Having a bad day

Hello Maisiemae,

I have read your posts with such a heavy heart, with what you have gone through, you are such an amazing woman, and an inspiration ( certainly you Mum's daughter ). I found that the time between my Mum's passing and her funeral I was in coping mode. Totally broke down at funeral. We all handle this differently, and how difficult for you that your siblings are so difficult. I suppose I was lucky in a way, as the oldest, my siblings looked to me to take the lead ( and still do ) and that is a whole other story! I am sending positive and healing thoughts your way. I really wish you well.

Take care, Anneteresa

Maisiemae that's the wonder and safety and beauty of this group! The fact even though not audible we can talk to each other, help and share our sadness our fears our loneliness. I truly feel your pain, it's truly terrible and this week is going so slowly with the funeral on Friday I just want it over, can't sleep can't eat much dared not have a drink as probably won't stop until the gin bottles are empty . Done some retail therapy online, books and stuff . They have forecast snow and ridiculously low temperatures forhere in Yorkshire too so that could add to the drama!! Still my beloved Jill loved the snow and liked cold weather because she didn't like flying insects of any kind especially wasps , they brought out a dose of expletives so cold and snowy on Friday the 13th in a plum coloured coffin with all congregation to wear some plum or purple so it's not just black is just about as perfect as it could be for her send off. Coincidentally it snowed on our wedding day too in 98 in march .... lovely x

You will be ok maisiemae even though you don't feel it , I have read enough on this site to make me know I will be ok eventually and all these friends are always here , take care , one hour at a time that's what my boys and I did for the 1st week. It's so hard but we are with you 

Yantibee, how lovely in a way if it does snow.  

A day at a time seems sound advice. It sounds unimaginably hard from this side but I've read on here too others experiences and that it does become bearable. I'm not sure I'd find it easy to believe but there is hope that so many others say they have survived grief.

Maisiemae your heart I know is broken.  Thinking of you. 

Love.

Jx

AT. Thankyou for your kind supportive words. At times this site is like writing a journal which talks. Very holding. Much like mum,i just do whats right for me, not always approved of my mum and I 'too out there with straight talk, heart on sleeve'. There will be what i call 'the tutters' when i help carry mums coffin - let them silently tut. Mum carried us and now its our turn to send her off to the next place without burden. Im slightly Buddhist biased... I pick and choose what i believe. Im full of love but for some reason being tested by the hostility from sister and my beloved niece. AT you support so beautifully, i recognise it, but what do you need from us? Just because this is the 2nd time for you i dont want to miss your kind face in the crowd x

Dear yantibee

I will be wearing purple on Friday in Jill's honour too

Xxx

Niobe

Elenium how are things today?

Jx

Hi all,

You've all been in my thoughts, especially maisiemae and yantibee.  

Maisemae stuff the tutters.  I think that you carrying the coffin is a wonderful idea.  I think your mum would appreciate it too. Stuff the rest of them too.  You are an amazing woman.  You've done so much and they are all rubbish!   

Yantibee, I too will wear purple on Friday for your lovely Jill.  I'll be thinking of you and your boys all day on Friday.

I went to my first counselling session yeasterday.  It was very draining.  I told him everything about mum, crappy siblings, arse of a brother in law, other stuff that I've got going on outside of all this.  He said 'Yes, you do have rather a lot going on' which did make me smile (though my tears, red swollen eyes and red blocked up nose - not a pretty sight!). Massive understatement...  I was so tired afterwards I was falling asleep standing up on the tube.  Ended up coming home early from work as I fell asleep in my lunch hour.  Glad I went though.  

With mum today.  We took her to the fracture clinic and they've taken the plaster off and she's got it strapped up now.  So glad.  Mum is really happy about it.  She was really wide awake and chatty when I got here.  She was even making jokes about my sisters 'driving' of the wheelchair.  It was lovely to see her like that.  I think it really took it out of her though.  She's currently sleeping so that she'll be awake when her cousin comes to see her this afternoon.  Told me to stop talking to her.  :-)  She's even picking up her cup of tea and drinking it without help.  A good day so far.

How is everyone else?  I hope you are all ok, as much as you can be.

Hugs and love. X

The dissociated feeling is shock, it is completely normal. Our subconscious minds titrate the grief and protect us from ourselves, I think.

Thinking of you all.

PS bollocks to the tutters.

V fed up this pm. Hospital tomorrow mum feels worse. The washing machine broke down and aunt finally resorted to being arsey. ..

Thankfully sister was here so we both wallowed in stagnant water together. 

Dreading tomorrow. 

How's everyone else doing? 

Maisiemae carrying the coffin is just right ..tutters are twits.

Good to hear about your mum Elenium.

Sue. How are you today?

Yantibee purple will be worn. 

Hug. 

Jx

Hi everyone hope you are all as well as can be 

Today was nice, spent the day playing golf with my two boys, they have been wonderful for me and I know they are at my side ready to help me when I fall as I am for them

I wrote the eulogy for the funeral and showed it to the boys to get their thoughts, they both said it was perfect which has made my day complete as it was important to me that they were happy with my words and that they felt I had managed to capture a sense of Jill in a couple of pages 

Ignored the phone all day with the "fuckwits"( thanks for that one maisiemae!) calling, quiet day at home Thursday just preparing for jills final goodbye.

 Missing her like I can't believe and every time I say that I cry but I do miss her, lots. Her smile her eyes her hugs her kiss it's so so painful her not been here with me.

 I don't like it and I want her back even if it's just for a moment just to hold her I would give anything and everything for that . 

Love to you all x