Having a bad day

My beautiful lady is now beginning her 6th day with no liquids going in! She closes her mouth tightly if I try to wet her gums it's so traumatic I don't understand how she is surviving. The nurses say it's not unusual for this to happen but how can a person go on with no water going in? 

I have begun to think she is waiting for a reason, for me to do something so everything is complete for her but I have no idea what it could be. Maybe she is waiting for her wretched mother to come see her (which won't happen) just to set things straight and punish her for what she has done to her daughter? I don't know, I am so exhausted I am running in caffeine and adrenaline staying awake for 22 hours then go lay down on our bed but then my mind clicks into overdrive and I wake up . Can't eat, can't sleep, my level of tolerance to family members is next to zero . Numerous extended family wanted to come see her today but I told them all no, is that wrong? Are they coming for her, me, the kids, or are they coming to try to ease their own guilt for not been there for her when this all started 5 years ago? Only coming now because it's reached this tragic stage, so they can say to themselves they were ther for her at the end? Or am I been cynical? 

My boys girlfriends are finding it so hard been here, trying to be normal in a home that's so far from normal it will never find its way back. My heart aches for them as I see the sadness in their eyes for my wife and their boys and for themselves for been thrust into a situation they could never have imagined in their worst dreams.

The dog keeps laying under the hospital bed directly beneath my lady, she has not done that before it's almost like she can sense something. It's so quiet now, all the fireworks and revellers have gone and as I look out down over the garden to the road all I can see is dark with the twinkling of Christmas lights and the only sound is the rain, I feel so empty and alone, I know I am not physically alone but inside I feel numb just waiting for the axe to fall , scared and cold

What a way to start a new year for us all, those who have lost their loved ones and those who are caring for their loved ones touched,gripped by this evil disease . My broken heart goes out to you all and selfishly to myself. I pray tomorrow brings a release from the grip of cancer and an end to the suffering of my darling wife whilst been terrified of the road ahead without her, it's so cruel 

Dear yantibee the rest of the world feels irrelevant right now - one day we will all again be part of it in whatever shape we turn out. We will need to mend however impossible that feels now. My mum has asked me not to cry after a week. I said i couldnt promise x

Yantibee, you are doing amazing.  I am sending you a virtual hug. I know you feel alone but you aren't. We are all there holding your hand. You are a very caring and courageous husband and your wife will be very proud of you. 

Thinking of you

Sarah x

Oh Maisiemae I don't know what I'm doing at all!!

Feel like lunatic most of the time.

Elenium dehydration Def can cause confusion. Good they're keeping an eye in the home.

Jx

Yantibee - the last thing she needs is relatives coming and looking at her now. Definitely the right thing to say no.their visits were needed when she could enjoy them earlier.  They can just stay away.

How good of your boys girlfriends to just be around now they must be good people. 

You must be beyond tired. I read somewhere that people wait to go til their loved ones are not in the room. Not sure if that's true? 

The festivities as Maisiemae says are meaningless. 

Can't imagine being back in the real world but I guess that time of normality may return.

Thinking of you now and your lovely lady.

Squeezing your hand.

Jx

Maisiemae did the blood tests show anything?  Jx

Dear yantibee

I wish you calm. I don't think you both have much longer to suffer .

The body takes a long, long time to shut down, but I believe that the mind and the soul are at peace long before the final breath. If she is fighting for anything, it is only to stay with you for a few more precious moments. You have loved each other so much, that love is the strongest thing in your world..

As for your would be visitors, just tell them 'too late'. Too late for them to do her any good, too late for them to receive any good. That can be for them to reconcile with their consciences.

But it has not been too late for you. You have made the most of every moment and you have done whatever you could for her, no man could have done more. So try to be at peace.

Xxx

So after mum admitted i managed to get a cab to go get her husband in case she passed in the night, we came back and were with her until 6am back at 11am. Its dvt, she is close to passing. Since it was i who called ambulance And she did said yes to go she isnt talking to me and wont even look at me. It hurts. I have to park my emotions but its hard. Sister came this morning. What a 24 hours! I did get her husband to her via taxis new years eve in norwich. Ive moved the World for her. She plain wont acknowledge me. Brother on phone blowing kisses to him in a weak fashion. Ive done everythjng why me at this stage, she is comfortable ish but her mind is still there but her body is broken. The tumors are stopping kidneys working. The end is close but no idea how long. She asked me is this the end and  i said it might be but not sure, and i asked if thats what she wanted. She turned away x

It's unfair Maisiemae. ..but when we're upset it's often those we are closest too that we take our upset out on. You know she loves you and you love her she knows that....

Tell her again anyway.

Not fair. 

Hug.

Jx

Maisiemae, I agree with Jenny.  Tell her again.  She knows you love her and she loves you.  I've been thinking of you all day Maisemae and Yantibee.

Mum is OK now.  When we got there this morning she was sitting up in bed.  She'd had breakfast and didn't remember anything about yesterday.  We didn't make a big deal of it but don't really understand what happened.

Hope everyone is ok.

X