Having a bad day

And today i posted mums driving licence back. A driving licence my horrible father told her she wld never achieve. Of course post divorce and some encouragement she passed at 50 and proceeded to drive many miles towing a caravan. I was so immensely proud of her achievements, then with glaucoma her licence was threatened but after surgery she celebrated her retention of DL for 3 more years. So it was so precious, I kissed it as i placed into the DVLA envelope and told mum that she was amazing, clever, wise and a million times better than any man who ever dared to put her down. I miss her so much, I ache. Tears are flowing more easily but she told me no tears after a week darling, "you have to live your life". But then she died, how can I live a full life without her by my side? We always planned for her to live with us (not quite with with but in an eco lodge overlooking fields), she wont be able to meet new puppy Mabel, see the Spring flowers and sit and eat sandwiches with me in the pouring rain watching the sea. i wont see her collecting me from her station, always there 20 mins before train due to make sure she didnt miss me, the jangle of her keys, her embarrassing handbag with a Golly hanging off it, the smell of scented nappy bags as she always had them ready in her pocket for the dog poops, her immense kindess to anyone she met, we gave two tourists a lift in remote Norfolk as they got off wrong station and with beautiful chemo head, slippers and dressing gown she accompanied me so i cld drive them to where they needed to get to, the joy at finding new clothing in charity shops, wouldnt spend money on herself, buying cakes for her neighbours as she loved them, pack of 6 with one missing 'well i had to test them first'. Sweet mummy you didnt deserve what happened but she believed God wouldnt give her more she could handle. Frankly, if he does exist I would strangle him. a self indulgent post from a grieving daughter who is iff to Amsterdam tomorrow but my heart is so heavy today I may well be charged for overweight baggage! X

Elenium. I understand

Oh Maisiemae. .well said.

Loved the trying the one cake to make sure they're alright.

Elenium I keep expecting Mum to be here.  My sister and Dad both have had experiences of her being around.

After taking Mums clothes to the hospice shop  today (made less awful by very lovely man there) we started to sort out her craft boxes and amazing handmade soft toys her own designs plus the patterns. It was worse than sorting her clothes.  We both got very emotional and had to stop.  There were some notes on how to make the toys that were decorated with coloured pen drawings.  All that talent. Now gone. ...we had to stop. We'll do it bit by bit and maybe just sort the fabric out for use or donate to her sewing friends. 

I hate it all.

Going to my flat tomorrow for weekend. 

Have a lovely break in Amsterdam Maisiemae good to get away for a while. 

Jxxx

Anyone else holding onto items which you never liked but now youhave to have them as our loved one loved em?! We could do wall of love/shame! X

I was guilty if that many years ago. .Mum wanted to discard a soft toy small monkey she made as not up to her high standard....but I insisted he stay in my flat...he's still there! 

Jx

Well I will be having a hydrangea in my garden...

Hi all

Tiring day today as I went to CRUSE for an appointment to be assessed to see if I need any help coping with what has happened to me with the after effects of losing my precious Jill. 

After one hour of questions and honest open speaking the lovely lady agreed I do need help ....rather a lot of it ! 

I filled in the tick box sheet that adds up a score of "how bad" things are and sadly but not unexpectedly scored very highly and then she asked me to talk , just talk about whatever I wanted to talk about; I thought for a moment and then it just spewed out like an unblocked drain!! All the story from 2011 to now. All the how why what and who ,all of it . The cancer the family the doctors the trauma the end the loss and it was just coming out it wouldn't stop this river of sadness anger misery and heartbreak. The potted story of my beautiful wife's life and death. 

At the end as I finished the lady looked at me with tears in her eyes and said"I never cry in front of our clients but you got me so close to doing that , how awful it has been for Jill , the boys and you, I am so sorry and we can and we will help you" 

I feel glad now I went, I felt ready, in need of something anything to try slow down this feeling/s of loss guilt sadness etc and in need of help to start to help me stand up again on this new quite scary dark path I find myself on without my soul mate and strength. I felt better for telling someone who doesn't have a clue who I am and like you out there someone who doesn't judge or butt in someone who just listened. I was surprised at her tearful reaction and as I drove back towards home it hit me again , the loss and the sheer size of the events my brave Jill went through to try to beat this evil destructive disease . It made me love her a little bit more if that is possible .....and I just wanted to hold her to smell her to hear her voice feel her breath on my face , my strong lady gone and so badly missed 

I will receive a call from a personal counsellor in 4-6 weeks to arrange personal one on one sessions with a view to group therapy although I never mentioned the very special group therapy here on this hand held device . So I write this to share with you my experiences of the grief counselling road I am on, don't know if it will help but hopefully it will 

Read all the posts daily and send a big hug to you all those who do post and those who just read and yet still as we all do suffer the fallout of this horrible disease 

Hope the weekend is kind .

Maisiemae enjoy Amsterdam I have never been but am told it's a lovely weekend away, I have many tulips in the house at the moment (one of Jill's favourite flowers) all in awful ruby cut glass vases given to Jill by MIL !!! To me they belong in the bin I never liked them but now ???? Can't do anything else but fill them with flowers and they will stay with me forever . Funny ain't it ?! 

Yantibee. how validating her real response was. Being really listened to without another agenda is freeing. Your time about you and your feelings. So, on the wall of fugerly f*** ugly) but have to keep... chalk plate with raised village scene; ruby cut vases; imperfect teddy, hydrangeas. Amsterdam, its like the Cruse woman. Accepts you for who and where you are. As in Z Cars, night all. 

Yantibee I'm not surprised she cried am sure she felt the love you both had so therefore understood the pain of witnessing what you have and the vacuum at her having gone.  I cried reading your post.

Sounds a nice human counsellor.

Maisiemae you make laugh too...remarkable given how I feel.

Love.

Jx