Having a bad day

Hi Elenium 

Totally get what your feeling.... it's awful I still can't believe Jill has gone and it seems for the moment at least to be worse for some reason, natural? Probably, easy to cope with? Definitely not x

Thank you Maisiemae and Yantibee.  I was talking to someone about it today and he lost his mum 2 years ago.  He said that he still gets times when the grief washes over him. Grief is the price you pay when you love someone.  I think the Queen said that about Diana.  She was right.

I stood outside the Houses of Parliament today watching the funeral cortage of PC Keith Palmer.  When I saw those children drive past I got so upset.  I kept thinking that as bad it was for me as a grown up to lose my mum how much worse it is for them.  My heart goes out to his wife and family.  Such a sad day.

Feeling bad at moment.  Trying to be there for Dad. He was crying yesterday as has some regrets about something that happened a long time ago. Reminded him none of us was perfect neither was Mum and we loved her with and because of those imperfections and great qualities too. Told him if she were still here and he had died she would have regrets too.

I booked my flight to Spain in June. Thought of Mum she'd be excited to come too.  It cut me then.  Maybe this triggered feeling worse or maybe it's just just time. It's all empty in the house. Goodness knows how it is for Dad.

I've read your posts. Much love to you all..

I have a feeling grief is forever.

Jx

Hi Jenny, I fear you are right! Grief is forever. It seems like a constant daily battle to keep the grief at bay especially when out in the workplace or socially. I am exhausted with the fight at trying to beat it back, like a boxer fighting off an opponent round after round in a bout that has no limit on the rounds in the fight. I think all of us cope some days and are probably doing quite well but it is just relentless and my broken heart goes out to you and all of us experiencing this terrible loss x 

Well, I made it through the weekend, and I'm feeling more positive today. I looked into going on a coach trip for a few days, but it feels too much. So I've booked a day trip to the Peak District instead. I feel like I only want to take baby steps to ease myself back into my life. So I may do more Day trips then look at going to Mallorca for my birthday in September. 

I agree with you all, the grief comes out of nowhere & floods over us like a tidal wave. And like you I have regrets. Maybe I should have been kinder to Alan in his last few months. I still feel rotten about blackmailing him to go to hospital. But at the same time I am aware of just how scared he was. I say Good Morning & Goodnight to his photo every day & always tell him I love him before I go to sleep at night. I miss his "Hello Darling" whenever I phoned him. 

Sue xx

It's good to plan.  All our loved ones would want us to move forward, that's what I keep telling myself and I think it is true.  I think you're right that grief is forever and I can see it still sweeping over me in years to come.  My husband asked me yesterday if I was fed up with being miserable and I told him I was.  I am fed up with it but know it can't be helped.  I know it will get easier and sometimes I feel guilty wishing it was easier now but I know that mum would hate for me to miserable.  I'm trying to focus on the good, my memories of her and the fact that she would hate to see me like this.  I think that's all we can do.  I've been trying to go out more and my sister (GS) and I have made lots of plans together.  I don't think that any of us should have regrets.  We all did everything we could for them and they wouldn't want us to feel that we didn't or that we should have done some things differently.  We need to keep moving forward and not looking back.  It's ok to be sad and miss them but we have got to get on with our lives because if we don't I feel like it would almost be a betrayal of them.  I'm not really happy with that word but I can't think of any other way to explain it at the moment.  We cannot change the past and why would we - apart from the obvious - when we did absolutely everything we could.

Sorry if that sounds a bit preachey but it's how I feel today.  Tomorrow, who knows??  All I know is that I couldn't have done it without you, my support group.  I know I've said it before and I expect I'll say it again, probably several times, in the future but it's true. 

Love and hugs to all.

X

Dearest friends - we are still bound but now by the fight to stay afloat ourselves, win the boxing match, baby steps to days out, thoughts of kindness to self, for me, the guilt of not grieving every minute but then just sitting there with tears rolling down my face. Small things set me off, today the yellow in my bedroom in contrast to the pink blossom outside the window. mum loved Spring. Puppy Mabel sitting on command, 10 weeks old. She hasnt wet indoors. her puppy breath is sweet, mum will never meet her. (Mum is nana to my dogs)  I cup Mabels face as mum held mine. I read your posts daily. I couldnt stand losing this page. Im not ready. Ive lost too much. She really was more my everything than even i realised. Today has been a bad day. Not all days are bad. Im in spare room as decorating main one. Mums ashes are with me x

Sending you a hug Maisiemae. X

Elenium you said everything there that I feel but couldn't comprehend enough to express.   I don't even particularly WANT to go to Spain but seeing my friend should be a good thing and Mum would have loved to be going herself or love even to know that I was going.

Reading your posts and others help me to cry...when weeping seems 'stuck' for me I feel it but it doesn't come out. I suspect because of Dad care and sister care (she's ending relationship with idiot bloke..I hope).

Maisiemae you ARE a magic maker like your Mum.

Sue you are a powerhouse and your baby steps are impressive. The flashbacks to the 'what ifs' are very difficult.  He knew you loved him...we see that I'm sure he did too.

Yantibee a voice of courage, support, love and warmth.

Maisiemae you reminded me...Mums ashes. We should take them to the sea when weather is good enough but before Dad becomes more ill. 

Night all...especially those I didn't mention who are struggling too.

Why isn't Mum here? 

Hug.

Jx

Jenny

she is 

x