By way of background, I had a breakdown around 2 years ago following a mentally abusive marriage, and was diagnosed with PTSD. I've done so much work on myself and really got my life back on track, I was actually loving life and looking forward to what was next for me.
I was diagnosed with Grade 1 Endo Cancer 4 weeks ago, the MRI is suggesting Stage 1A and I'm now waiting a full hysterectomy - I've had to be referred to a specialist hospital due to significant endometriosis and one of my tubes has fluid in it, which is causing me to worry.
I'm single following my divorce last year, I have an adult daughter (22) at home who is a good support but I don't want to put too much on her as she struggled through our divorce, her dad has disappeared and blocked her and she unfortunately witnessed me at some very low points.
My CNS and the team, together with my GP and GP nurse have all been incredibly positive from the start but this hasn't helped me at all, I am constantly looking for reassurance and I am convinced that this is the end for me, I am only 46. I've been prescribed various medication, anti-depressants, propranolol and lorazepam, but I feel increasingly overwhelmed and depressed. I have spent today calling various mental health helplines, and I have been signposted to various services but there's so many waiting lists.
My close friends and daughter have told me that they're not worried about the cancer, they're worried about my mental health. I have PTSD from the marriage breakdown and I feel that this new trauma is an extension of what I've been through.
I just wanted to reach out on here - does anyone else struggle to the extent where they feel that they are completely overwhelmed and cannot cope?
Hi Lizbot794e09
I have debated whether or not I should reply here, but having seen you haven’t had any replies yet I thought I might try. I know how it feels not to have anyone respond to a request for help.
I am a member of the womb group because I’ve had surgery to remove mine, amongst many other things, for my cervical cancer, so I have seen your posts before and am aware of your situation.
I appreciate you have asked for others to reply who might have found themselves overwhelmed and unable to cope but confess that I have not found myself quite in the same position. I still don’t want to leave your post unanswered.
Where I have found myself is with ptsd, currently on propranolol amongst other medication, and having undergone 3 different periods of mental health help with professional counsellors. I hope I have some empathy and understanding of where you find yourself at the moment.
You have had many ladies reply to you in the womb group, and everyone has done their best to reassure you, as have the medical staff, but I can understand that it doesn’t seem to be helping you due to your paralysing fear.
My ptsd gives me that same paralysing fear at times, and it’s impossible for anyone who hasn’t experienced it to understand it. You can’t pull yourself together, you can’t accept the logic of what you’re being told, you just can’t. I found myself to be extremely negative at the times when my ptsd was to the fore, and it didn’t matter what anyone tried to tell me or how many times I was told by others I would be fine. I was irrational, but I literally couldn’t help it, and couldn’t change it or control it.
Believe me, I get it completely-I’ve been there.
You have reached out for help with your mental health and that’s a huge thing to be proud of. I didn’t for a long time. It unfortunately takes time to get help-it’s just the pressures of an overloaded system. I can admit that I completely broke down in hospital after I had a stroke-nothing to do with my cancer at the time. All of my feelings poured out to two astonished nurses and my main feelings revolved around feeling not listened to, and not having any help after a cancer recurrence and massive, life changing surgery. I felt alone. They were concerned enough to refer me immediately to mental health, but that still took a couple of months on the nhs to get this.
I got the help I needed and am very grateful for it. I have been able to move forward.
I understand how tempting it must be to use dr google, but I have never done that since my diagnosis in 2018. I knew it would make me spiral and put me in a really bad place mentally. I trusted those looking after me, and I didn’t even read the Macmillan cancer booklet given to me by my nurse. I asked her to put it in an envelope and seal it up. I didn’t open it for about 7 months, after my treatment had finished. That was how I dealt with things but we are all different. I put my faith and trust in the professionals.
I concentrated on one day at a time, one appointment at a time. I had to learn to focus on the present and what I knew AT THAT particular moment in time. Not the “but what if”” questions, not the things my imagination conjured up. They weren’t real-only the facts of the moment were real.
For you, the fact that you know for now is that you have an early stage cancer which can be treated and is curable. That’s what you need to try to learn to hold onto. And it does take some work to learn to think like that, but you have done this before in different situations.
I’m not sure if any of this might help, but I hope it lets you see you are not alone and there are others who can understand. Maybe that’s what you need right now. I know I cannot change your mindset, and currently it’s negative because of fear, but I can say that it’s possible to feel better in time. I’m happy to chat any time if you think it would help at all.
Sarah xx
Thank you Lizbot794e09
You are doing your very best to access the help you need, and you understand what your issues are-not everyone can do that, so that’s really positive I think.
I try my best to be as positive as I can, but it’s not always possible, and that’s ok too- in life generally we go through a huge range of emotions about all sorts of things and throwing cancer in the mix can heighten that because it brings the unknown and a lack of control. That’s hard.
I do my best not to look backwards as that’s not the way I’m going, but nonetheless there are times when I’m more likely to think about things and reflect perhaps more than usual. I finished my first line of treatment on Christmas Eve, 7 years ago, so I tend to have memories resurface around this time of year. I try not to dwell on those difficult times, and work hard to keep those thoughts in their usual box in my head.
Tonight I am watching a knitting programme on tv-I can’t even knit! But it’s a useful distraction for me and I know that it’s good for me to get involved in watching something that’s fun rather than remembering those days, and especially Christmas Day itself.
I never cried when I was diagnosed with cancer, nor during my treatment, but I’ve cried today because my best friend lost her cat…so my feelings were sadness for her rather than anything about me. It just makes us human to express our emotions in whatever way is best for us-no judgement from me for that! And your team is there to help try to calm and reassure you-I spoke to my nurse weekly throughout my treatment and could have called her at any time if I needed to.
You are in a difficult time of waiting for definitive answers, but I hope when those answers come, you will start to feel a little more positive and have belief that you can get through this.
Sarah xx
It is a tricky time… I’ve lost all my own birth family, there’s only me and my children and they are all miles away.
My partner’s been admitted to hospital today, so I’m going to be on my own for Christmas which will be a bit strange. At least I have my little cat for company. I’ll get watching more knitting!
Sarah xx
Hi Lizbot794e09
Thank you- downgraded from critical to serious now, and had a very difficult and only partially successful procedure done today..it was touch and go a few days ago, but things were looking a little better this afternoon, thankfully.
It’s been a very anxious time.
Sarah xx
