Having a bad day

Mum was snappy with me yesterday maisiemae am not surprised. 

More people here today.

6ft bloke carer v nice. Guess initially embarrassing but lovely man. 

Mum said he smelled of garlic.

An odd thing happened mum been v trembley weak had helpers for stairs all this week...the physio came  and she was up and downstairs on her own slowly but much faster than of late! Dad said we should put a photo of the physio on the stairs! He's going to send some gentle exercises hope carers can do them with her. He didn't seem v good think she did so well to get rid of him.

What a change. She hardly ate though. Really odd! Maybe she can get in my car again?

Mum said physio smelled of garlic.

Told mum tomorrow I will smell of garlic! 

That'll be some meet up if it happens one day.

Hope tomorrow has less people coming here.

Jx

I just went up to clean commode and found Mum had pressed wrong button in bed repeatedly and was nearly vertical. .couldn't reach heated blanket to turn it off and needed wee.... was hot and cross been there 30 mins. ..

Sorted that got giggles

Dad called up "jen did something wrong the drier is set for 19 hours"

Hysterical 

Mum said to me and my sister yesterday that she thinks our other sister will stop coming as much now we've got carers. I think she's right, unfortunately. She supposed to come Monday night and I think she just won't turn up. She should come and tell mum if she's not coming. It's not right! Not thinking about it anymore today.

My mum is normally really sweet tempered. I've only heard her shout twice in my life and she's really snappy lately too. It is quite upsetting but we all just have to take a breath and let it go. 

Went out with my friend last night and had a really lovely evening. My sister is down so I don't have to worry so much. I've even been shopping today!

Just having a cuppa now. Will pop to see mum and sister later.

Hope everyone is ok. Sending hugs to all. :-)

Thanks i will take the hug today. Today is dismal. We stayed close to mum at a cottage last night yesterday was good all things considered. Got phone call whilst getting bits for her say come back urgent, she flopped into my arms crying saying she is scared and wanted me there. Dr been out actually v quickly. Im now sitting here while she sleeps and im holding her hand. I get the fear, fear of leaving this world and leaving everyone she loves. Im sewing name tags on her husbands clothes ready for the home - i cant stand him but im doing it for her. No doubt my brother is in a pub somewhere, my sister running or doing good for others or something saintly! Actually im so pleased i am here as i know mummy has my love with her. Im scared at doing the right thing, saying the right thing, being enough - i dont think i am enough. Oh god  i am so scared. The carer told me to be strong, fuck off world telling me to be strong, strong to me is not running away, strong to me is crying, strong to me is saying im scared. So fuck fuck being told to be anything other than what i am right now which is a scared daughter watching her mother be devoured by fucking cancer. I can barely muster an apology for my swearing but im half heartedly sorry x

Oh Maisiemae it IS frightening and there is no magical "strong" to access.  I think the fact she called you and you are there is enough and she is sleeping.  I know what you mean about the right words I've wondered about this too but really what would they be? You are there and that is comfort. That is enough.

What triggered this for her anything in particular  (not that there isn't enough already).

Hug.

Jx

Oh Maisiemae it IS frightening and there is no magical "strong" to access.  I think the fact she called you and you are there is enough and she is sleeping.  I know what you mean about the right words I've wondered about this too but really what would they be? You are there and that is comfort. That is enough.

What triggered this for her anything in particular  (not that there isn't enough already).

Keep swearing I don't give a shit. ..

Hug.

Jx

Sorry for double posting....phone being bonkers

Maisiemae, no need to aplogise at all for swearing. We all get it.  No one needs to tell you to be strong.  You are strong. Everything you do shows that. Being scared is part of it too.  Honey, I wish I could help you in some way. 

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Double posting puts the point across and im feeling bonkers and trapped. Thankyoufor yr words and support x

It helps just being heard. I know you get it, to be got is important. Still sitting with mum. She ate a tiny bit and is sleeping. I keep wondering if this is the end. What does the end look like - how do we know. How to take mums fear away. Hope you are all having a better day. Some people are wonderful, the owner of the cottage has said just have it free of charge for the rest of the week - weve stayed there since mums diagnosis on and off. She is a kooky woman, she keeps a bantum chicken in her house called Cleopatra and as Cleo is poorly all the lights are off so chicken can sleep. I love people. X