Having a bad day

Went to mum's on way home from hospital.  As I walked in it hit me that she's never going to see her lovely bungalow again.  I lost it completely.

Hi My Friends,

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. I've been in a bit of a strange place in my head & have been trying to make sense of it.

I was out all day Monday with my friend. Yesterday I had to get shopping & then another friend popped in. Today I've been going through old paperwork of Alan's in an attempt to do some more admin. It's a bit difficult when you keep finding bank statements from 2011 but can't find the log book for the current car!! 

But that's not the strange place. I realised yesterday that I was enjoying myself. And I felt SO guilty!!! I think it's a combination of feeling guilty for not thinking about Alan 24 hours a day, and the fact that you, my friends/sisters are struggling so much. I wish I had the emotional energy to come and see each of you, and give you some much needed R&R. 

While Alan was alive I just kept going. Now he's gone, the funerals over & the will paperwork is being dealt with I find myself feeling odd. It's almost like a malaise. I even struggle to get the vacuuming done, with 2 kitties I should at least sweep every other day, or to even do the dishes! 

Jenny, Alan was having hallucinations & delusions a lot. The nurses said it was the pain meds. At one point he accused the nurses, doctors & me of plotting to poison him with arsenic in his drinks. Even though I know it wasn't him talking it was still really upsetting to hear it.

I hope you all know that I'm thinking about you & hoping beyond hope that you can keep going. 

Your Mum's, Dad's, & spouses are SO lucky to have such loving caring members of their family around them.

I'm probably only going up to Alan's flat a couple more times. I don't think I'm going to be able to do much more now.

Big Hugs & Love

Sue xxx

Ah, that is good news about your Mum; both being back to old self and finding a Nursing home. Such a relief for you too, it will allow you to concentrate just on her, when you are with her.

Take care, Anneteresa

Dearest E - i get it. I get it. Everything she built. Can you help mum skype? Weve done that with mum to downstairs. Xxx

Sue,

Please don't feel guilty.  You deserve to enjoy yourself after everything you've been through. And please don't worry about us.  We know that you're there for us.

Hugs X

Sue, you need respite still, breathe and live. You did your very best to enable Alan to have the best life he could. Now your effort can be just for you. It was a traumatic, i cant believe its possible to go through this without trauma. Be kind to yourself without guilt. Lots of good wished x

Thanks Anneteresa.  It is a relief.  I just hope she likes it.

Maisiemae,

mum hasn't said anything about not seeing her bungalow again so I won't say anything, but if she wants I can skype.  That's a good idea.  Thanks.

I have decided to go to work today.  Not sure if it's a good idea or not.  Feeling very weepy.  My initial relief about mum's decision to possibly stay in the nursing home has turned to enormous guilt and sorrow.  In my head I know it's the right decision but my heart wants her to go home, because I know that's really where she wants to be. 

Elenium it's so hard.  They have had to let go so many things they'll never do again along the way. I would feel the same. Maybe seeing her in the home will help a bit.

Hate this heartbreaking fucking disease.

The home may be safe and comforting for her.

Hug.

Jennyx