Having a bad day

I agree with you Sue, legalities are gradually eroding that Bob has ever lived; I still call myself his wife, notvwidow as so many insist on. I correct them as I still am.

Xx

I had decided that I was going into work tomorrow.  I am interviewing for a new member of staff have one interview tomorrow.  I text my boss to say I was coming in to do that and then depending on how I feel may stay in for the rest of the day.  She told me it was OK she would do it.  So I said that I just want to do something normal. She text back saying to just see how I feel in the morning.  A little while later she text me to say that she would be doing the interview but I could sit in.  It has been decided by the head of our unit.  I get that he probably thinks he's looking out for me and trying to help but it's actually made me feel worse.  I was feeling quite positive about it and now I just don't want to go in.  They will be my member of staff and I should be doing the interview and making the decision.  I've text her back to say this but had no response yet.  Actually feel really p'd off about it.  As if I don't feel crap enough...

Sorry, needed to rant a bit...

I get it. You have had very little choice for a long time. You got to choose to go in and help decide on a member of your team and even that has been taken away from you. You have every reason to be annoyed. In my opinion a bad management decision made here. To safeguard i would have suggested a joint lead. Not a there there then approach although probably unintended as i recall they have been supportive of you and your needs re yr mum. elenium maybe given their previous spot on empathic approach perhaps ask that you be treated as an equal and not in a position of lesser than. Our fierce strength as been lioness like. An interview pah. My condesending fuckwit sister says ive enough in my plate, now she says that, after mum has died she finds every opportunity to belittle me in her holier than though way. Another parrallel maybe?? Xxxx

I can understand why you're pissed off. Well meaning people who don't listen to what you tell them about what you can and can't do and instead make assumptions are aggravating. So is having to be grateful all the time when you just want life to be semi normal.

I was really sorry to hear about your mum and my thoughts are with you too.

Thank you Diziet Sma.

I have decided not to go in.  I got really angry about it all last night as hadn't heard back from my boss.  Was awake most of the night with it going round and rouind in my head,making me feel worse.  Text my boss this morning to tell her that and say that I was feeling positive about going in and being normal for a few hours and they have now brought me down and I've not slept. She came back to me saying that they made the decision because interviewing is really stressful and the didn't want to put me under any additional stress.  I get they did it for the right reasons but they are both new and don't really know me.  They should have waited until I came in and seen how I was.  I actually don't find intervewing stressful and was looking forward to it.  Now I can't sleep.  Have taken one of my dogs (the other wouldn't get out of bed!) for the longest walk she's had for ages.

Waiting for the kids to get up and will give them lift to station and school. 

Maiseimaie, I think your sister is feeling guilty, not that she'd ever admit it, and is taking it out on you but with the pretense that she's trying to help.  Families...

My eldest brother's son wants to help carry mum's coffin.  I want to say "Why, when you couldn't come and see her for the last 6 months? So just f off." But obviously I won't.  I know it hurt mum that he didn't come (his sister didn't either) but I think she would be glad that he wants to do this.  My borther was making excuses for them and I didn't say anything but I so wanted to.  I was biting my lip so much I'm amazed I didn''t make it bleed.  Good sister said the same thing later.  He said they wanted to remember mum like she was.  She looked ok until the last few weeks really.  Anyway they are not children, but adults.  Get over yourselves and man up,  Both my children were there regularly and mum loved seeing them and they are the youngest of all her grandchildren.

We can put letters and photos in the coffin.  Brothers and their kids have said they don't want to.  Both my girls want to and so do I.  Good sister is too.  It's like my family are split in two.  Me and good sister want to do all we can, help and care etc and the others are completely different.  It's not that they don't care, but it's like they don't care enough.  I don't know.  Can't get my head round it.

I'll stop waffling now...

How is everyone doing?

Love to all. X

Hi Elenium understand the annoyance about work feeling normal would have been of comfort however briefly. 

Re relatives. ...don't know about you but people are crawling out of the woodwork who haven't seen Mum for years. My uncle keeps saying when is funeral do I have a date yet what about this and that...he has to book a flight etc etc..  .. he didn't book a flight before she died. Am sorry he's grieving now but I can't rush!

Am tired after phoning her lovely friends who were there for her and breaking their hearts though. Yesterday got hold of the lovely men she did window display in the west end with in the 60's they are devastated.

My cousin and aunt from my Dad's side are coming Sunday and bringing food to feed us. So sweet of them.  They live a long way away. They're bringing Mum's favourite food - Italian. My uncle died a horrible death so they get it they've been here.

Yesterday felt like she hadn't died but was just upstairs in bed or at hospital and we'd visit later so odd as I had seen her after death.  Today I shake with grief.

The house is full of flowers.

Elenium we are going to write cards to put in with Mum too.

My poor sis in agony writing may help.

People talk to me about their own experience of death as I contact them about Mum I  think I feel envious of those who seem to have had a more peaceful death....forgive me...

Love to all.

Jxxx

Dads new neighbour bought us a lasagne.

Some nice people out there.

Jx

Can't believe this is page 80 of this collection of experiences of this dreadful disease, what a group of inspirational loving caring people considering what we have all been through . 

Feel like I am living detached from everyone at the moment, their lives just carrying on but mine stuck in some horrible place between what I knew to be normal and what I now don't want to accept and a new normal 

My thoughts are with you all especially Elenium and Jenny at this most sad time 

I keep reading but honestly don't really know what to say to post anything!!!. On the topic of meeting up one day maybe we'll what an honour that would be !! 

Love to you all x

Oh Yantibee, sending you a big hug.

I don't think it's really hit me yet.  I have moments where I get upset when I realise I'm not going to see her, speak to her or laugh with her again but it's fleeting.  Feel a bit numb really.

X