Having a bad day

Maisiemae...I hear and know that pain you have. 

What else could you have done?

My sister had to do the same. I had flu was at mine. Dad was ill and unsteady on legs.  Mum got worse and she not only called ambulance for Mum but sis couldn't go with her to AandE. An awful thing to play on her mind. Mum whispered later she was out of it anyway..brave words...

When Mum was there she asked to come home I had to tell her no. I knew we couldn't do what she needed at home and I was scared. .but I hate it...I wish she could have been and have doubts  creeping in even though in the end the doctors said no too.

Other terrible memories. ..she asked us to move her legs often when in hospital that last time. Quite regularly as they filled with fluid and got uncomfortable with bedding pressing in to them. I had carefully done this a few times. Near the end I did this and she moaned in pain. .maybe her pelvis disintegrated further. I have to find a way to live with this...

She asked to die daily she wanted help..

My point Maisiemae is you and I and others am sure did our best.  Do we think our Mums would forgive us when in their right non drugged non cancerous minds?

I think so.

But I need to really believe accept and know it.

I am tortured by some of it.  As are sister and Dad. But I witnessed more.

How do we let ourselves get away from this.

Maisiemae...your Mum loved you. Keep hold of that.

All my love. 

Jx

Maisiemae, not mad at all. My Mum's & Alans ashes get told Good Morning & Goodnight. Although that might just meann I'm mad too! Lol 

I'm proud of the fact I got through this "money" week. The lady I dealt with at the Halifax said that some people can't deal with bank stuff for years! And I was told at all 3 banks that I made their task much easier as I was so organised by having all the documents they needed. So organised in fact that they released his money without me having to apply for the Letters of Administration!! I'm going to open a separate account on Monday to keep the funds completely apart from my own, with a paper trail to show everything. The guy at TSB said that the Court of Probate do more random audits these days. 

Leslie, Alans paperwork managed to burn out the motor on my shredder!!! I had to buy another one! And that's even with me only shredding the personal parts! 

I'm trying(not very successfully) to have an Estate free weekend

Love & Hugs to all of you

Sue xx

Maisiemae,

You did nothing that needs forgiveness. Remember, I had to Blackmail Alan into going that last time.

You did what any loving, caring, worried daughter would do. You got help. A friend's husband once told me that it takes much more strength to ask for help than trying to keep going. I remember him saying that like it was yesterday. 

Hugs 

Sue xxx

I ordered an extra small urn for Alans ashes that I'll keep after the rest are scattered. My Mum's the same

Sue xx

Hi sue yes i will do same. me, bit of mum and my dogs! Somewhere beautiful - now at kitchen table doing more paperwork - mums address books smell of her. Lovely smell. Mummy smell - oh dear im pleased im home alone so i can sniff, smell and weep. Trying to throw away a fee bits of paper! X

New potatoes in sainsbury's upset me.

Slap me now.

Wish I could run away. If only Dad didn't dialyse

If you fancy running to mine ever please say then we cld run together! New potatoes, daffodils, blossom, bagels - it does what it does at the least expected times. You are wonderfully sane and missing your mum and I understand 100% x

Was awake til 3.

I need to be alone more than is possible with Dad.

So unfair that he has to go back to where his wife died 3 times a week. 

This morning match of the day provides solace...for him.

For me only Vaughan Williams but know it sounds too sad for dad and sis. For me it helps.  I'm like a Vaughan Williams fantasia on a theme of Thomas tallis junkie sneaking moments to play it loud.

Hate everything today. 

Jx

Morning Jenny,

Sundays are the worst for me, maybe it's just coincidental that it's a Sunday for you to feel so low today.

Feel so much for your dad and sister but mega for you Jenny because you bore so much. 

Have your Vaughn Williams fix, I don't know much of his music, will have to investigate.

Depression day for me because I always spend more time with Bobs mum than I can during the week and she just has to go back to his last days again and again, I know she wasn't there and needs to know but there is only so much I can say, as the end doesn't change. 

On with the day, everyone, hope we all get some solace.

Xxx 

We (me, brothers and sisters - one of my sisters in law came too...) started clearing mum's stuff yesterday.  I managed about three hours and then told everyone we had to stop.  Just couldn't do anymore and couldn't bear to have everyone in mum's house. Too difficult.  Will have to do some more another time. 

GS and I went to see my neice's new baby - a girl but no name yet.  So sweet but got upset again because mum didn't get to meet her.

Then this morning GS, my daughter and I went over an antiques place that mum and I used to go to all the time.  We got to know quite a lot of people over there so had to tell them all that mum had died.  It was difficult as they all wanted to give me a hug which made me want to cry.  They were all so nice and said what a lovely lady mum was. Glad that's done now.

I have decided to keep some of mum's ashes.  I know she wants to be buried with dad but I'm sure she won't mind.  I'm going to have one of her hydrangeas (think I said before that mum loved them and I hate them.  I'm sure she would find that most amusing...) in my garden.  I will sprinkle her ashes in the hole before I plant it and then she will go into the hydrangea.  I'm going to plant it so I can see it from the kitchen window and then I can look out at her all the time.  My GS is going to do the same.  The forgivens don't want to keep any of mum's ashes and I can see that they think me and GS are weird for wanting that.  I don't care.  I want a small piece of mum with me always. 

Maisiemae, you don't need to hear your mum forgive you because there was nothing to forgive, Jenny, I don't know Vaughn Williams but hope it helps. Bobles I think you are amazing for spending so much time with your MIL.  Sue and yantibee I hope you are having and OK (as much as possible) weekend.

Hugs to all, including those that read but don't post.

X