Hi all thank you in advance for any help or advice you might have it is all welcomed.
this is my first time on the Macmillan website as we are only a matter of months after diagnosis of secondary breast cancer and have not even begun treatment yet for my partner who for context is 46 where as I am 30 so we are aware that we have an age gap. Along with the diagnosis my partner has been told to expect a long and full life, and mild side effects due to the specific treatment route she will be going down (this is important later).
there has been a long standing “discussion” about going away to Disney (Paris) which I began with the stance of “no” because it’s just not something I’m interested in and it’s a lot of money when your not going to get much out of it, then over months of badgering I agreed that if we keep the budget tight then ok and so we have a trip booked, this is all before the diagnosis.
Since the diagnosis I have received a text while at work “I’m booking a holiday to Disney (Florida), I take it I’m going on my own” so she was fully aware that it was not something that I’d be wanting to do, however I have explained that when I/we are in a better position financially and have a better plan where we can both get much more out of going to America then I’d be happy to go.her main points to try to change my mind have been saying things along the lines of “I’m going to be going through hell with side effects soon” and “I might not be here in 5 years”.
I don’t think that she is intentionally trying to be emotionally manipulative, but that is how it is sounding to me. I’ve spoken to a couple of family and friends and they agree with me that she is being unfair, so I tried to carefully bring this up to my partner and all I got is more of the same.
sorry it’s a long read but I tend to babble a little bit. Any thoughts or suggestions for how to move forward would be massively appreciated, I’d also be interested to hear some other opinions around what she is saying and is/isn’t it fair comments.
Hi Mathew1996
I am sorry your partner’s diagnosis is adding pressure to your existing disagreement about holidays.
You say she has secondary breast cancer. That means her cancer has spread and is no longer curable.
It is true that modern treatments may well extend her life, but it sounds very optimistic to talk about a long and full life with mild treatment side effects. To be blunt, she will likely be on treatment for the rest of her life. She will stay on a treatment until either her cancer progresses or she can’t tolerate the treatment. She will likely move through a series of treatments. All treatments have side effects and people experience them differently. Many of these side effects are not mild, they are crippling. The cancer itself could bring future problems - for example if it’s in her bones that means lots of pain and the risk of fractures.
So do I think she is being unreasonable to say she might be going through hell soon and she might not be here in 5 years? No I don’t. I think she is being realistic about this.
What should you do? I would say let her have the holiday she wants while she is able to enjoy it. If you don’t want to go, let her go with someone who will enjoy the time.
I have secondary breast cancer.
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
I have metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer, in remission
I realise that. I just want you to understand how she might be feeling. I think doctors tend to downplay side effects / they are not the ones living with them.
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
I have metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer, in remission
