Having a bad day

Elenium,

Alan started having trouble swallowing in his last days. The consultant said it was a result of the body mechanisms starting to shut down. That's when he also lost the power of speech. We communicated with hand squeezes, one for yes & two for no. On the evening before he died I was going to leave about 6 to try & get some rest. With what little strength he had left he squeezed my hand as if to say "Please don't leave yet". I stayed till 6.30 and this time there was no squeeze. I knew in that instant I wouldn't see him again. I kissed him & told him I loved him, & that I knew he loved me. 

I'm sorry if I'm repeating what I've said in previous posts.

My heart is breaking for you all today. 

I watched 2 catchup episodes of Call the Midwife last night & they both made me cry. I'd been wanting to cry for a week now, and the release was wonderful. I realised when watching them that the main thing I'm missing is Alan hugging me, or rubbing my back in bed if I was having a nightmare. It was so reassuring. I slept better last night & feel a tad more positive today. 

I'm popping out a bit later to check whether the clearance guy has actually started yet. Fingers crossed. 

Huge Hugs to All my Lovely Friends on here. You help me through the dark times. 

Sue xx

Elenium we are in the same place jx

Im crying for you too. Have they shown you how to do oral care for mum? Wet little sponge to gently go around the mouth, slight antiseptic on it. Or a little domed ice cube on top of the sponge although mum couldnt swallow it as it melted - i thought i had choked her once - forgive me if im suggesting and you know already, just i had zero knowledge at this time and these tips helped me feel weeny bit like i was of use. Keep talking of lovely memories and tell her its ok to go if she is ready. So hard but 'they say' sometimes people need permission. I could chuck up at the memory but your mums know you are there. Can you stay by the bedside now? Xxx

Hello,

All that Maisiemai says and use a lip balm as well.

Love and hugs to you all. Xx

All medications increased. Vaseline on lips.

Have sponge things with water for mouth. Although now is on back mouth open so don't want her to choke on fluid if trickles back.

All she says now is uncomfortable. 

Dad and sis here too.

Earlier just me and her she nearly went I know she did but just came back again...

Her eyes are slightly open.

Tried to give her sip earlier but she can't suck v well.

Her breathing now regular again. .

How much longer...

Dad will have to go home soon as v tired..

Jx

Jenny,

You are doing everything you can, stay with her.

Love xx

I may have to take dad at some point. .

Jenny. I left mum to get her husband to her. She passed without me there. Its hard for me to accept. I hear its commonplace. Im not a dr of course but if you want to be with mum when she does take her last breath i wonder if there is an option on someone else taking him for a rest xxx

Jenny, I agree with Maisiemai, stay with her if you can.

X

Am home now with dad. Sister staying til 8. We're all exhausted.

Mum nearly went but now clinging on again.

It's so unbearably cruel. In hospital wanting to die but she can't. 

Pinned to her mattress by her body fluid weight. Can't eathe drink or be comfortable.   Had all the meds Inc stuff to calm her...still not at peace. 

Reassured her OK to go...

Awful..

Jx