Having a bad day

The despair I feel at points in my days is overwhelming although I feel in my broken heart I have accepted that Jill is gone. It doesn't mean I don't hope and pray I will see her walk back through the door but I have finally realised the enormity of what happened. 

This is a very scary place I have been thrown into, very dark and lonely . Being alone is not something I have experienced in my life wether personally or professionally I have been with people I consider close all my life ....lucky I guess but this is so hard ! To learn how to take new steps forward every day without the special person in my life is very challenging. 

I know I have done right by going for help and my actions will hopefully help encourage the boys to seek their own outside help, especially my eldest who I know truly needs some, we have spoken at length on the subject. 

A new season on our doorstep , the season of hope and new beginnings. If it doesn't sound odd I am in a way thankful Jill didn't die on the brink of winter when the darkness becomes physical to sit alongside this mental blackness. There is hope I know, a far off light to aim for and so much to look forward to in the remainder of my life, my children my potential grandchildren to name the top two . Small things bring me a smile, the buds coming on the trees in the garden, the sound of the birds at dawn and dusk , mother natures way of soothing us maybe? 

I know the road back to me will be long but there is some positivity,pre and post speaking to the counsellor 

I promised my brave Jill I would be my best and do all I was able to do personally and professionally as I would had she still been here and I will ;for my children for her and for myself . 

The seal has been broken and the grief has started to come out so I will continue on this road with the help , friends, family and support I have to guide me and I pray for the strength to carry my sons with their loss of their beloved mum

Been clear 4 plus yrs but still have bad depressive days

We buried mum's ashes with dad today.  We were all a bit tearful and my eldest sister read out a poem.  She wanted to say something at the funeral but didn't feel able to.  She only just about managed the poem today.  She told me that she keeps getting a pain in her heart.  She's had it checked and it's nothing medical but she told me today that she thinks it's heartache.  For all her faults she obviously misses mum very much. 

I've decided to keep mum's dressing gown.  It still smells of her.  Something to hug when I need her.

Yantibee I hope that the counselling helps. I wasn't sure when I started but am so glad that I went.  I'm sure that it will.  Although a firend of mine went and it was at the counsellors house.  He sat with his cat on his lap, stroking it the whole time.  She said it made her think of he James Bond film.  Then he kept having to get up to let the cat out.  Needless to say she won't be going back to him...  It's important to get the right person.

Hugs to all.

X

Sounds like a good though sad day Elenium. So nice they are together...

I have a scarf that smells of Mum.

I emailed the hospice and today they replied they would like a group of Mum's handmade and designed rabbit toys with hand made clothes for their Knitted Easter Chick display. I'm taking them in next week

Sis will come with me.  Tea and cake likely. 

Had sad afternoon with Dad at doctors talking about suicide and counselling. ..so bunny email was nice.

Jx

Hello Yantibee,

I am so sorry to hear you are suffering so much, I guess this is a testament to how much you loved your lovely Jill. My Dad is the same, 11 years after her death he stilll wells up when we talk about her. I amglad to hear that you will get help with this, it is massive and you need help.

Take care, Anneteresa

Well, it's 4am & I'm still awake! It doesn't help that the air ambulance or police helicopter is nearby. Don't know what's happening though. It looks like it's landed behind the houses a few yards away. 

Sue xx

Elenium. Together again. The way mum wanted. Oh i do so hope they are. Have you moved the hydrangea? the colour depends partially on acidity of soil (apparently). I do hope you are ok and maybe my mum was right, everyone reacts in different ways and yr sis is devastated but couldnt be with mum in her hours of need in the way you could. Its hard to fathom for me. Jenny. That is the sweetest idea, your mums bunnies being used. Will they use them each year. I will ask my partner to take a photo if he gets to see them at the hospice. (If you dont mind?) how special. Sue, hopefully you drifted off after copter disturbance. Im pleased we all seem to be finding our own ways to find help which gives small nuggets of time with some reprise from the ache. x

Maisiemae no I don't mind. I should be taking them in on Tuesday. 

Mum would say to you now if she were here (and I said to the hospice fund raiser) the rabbits are her simple easy to make toys.  The other ones we still have...the bears etc are too hard to let go and to my mind more amazing but I told hospice that if they have a fund raiser maybe when things are less raw we could let them have one to sell/auction in the future. 

How's Amsterdam? 

Jx

Ps. Mum was a perfectionist about her creations...

Jenny. Somehow I know that. Her passion in perfectionism as a creator. Very special. Amsterdam is rainy. My friend and i are in an Air BNB apartment at top of canalside house, v lovely but we are now so high we are adjacent to beautiful church clock in Jordaan. Lovely sound.... Every half hour and in the hour.... Throughout the night. Had glass of fizz at The Dylan last night before fish dinner. Today is shopping in 9 Lanes (the best area) of kooky independents. So Dam is good and i giggled last night, her with joint in back of cyclists buggy, me just happy to be there (i dont smoke anything) although with the tuktuk rainhood zipped up im sure my giggles were helped by trapped weed air!