Having a bad day

I just heard her talking to the carer and she sounded lucid. I dont understand everything. Given runaround on meds. How can i go home and leave her like this? 

I don't either.  They are literally at deaths door then chatting and perky.  I suspect the end will still be a shock because of this?

When I called the ambulance last week and mum  was asked about DNAR and her BP was so low she had some sepsis and I had to leave her there...confused uncomfortable and small..I thought that was it! 

Yesterday she ate a meal.

Today who knows.

Also Dad who gets less of a mention here could be picked off by a virus at any time or his cancer could grow. .

Just did commode. .6.30 so a lay in!

Maisemae its impossibly hard. We don't know how long they have.

Hug.

Jx

Oh maisiemae, I wish I could come and put my arms around you. It's so bloody scary, seing them like this.  You can wail and scream as much as you like, you need it.  You have remember that you've done everything for your mum.  She knows that and loves you. I don't know what else to say.  I just wish that I could actually be there for you rather than just virtually.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs. X

Elenium i wish you could too. Unless youve been through this one wouldnt understand, i dont want a pity hug, i want and need a hug of real understanding, empathy and respect. Not to diminish the experiences of a war veteran at all, for me this is my own battle, but I know i cant be the victor. Everyone and especially Elenium, Jenny, Sue & Yantibee - love and respect in your own battles x

Hi all. Maisiemae Elenium sue yantibee and EVERYONE. ..

how are things this pm?

Today at 11 carer called nurse re mums legs. Nurse said call 111 doc came at 7pm. Said can't give anything as only got one kidney. He was good checked all else for her.  Said call gp Wednesday  (pointless). Her legs are v uncomfortable and heavy with fluid. Hospital appointment Wednesday anyway.

So stressed day again. Sister now downed wine. Dad anxious.  I've done countless commodes. 

Let Christmas go away now please need fully staffed bloody docs hospital etc...

Hugs.

Jx

Thought the same as you maisiemae a battle where defeat is the conclusion. ..

Fuck it all.

Ps cat back on scene...hates his owners teenage sons...

Hello,

You all sound so sad tonight, I see the conditions of your Mums are now deteriorating rapidly, as is the prognosis of these types of cancer. I just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you all, and my heart goes out to you all. I know how hard it is, I have been through it. Although you may not beleive it the journey is usuallly much worse than the end (it was in my case). My Mum died a very peaceful death at home, with my brother and me there. Honestly, I had been through much with her, and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it might be. I only hope you can take some comfort from this. Sending you positive and healing thoughts.

Take care, Anneteresa

Mum didn't remember that I visited today. Asked my sister when I was coming. Cried my eyes out.

Elenium am sure she knows you love her. She may be confused but she knows that to be true...

My Dad can't sleep. 

Ps told my aunt to ring mum today as she'd been crying.

Wishing peace for all.

Jx

It's just all so fucking shit! I want my mum back.  I hate it! I hate seeing her like this.  My only consolation is that the pain seems to be under control at the moment.   I suppose that in some ways it's better that she's confused because then she's not really aware of what's going on.  I think she forgets about the cancer sometimes and thinks she's in the home just because she's broken her wrist.  She keeps talking about the summer and her garden.

I don't want these to be my last memories of my lovely mum. I don't want her to die but I don't want her to be like this either.  Not really sure what I believe or don't believe anymore but actually I just want my dad to come and get her. I want to scream and shout.  I don't want to hurt anymore.  I want to pull the covers over my head and will everything away. I don't want to be sad.  I want to go out for lunch with mum and have a nice time. And do some shopping and have a laugh.  I'm never going to be able to do these things with her again. I want my mum.