Hi all. This is my first post here, so some (brief) background.
My partner (female) and I (male) have been together about 5 years. We don’t live together, we both have kids (older teens) but we did plan to move in together, but that was put on hold. She’s been fighting ovarian cancer for about 2.5 years now, it went from a surgery, to cancer, to more surgery, to stage 2, stage 4, more surgery, a myriad of chemo drugs, trips to London to see about trials, but ultimately to no end. I was there through every step, but still felt powerless.
The week before Christmas she was in hospital, she had been in and out a lot recently and we were told that she has 3 months left. Further treatment would make things worse, they would not resuscitate in the event of something major, and it was palliative care now.
She has moved in with her parents, I visit almost daily, but I can’t shake the guilt of feeling I should be doing more, I should be the one doing things for her. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do - I’m so used to solving problems, I’m used to fixing things in work. I still have to work and sort kids and ferry to football while also making sure she is ok and going over to see her.
I feel guilty for thinking about how I will be in the future. I hate myself for allowing myself to even think about me in all this. I’m normally so in control of everything. And now I just don’t really know what to do. I have some teary moments when I’m alone, but I try to keep it to myself and not dwell, I try to make sure I’m Mr Positive all the time, I can’t quite bring myself to accept it. I’m feeling a little bit lost.
hi Pritsey
Welcome to our community, I hope you find it both informative and supportive.
I am Steve one of the community champions and my expereince of cancer is via my wife who has Leiomyosarcoma.
Guilt is a very common emotion when someone we care for has cancer as we can see in Your feelings when someone has cancer
The other thing that often happens is we can feel anticipatory grief and there is a really good article on that here.
I found crying to be quite postiive at times, though I often used to do it in the shower then any red-eyes could be blamed on the soap.
Glad you found the strengt to post on here because many will feel just like you.
<<hugs>>
Steve
