Having a bad day

It must be horrible having to tell everyone but how lovely that people are telling you how much she helped them.  Your mum sounds like a lovely person and obviously you take after her.

I think you carrying the coffin is good, I think i would like to do that too.  No black is a good idea too.

I've been thinking of you all day maisiemae.  I wish I could be with you.  I just want to do something to help you.

Sending youa big hug. X

Oh you cld help by bumping off my aunt. When is this when is that how when why where... My mother died tuesday i gave funeral date and location the next day! Please can people back the fuck off . Mums husband is now in a home with his clothes with already sewn in labels. Ive cancelled lots of mums things... Worked and cried and travelled a long way getting home late thursday night - its saturday. Im asking who wants to read what, flowers, catering oh and the full time job i have and a sister who couldnt take time off while mum was alive for a friggin year is now off all last week!!!!shoot me now.   Bless you and yes i think i am like my mother in training, she was much wiser than me, she would have said back off by now! Xxx

This is hard to write. I love mummy, did anything for her, am tangled inside about the guilt of her not passing at home. I cant let it go. For the last 4 days she wouldnt look at me nor acknowledge me. However, if what i feel is true i dont think, if and i say if, i upset her, it doesnt unravel how much much we loved each other for the rest of the years. Honestly, i wouldnt want mum back alive as she was, the mental torture along with the physical was unacceptable. Of course ive cried, howled, collapsed on hospital floor. But, i thought i would be worse and i feel guilty. Is it possible, that we grieved together while she was alive and actually she helped me through it? She did no wrong, she could be naughty but nice, Elenium, Jenny, Sue, Yantibee, she would ask after you. How dare I be better than i thought i would be. I can plan small things. Is this bad? 

Maisiemae I think it is form of relief from the trauma you witnessed?....I think that the awful bit is over don't feel guilt. It's not a lack of sadness at losing your wonderful Mum. It's knowledge that the torture this disease brings is at an end.

Time to breathe and love your Mum still as the wonderful person she was.

Hug.

Jx

...and yes plan small things you haven't been able to do that for a LONG TIME...

Jx

Dear maisiemae, after all you have been through I hate to think of you beating yourself up for seeing a chunk of blue sky. It's normal for your feelings to ebb and flow and you don't have to be on your knees with pain all day to be grieving most sincerely and to miss your mum. I think our minds give us these wee breaks, when life seems like it might possibly be OK for a bit, and I am learning to make the most of them as a respite. It's also quite possible that you did some of the anticipatory grieving together.

I also think it is ok to feel relief that you don't have to be a carer any more and that the person is no longer suffering. Although I also feel guilty about that bit. I am not an expert just stumbling through my own grief trying to believe that my brain knows what it's doing.

I hope you are planning little things that will bring you pleasure and comfort. I think you deserve lots of both. Peace to you.

Maisiemae don't feel guilty. You did everything for your mum and she knew it. She loved you as much as you loved her. I think you did do some grieving while she was still with you. I know that I am. I think that's natural. The relief you feel is also natural. She's at peace now and has no more pain. Why wouldn't you be relieved about that? 

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty but you will because it's human nature. I'm sure it will ease with time. 

Sending you love and hugs. X

Hi All,

I haven't been ignoring you all I promise. 

I just seem to have hit a wall made of treacle, if that makes sense. A wall made of concrete or bricks would stop the momentum & push you back out. The Treacle wall is the one that doesn't stop the momentum. It just sucks you in & hangs on to you for grim death. Pardon the bad pun but I can't describe it any other way. I think I'm getting somewhere emotionally but it keeps right on sucking me back in. I know it's ONLY 7 weeks, but it feels like before he got diagnosed. We knew he was I'll, but hadn't even considered it was something life threatening.

I met with Alan's landlady on Friday. To say she was shocked at the state of the place would be a HUGE understatement!! And I haven't heard back from his brother re the clearance company. I get fed up of chasing people!! Why is it me who had to do all the chasing??!! Plus, on Friday first I had to see the doctor. I've got a sinus infection! More antibiotics! Then, when I went to start Alan's car as I need to collect MY ladder from his place the blasted thing wouldn't start!! I wouldn't mind d so much if it hadn't had a new battery in October!! I guess it's get the jump leads out time. I'll be glad when I get it sold. 

I guess I'm just feeling a tad overwhelmed. I miss Alan dreadfully, but when I go to his I get angry at him. I didn't know it was possible to be angry & sad at the same person at the same time. 

Maisiemae, I know what you mean about relief. It's the not having to listen for every little sound. It's the surprise when you hear yourself laughing. It sounds like some body else.

When my ex father in law passed 7 years after having a stroke my Mum in law said to me that she couldn't say anything to the adult kids but she was relieved he was gone. She was exhausted from looking after a very cranky awkward man who wouldn't have physio & used to pinch the car keys, she had to keep them in her pocket at all times as he'd go out in the car, have a funny turn & then she'd get a call from the RCMP (this was in Canada) to come & collect him & the car!! She was the youngest, but looked 10 years older than either of her sisters.

I digress. I guess I'm saying that it's only human to have these feelings of relief, guilt, anger. That's what makes us caring human beings.

I was going to write to wimpy son to let him know how pissed off I am with him. But you know what? He's not worth the paper or stamp!! 

I hope some of my ramblings make sense to someone, they don't to me, but I need to get them out.

Elenium, I used to live partway between Witham & Braintree, off the good old A12.

Hugs to all

Sue 

Xx

Feeling sad about all the things Mum can no longer do today.

Also I don't know why it feels awful when other people say she's coming to the end of her life....I know it and say it myself...when others say it I want to stop them....hit them...

Am spherical eaten loads of pasta....

Aunt texted me to say my mum hasn't replied to her text....I suggested SHE PHONE HER.

...

Sue why are they not doing more to help. No wonder you feel treacley. ..must be drained with it all.

Yantibee how are things?

Elenium  how's Mum?

Maisiemae just a hug...

Jx

Not been getting notifications am reading all your posts  now though. 

Love to all...including those not posting at the moment. 

Jx