Having a bad day

Hello im laying in a chair next to mum in acute oncology. She has taken on the appearance of someone else but i am still moistening her lips and telling her i love her. Since back from my 3 days away she hasnt been nice or reactive to me at all. She is now unresponsive and visible changes happening. My mum is gone really, ive told her i love her a million times and stroked and soothed her. Despite how hard i tried to ensure she passed at home the dvt and pain from that forced me to chicken and say i coukdnt cope with her needs with the resources available quickly enough. Will she hAte me forever. Ive not abandoned her, i would like to run away. Ive run out of tear juice, thrown up and my eyes are bulging. Im tired beyond tired. Please mummy float away as i cant stand to see the disappointment and defeat in her once warm eyes. Yantibee. How you have coped for 6 days, through love i guess. Im so very scared of all these big decisions xxx

In conclusion i think im a coward

Elenium glad your Mum is a bit better. Must have been dehydration? 

My aunt texted my mum yesterday to say she would phone then didn't.   Low.

Jx

Maisiemae I would do EXACTLY as you have.  So we are both cowards.

Is it cowardly to ask for help with your Mum's pain now.  To ask for help for you too? I hope it's not.

Please be kinder to yourself.  You're there and have been for so long.

All my love.

Jennyx

Mum still here, she is angry i know it. She wants to go home, we cant do that if at all until tomorrow, there is a thing called fast track but cant do that at weekends. Think i will have a battle on my hands to get her there with family ie sister against it. Its what she wanted. She is comfkrtable at the moment but definately angry. Im hard on myself. Im expected to fulfill her wishes we talked so long about... Although power of attorney says 'if practical'. Brother not coping at all. Knew he would be the worse although im in pieces  my gut tells me weve got it wrong. She has  to go closer to home. Nearer her husband so he can visit. Ramblings of a distraught daughter x

Maisiemae,

PLEASE don't be angry with yourself. You're doing the best you can in the circumstances. It's not like this is something you've dealt with before.

Don't forget I actually had to blackmail Alan going to A&E!!!

Your Mum is scared, that will make her lash out at the people she's closest to. That means YOU Dear Lady!! Alan was very angry with me but I saw it for what it was. Fear!!

Cry, swear, rant, whatever you need. 

Sending you HUGE Hugs.

Love 

Sue

xx

Sue is right.  

Fear and frustration... do not think it's your fault we all blame ourselves I do it. Mum does it...there is one finger of blame to point....and that's at CANCER you vile vile disease we blame you.....

Masiemae if it's possible they'll get her home.

If it isn't then she's in the best place.

Your mum may not at this stage realise what's best.

Wish I could say something useful.

Much love jx

The other thing I forgot to mention was that the infection they thought Alan had, which they thought was altering his thought processes was in fact  a result of the cancer spreading to his brain. As it took over he seemed to become more & more child like. 

Xxx

This process of someone slowly dying is like hell in slow motion to watch. Although im able to tell when mum needs more pain killer. If this is distressing for me, what the hell is it like for her, a strong, independent and wise woman stuck inside a shell. Im suddenly aware why the different groups on here exist. Sorry everyone. Right to Die has to be legalised in this country without stigma if chosen x

I totally agree about the Right to Die. Alan & I had revisited that topic in the last couple of weeks before he died.

We arranged a signal he could give if he wanted me to "help" him go. He gave me that signal on the Saturday afternoon. I was going to "help" Sunday afternoon. He died at 2am that Sunday morning. I'm convinced he did that purposely so I didn't have to fulfill my promise to him.

If I had to relive it I'd still "help". 

No matter the consequences to me.

Xx