Sworn to secrecy over mother's cancer - any advice on coping?

Hi CarlaBee

Welcome to the Online Community.

I am sorry to hear that your mother has been diagnosed with cancer. I remember what a challenging time it was for us when our Mum had a diagnosis many years ago now. 

I can understand that it feels like a big pressure to cope with this whilst keeping the diagnosis a secret from family and friends. 

Having had cancer myself (2022) I do remember initially wanting to keep it to myself and to begin with this was whilst I was trying to process the diagnosis and also whilst I was waiting to find out what my treatment and prognosis were likely to be. By telling others I knew it would mean upsetting them and also I felt I could not cope with all the questions until I knew for myself what was happening. 

Am not sure when your mother had her diagnosis or what type of cancer she has as that may have a bearing on things. It may be that when she has had time to process it all that she would feel able to share with some more of her family and friends. Also depending on treatments it may be more difficult to keep things private- for example once I had started chemo it was obvious to those around me that I was unwell. For me telling others was partly due to needing time to accept things and partly to have some control at a time where things felt very out of control. 

It is good that you recognise that your Mother's decision is one to be respected and it maybe with some time that her feelings may change. What is important though at the moment is that you all have support for yourselves. It is tough to support someone else when you are struggling yourself. It is good that you do have 3 other people who know and hopefully just being able to share with each other will help. 

Hopefully your Mother will have a supportive hospital team around her and I found my CNS (cancer nurse specialist) really supportive. Depending on where you live there may be other support local to you. Some people find Maggies centres really good. 

We do have the Macmillan Support Line available from 8am-8pm everyday if you feel like chatting things through would help. They can also have a look to see if there is a Maggies Centre near you and whether there are any other local support agencies. 

I hope that this helps a bit. I can understand it is a worrying time and we are here when you need us. 

Jane

Hi CarlaBee

 sorry to hear about your mum. It’s a horrible thing to be told you have cancer. I was diagnosed in February this year. I told my two sisters but my husband didn’t want to tell his. And didn’t for a few weeks but it became impossible not to tell them. So he did and they were amazing especially so in supporting my husband and checking in on me. I think he was glad he did in the end. Maybe when she knows her treatment plan and prognosis you can let close family know. It will help. They may be upset and worried about her but you’ll have some support. If not try to get some support for yourself. Do you have a close friend you can trust who will listen?  I should say MacMillan are brilliant for support. I also use a cancer wellness centre at the hospital. I wish you and your family the very best x 

Lesley 

Thank you for your kind words and support. I can totally see why you chose to keep things to yourself. My mother has known for a year and the treatment is limited due to her general health aside from cancer. I am sure that in time she will be more open to share with others. Right now it feels surreal as she has been given a life expectancy of four years but beyond that I am not sure how that will look as the months go by. I am trying not to think about it too much as it is heartbreaking. I also think she is witholding in order to not upset us. 
Once again thank you for your reply.

CarlaBee

Hi Mumble

thankyou for taking the time to reply. It is good to hear that your family were supportive once they knew of your diagnosis. I am worried that things will decline and then the truth will have to come out which might cause more upset. However, I also know this is about my mum first and foremost. 
Thanks again, keep well

CarlaBee

Hi CarlaBee

For me I needed time to get my head around the diagnosis and understand what it would mean to me in terms of treatment etc. I also did not want to upset anyone. I was worried to begin with that if I told people before I was ready, there would be lots of questions and I would not have been able to deal with them. Once I had my treatment plan and things felt a bit more under control then I did start to feel I could be more open with those around me. It may be that Mum just needs a bit of time. 

We will be here for you when you need us. 

Jane