Hi anyone reading this...
First of all thank you for taking the time to read my post. I've come here with the feeling of nowhere else to go, I'm not the best at talking but find it easier to express myself in black and white.
My partner had a GP appointment on Thursday with a hard lump underneath his jaw, I booked the appointment on his behalf as he is not one to visit the doctors on his own accord. To put a brief bit of history into context, my partner had a rare form of cancer called a rhabdomysarcoma when he was just a toddler and was officially considered as being in remission many many years later.
We had hoped and still hope that the lump is just a swollen lymph node but the ANP shared concerns with his past medical history, his paleness and to the fact that the lump is hard and immoveable. My partner has been quite seriously underweight since we met just over 7 years ago now and weight loss is also a symptom of cancer affecting the lymph nodes.
I am here because I really need help, I feel like I've already lost my partner and he hasn't even had an official diagnosis yet. He has had a blood test and should be seeing a specialist within the next week and a half but just the sheer possibility of him having cancer for the second time is consuming my every waking moment. I am in despair and I can't stop crying, I suffer with generalised anxiety disorder too and whenever I look at him all I can ask myself is 'does he look more pale than he did yesterday' 'has he eaten enough today' 'how on earth would I live without him' 'will my daughter have to grow up without her dad?. I am absoloutly terrified of the results coming back conclusive with another cancer diagnosis, I simply cannot cope with just the prospect of it being a possibility and I know that a confirmed diagnosis will destroy me. I can't sleep, I am constantly worrying, I couldn't concentrate at work on Friday and broke down in front of my manager.
I am an utter mess and on top of the grief I also feel terribly guilty of feeling the way I do. I am usually a very strong person and don't tend to express my feelings well but I have broke down in front of my partner twice now already and it seems like he is consoling me and it should be the other way around. I am doing my upmost to support him, I will be at every single appointment he has to attend and will be with him through everything. I am also trying to help him gain weight and we have come up with a diet plan and I cook all his meals and dinners (he is genuinley awful at cooking) and a lazy eater to the point of if he is starving he simply won't eat if he can't be bothered to make anything. However, it's taking everything out of me, I work 30 hours a week and have a 4 year old daughter who is already a handful bless her but we also have a lot of other things going on behind the scenes and I am struggling to find enough of me to be able to deal with everything and whilst I don't quiete mean it like the way you may read this as a viewer but the last few days has been like looking after 2 children. Don't get me wrong I would go to the ends of the earth for him but I am exhausted emotionally and physically.
Others at work have said to me just take one day at a time and try and "chill" until you know what it is but I just can't do that I am trying but it's just there all the time, the waiting and the emotions and just the overall struggle as above is too much to bare.
I am so sorry this is such a long post but I just needed to get it out there.
Thank you again for reading and if anyone that is going through the same I am so sorry and I hope, like I hope for my partner, that it's not what we think x
