I'm so sorry to add this here, but my husband is driving me insane. I can't work at the moment and every time I try and do anything to leave the house, I feel guilty. I feel awful moaning, but I look at him and want to tell him to get a grip, so many people are worse off than you, He has non invasive bladder cancer and boked for a TURP in 10 days and then a course of immunotherapy. It's not life threatening, I understand he's in pain and the whole thing is scary, but we have been at various hospitals and emergency depts every day this week, he worries that he's not weeing, worries that he's constipated, worry that he's not weeing enough, worry about the pain, doesn't drink enough, its in his head the whole time and he's not functioning, I'm picking up everything. When we see the doctors now they look at him as if to say, you've got all the meds you can have currently, you're bloods etc are fine, no retention, what do you want us to do? He's having CBT with Talking Therapies but not really taking on board what they tell him. I really do think it's mostly in his head and he wants an instant fix, rather then trying to help himself. I feel really rubbish but hoping this is a safe space to rant.
Hello Jane (JaneL26)
I am Brian one of the Community Champions here at Macmillan and you can normally find me on the Prostate Cancer group although I do go "walkabout" from time to time.
I have read your post a few time and can understand your feelings - yes you are right to feel like you do and yes this is the best place to vent.
I do come across this situation more often than you would think - and I put it down to us men thinking we are perfect, nothing ever gores wrong with us and people want to mess us about. Yes it's hard having cancer but I hope once he's had the TURP operation, it reduces his pain and puts him in a better place (If you click on my name or avatar you can read my story - I had a TURP in November 2022). If you have any questions about this feel free to ask me.
All I can suggest is that you hold onto the thought the TUPR and the following immunotherapy will sort him out and his feelings and attitude will improve.
Do remember our Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week) is there for you and you can chat to a human about your feelings.
I hope my ramblings help - please do get back to me if you need any support or information.
Best wishes - Brian.
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
Strength, Courage, Faith, Hope, Defiance, VICTORY.
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
Hi JaneL26
It must be so hard being the carer (I was the patient with cancer) and you don’t need to apologise for saying how difficult this is for you. It’s definitely a safe space for you to say what you feel with absolutely no judgement.
I did wonder from your post if you might mean that your husband was due to have a TURBT, rather than a TURP, since you said he has non muscle invasive bladder cancer? The TURP you mention is a different type of procedure for the prostate rather than the bladder.
I see you are already a member of the bladder forum, so that might also be a good place to post and find out more. I’m a member of that group because I had my bladder removed due to a different type of cancer, but I’m aware that the TURBT is a very common and straightforward procedure which many group members have experience of. There are members too in there who are caring for a loved one with bladder cancer, so you may find that helpful too.
I feel you’re just being honest, not moaning, as cancer patients can be difficult to care for! There’s no handbook for this, and we don’t know how someone will behave after a diagnosis. Personally, my attitude was to get on with it. I didn’t cry or curl up in a ball, but we’re all different. My partner is extremely calm and pragmatic, which it seems you are too, and being honest I found that perfect for me. We were both focused on getting through everything in the best way possible.
I hope that CBT can be helpful for your husband, but it’s not successful for everyone, as you really have to want to help yourself both mentally and physically. Are you able to speak to your husband honestly and tell him how you feel? Not as easy as it might seem, I know. But you, as a carer, need to be able to say how this has affected you too. Everything would seem to me to be going positively, yet he is looking for issues. The TURBT is a minimal surgical procedure, there is a plan in place for further treatment. I hope in time he might be able to focus on that. I lost my bladder, and didn’t even have bladder cancer, so things could be much worse!
Sarah xx
Thank you for your support, it is good to know that my feelings aren't completely unreasonable, I will chat to him too but I know he will likely push back.
He had a TURBT when he the biopsy and they removed the cancer and did a chemo wash. However it was in the prostatic urethra and the prostate was enlarged so they have suggested the TURP followed by BCG infusions to make sure it stays away. He had a bad experience with the catheter last time and retention to I think all that is on his mind too.
I'm glad to say we had a cancellation and he's had the TURP done today. Surgeon is pleased and hopeful the BCG infusions will work too. He was quite positive and matter of fact so I'm hoping my husband realises it's not the end of the world now 
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Hi JaneL26
Thanks for the extra information you’ve provided, and I apologise for thinking you might have meant a TURBT. I can see now why he needed the TURP followed by the BCG.
Now the TURP is done, I hope your husband can find some positivity going forward. There are lots of very positive posts and discussions about BCG on the bladder forum-I wonder if you might find it helpful to tell your husband the positive stories, and see if he might find this encouraging in itself?
I hope he takes heart too from the fact that the surgeon believes things have gone well today. A difficult experience before with the catheter and retention will absolutely be playing on his mind, but I hope things are on the up for you both.
Sarah xx
Worse tbh, he's on anxiety meds now, he's really struggling, not sleeping and every twinge or side effect while the meds settle down, he thinks is another problem, last night he wanted me to call 999 as he thought he was having a heart attack 
It's not fun at the moment, I'm running out of steam that's for sure.
He asked me to take him to A&E today, I felt a bit mean as I said I couldn't sit for 4 hours there with him again, I left him to it, deep down I was pretty sure it's all in his head. He's home now and apart from his blood pressure dropping when he stands up, which I think is due to Sertraline settling down, nothing else abnormal.
He had TURP 2 weeks ago and everything went well, catheter removal was Ok, no idea why he can't move on and see it as a positive.
BCG starts 15th Sep so he needs to be in a better state by then or they won't do it.
He's lost 8 kg and shuffles around like an old man at the moment.
He doesn't want me to leave him, I feel completely trapped and don't know whether to call for medical support or mental health at theoment.
