Having a bad day

Hi All,

It's 13 weeks tomorrow since I lost my Alan. I wish I'd been able to do what some of you did, & that's recording his voice. 

I think I'm struggling a bit because I feel in limbo. I can't do anything about his flat as it's still being cleared. And until wimpy son gets the signed Deed of Renunciation back to the solicitors I can't apply for the Letters of Administration.

I'm having real problems motivating myself to do things. Paperwork, housework etc. With 2 cats I should really sweep every other day, but can't be arsed tbh!!

Maisiemae, have you seen me driving then? Lol I'm like my Darling Mum was, a real petrol head! In the winter I used to get texts from her like " I'm going out to play in the snow in my Subaru!" She had a Subaru Outback,& loved it! When Dad was alive they always had to get the car he wanted, even though he didn't enjoy driving. It was a means to an end, & 1 of my brothers is the same. The rest of us are like Mum & love it. I must admit this car is more comfortable than mine. I may go down to Essex for a couple of days in the next month or so in it. I miss my friends down there. I think I'd move back if I could afford it. 

I keep you all in my heart's, & when I can't sleep I read some of our early posts. 

I too am a Classic FM fan. I try & listen for a while before I go to bed, then if I wake up during the night switch the radio in the bedroom on for a little while.

Love to all

Sue xx

Unknown said:

Hi All,

It's 13 weeks tomorrow since I lost my Alan. I wish I'd been able to do what some of you did, & that's recording his voice. 

I think I'm struggling a bit because I feel in limbo. I can't do anything about his flat as it's still being cleared. And until wimpy son gets the signed Deed of Renunciation back to the solicitors I can't apply for the Letters of Administration.

I'm having real problems motivating myself to do things. Paperwork, housework etc. With 2 cats I should really sweep every other day, but can't be arsed tbh!!

Maisiemae, have you seen me driving then? Lol I'm like my Darling Mum was, a real petrol head! In the winter I used to get texts from her like " I'm going out to play in the snow in my Subaru!" She had a Subaru Outback,& loved it! When Dad was alive they always had to get the car he wanted, even though he didn't enjoy driving. It was a means to an end, & 1 of my brothers is the same. The rest of us are like Mum & love it. I must admit this car is more comfortable than mine. I may go down to Essex for a couple of days in the next month or so in it. I miss my friends down there. I think I'd move back if I could afford it. 

I keep you all in my heart's, & when I can't sleep I read some of our early posts. 

I too am a Classic FM fan. I try & listen for a while before I go to bed, then if I wake up during the night switch the radio in the bedroom on for a little while.

Love to all

Sue xx

Today is the first time I've felt I could drink some wine since Mum was admitted in to hospital. So I've read your posts but might be a bit rambley! !!

Maisiemae I love trains too.

Not so good at the driving but OK map reader if no satnav.

Shopgood I range from manically having to do everything NOW and not wanting to move much but having to because of Dad. Today I went out with unbleached moustache no make up and something stuck on my jumper I think porridge?   I was clean though. ..my sister was not impressed as never leaves the house without make up.  Not sure there is a tidy pattern to grief but hopefully a professional would know better.

Didn't manage to record mum as she was coughing so much so my only recording I haven't listened to yet was from January 2016 when she was in hospital wishing dad better.. so rather a sad recording as she was weak post op.

Elenium please remind me or someone else can about red on Tuesday. ..as I may forget otherwise. ..but have a red handbag anyway...

Today I got picture frames...so mums photos are all around the house.  Dad looks like Cary Grant in the early ones and Mum looks very pixie like.  

Disagreed with sister who put two small photos in one frame very carefully but I didn't like it.looked too squashed. I usually back down as she's rather volcanic and creatively good at stuff like this... .today I didn't I don't know why but it was instinctive not driven by being difficult in any way.

We've bought paper luggage tags for people to write messages on and tie to a garland round mum's casket on the day if they want. Her close friends couldn't see her near the end they had before the last time she went in..they may need to express their feelings.

Dad weeping in dialysis today.

I don't cry as much as dad and sister...I don't know why.  Maybe I've cried for 16 months already?

Yantibee did you sleep? 

Jx

Just read Mum's last text to me "had lovely reflex love m"  therapist had given reflexology.  The text before that she had asked for her walking frame as she wanted to walk to toilet not pads.  

Sent from hospital 14 days before she died.

Miss her so much.

Really want to go home to my flat but can't. 

Jx

Maisiemae, hope you got to Norfolk alright and are OK.

Sue, I'm sending you a big hug. It's still early days honey.  Perhaps you should make the arrangements to go and see your friends in Essex.  It will be good for you.

Jenny, of course I will remind you about the red for mum.  I haven't cried as much as I thought I would either but I think it's still not hit me. Maybe it's the same for you?

We went out shopping today and both me and GS got red dresses for the funeral so me, sisters and my two girls will all be wearing red dresses for our beloved mum/nanny.  I think she would approve.

We've had a nice day and talked about mum all the time and remembered all our shopping trips.  We would always go to Pizza Hut for lunch when we had a shopping trip together so we did that today too. 

When we were kids mum used to be a cleaner and there was one family that she worked for who she became friends with and I used to babysit for one of the daughters children when I was a teenager.  I wrote to the daughters (the mum died quite a few years ago) to let them know about mum and one of them rang me today saying that they are going to come to the funeral.  She said some lovely things about mum.  She said that they always considered her to be one of the family and how much her mum thought of my mum.  It was so nice of her and I'm really glad they are coming.

Will it ever feel real that she's gone?  I feel like she's just gone out or she's at home and I'll be seeing her when I get back.  I miss her so much.  I wanted to ring her today to tell about the dresses.  

I hope everyone is OK and gets some sleep tonight.

Love to all. X

You are all doing amazingly welll, considering the circumstances. To speak is difficult, I could not do it

3.15 am and we're up....zzzzz

I got a bit more sleep but still keep waking up all the time.  I kept dreaming about being on holiday with mum. We did used to go on holiday but this was one that didn't happen and mum was ill in it and it wasn't very nice at all.  Images from it keep popping into my head. 

Elenium...sorry...

Glad you got some sleep too.

Dad and sis have had some nice dreams. I've had no dreams but seem to be holding on to horrible images. I see or look at regularly  I wonder if I need this to make it more real. ..who knows...anyway it's distressing.

Listened to Vaughan Williams Thomas Tallis (sp?) this morning very good for weeping to...also peaceful. 

I slept though woke at midnight 1 and 3.

Jxxx

Jenny,

Sometimes the image of mum after she died pops into my head.  I just push it away and replace it with a picture of her and dad.  I know it's easy for me to say but I think it would be better if you tried to do the same.  It's a bit like when you've got a spot, you know you shouldn't touch it but you can't help yourself (sorry it was the only analogy I could think of).  Try to think of good times honey.  You don't need to make it more real.  Unfortunately, that'll happen all on it's own.

Sending you a big hug Jenny. X