggling yourself. I’d love to keep chatting, it helps to not feel so isolated. Sending you strength for everything you’re dealing with at the hospital ️

Thank you so much for your message. It really was such a shock, especially seeing someone who was always so active and healthy go through this. It’s strangely comforting to know that even being a bit older doesn't make it any easier to figure out, it makes me feel less 'silly' for struggling with it at 21. I’m sorry you’re going through this with your dad too. I’d definitely like to keep in touch and chat. ️

Dear Aimee, my heart goes out to you and the family. 21 is such a young age to be going through all this.My Dad has stage 4 bowel cancer which spread to his lungs and liver, and really struggling with his second bout of chemo. Much like yours, Dad himself has always been fit and healthy up until his diagnosis. That was 2 years ago and he's now 77. We lost Grandad to lung cancer, and Mum has a severe mental disorder meaning she's not able to support Dad in the way she would like to. He's lost lots of weight and it's terrifying seeing him battle with even the simplest of physical tasks. When someone tells you they feel like they're just 'existing' day to day, and have lost all their lustre, it breaks the toughest of hearts. It feels like your story is so similar to mine so I had to reach out. I've not got a support network other than my brother and partner, so the emotional stress is incredibly high. We can only do our best, pray, and stay as strong as possible so that our loved one can navigate this rollerocoaster. Hugs and kisses xxx

Hi Aimee I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 14 and struggling to help my Dad through it now 20 years later. The memories and triggering of the past trauma is really hard. I think it’s important to remember you don’t always have to be strong and give yourself some space to process everything too. I have had some tough conversations with my Dad about how important it is for him to be honest with me so that I can help him the way he needs but also to help manage my own anxieties. 

I’ve also been going to counselling and I really would recommend it especially if this is bringing up past issues for you. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that :)

My Dad also has a catheter but weirdly it doesn’t bother me much. He was in a lot of pain before he got it. Do you know if your Dad will always need one? It could just be temporary.

Sorry that turned into a bit of an essay - just remember you’re not alone! Sending good energy your way x

Thank you so so much for your message. I’m so incredibly sorry about what your dad is going through with his chemo, it sounds so tough for him and for you to watch.

It’s actually crazy how similar our situations are. Seeing my dad go from being so fit and healthy to this is the scariest thing, and it’s so hard when your mum has her own struggles and can't really be the support you need. I totally get what you mean about just existing, some days I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I don't really have a partner or siblings to lean on, so hearing from you has made me feel way less alone today. Thank you for being so kind and reaching out to me. Sending you and your dad so much love and a huge hug back! xxx

Thank you so much for your message and for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you lost your mum so young, I can totally relate to how much that past trauma makes everything happening now feel so much heavier.

I definitely agree that I need to give myself more space to process things, it’s just so hard when you feel like you have to be the strong one all the time! I really like what you said about being honest with your dad to help manage your anxiety, I think I need to try and have a talk like that with mine. I’ve definitely thought about counseling too, I think it would help to have someone to talk to since I don't have much of a support system.

The catheter is  just temporary while he heals from the surgery, but seeing him like that is still a bit of a shock to the system. Thank you for your reply  and the good energy, it really means a lot and makes me feel less alone! x

You’re so welcome. I know what you mean about not having time to give yourself space. Being the strong one helps me feel a bit more in control at times and other times just so completely out of my depth!

I turned to counselling because of the small support system too - it’s nice having a space that’s just for me to talk about myself and not feel selfish for focussing on something other than my Dad. 

Glad your Dad’s catheter is temporary at least :) 

xx

Hi Aimee, 

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. I felt really called to respond to this as I have a very similar experience. I’m also 21 and both my parents are undergoing cancer treatment. I cannot explain the anger that I felt at first, it ate me up for months and was always there. I didn’t understand why this was happening to my family and thought I’d done something in my life to deserve this. Your twenties are often such a hard and confusing time of life let alone adding parents with cancer to the mix! There’s also such a pressure for your early 20s to be the best most selfish years of your life and it can be difficult seeing people you know being able to experience what you can’t. I totally understand how hard it is to watch a parent recover from surgery; my mum had a craniotomy to remove a brain tumour and watching her losing a lot of her independence and seeing her hair fall out etc was crushing. It is a pain I do not wish on anyone. I remember seeing her at points post surgery and wondering who this person was! I think we often want to keep strong for our parents as they’ve done for us but please remember you don’t have to be strong all the time and you can have bad days too. The light in all of this is that it has really shown me what is and isn’t important in life. Remember to fill your cup and still do things that you enjoy, may that be exercise or calling friends etc and on the bad days sometimes that makes it a little easier. I know it feels isolating but you’re not alone, please don’t bottle it all up as there are so many people that care and understand. Please do feel free to message me if you ever want a chat. 
Sending strength and warmth to you and your family,

hang in there xx