Toxic Positivity

Hi I have oesophagal cancer and my mum is the same, doesn't call doesn't want to talk about it. It is very treatable and my chemo starts soon before op to remove tumour later this year. You don't get chosen to have cancer the gene is in all of us and something triggers it. Rest of my family are very supportive . I'm just taking it day by day always trying to stay positive but agree it's not easy

Wow. That’s a cracker!  You are the chosen one!  I know some truly lovely people whom I know have a strong faith and time spent with them is always rewarding. On the other hand there are some be weird interpretations of faith out there. As for your other friend. Clearly she wasn’t one really.  Hope you have better friends than these around you  

mike

xx

It messed with my head a lot and I’m not particularly religious. I thought why me and not someone who was a murderer etc! Why chose me - just because I’m strong! At the moment I feel like I’m hiding behind a permanent fake smile x

We'll, that's rich. Where's the solace in that? I've got someone too who is a very gentle person but always rubs me up the wrong way by trying to convert me to his religious beliefs. I don't want that because I just I find no comfort in that. I have another friend who repeatedly tells me that she is not in the least concerned about me. It's her way of saying I'll be fine. This is after op, chemo and radiotherapy and the same again after recurrence 4 years later. I would like to say to them that they haven't got a clue. But I know I won't. I just retreat into my own head and try to sort things out. 

This is really interesting thread and sums up a lot of what I've puzzled over.  I'm 4 months post pelvic chemo/radio and I struggle talking to some people because of their positivity!  My brother has this view that the human body is a remarkable engine that fixes itself and returns to 'normality'.  I can't seem to get across to him that it is unknown what the long term effects may be and that the insidious daily effects I am experiencing may not go away just by focusing on exercise and healthy living.  Duhh - there's an expectation on me that I've had the treatment so all's good, that's over with now, move on, you're better!  Wow - how do you educate these people??  It sometimes makes me wonder if its just me that's got it wrong. 

Genuinely what do people say when they receive toxic positivity?

im awaiting treatment options and have been dealing with operations and biopsies etc since end feb. My dad has stayed away and withdrawn. Apart from family events. Today he said I’ll come see you when you’re better … I said what do you mean? “ when you have more positive news”!

I think people like to deny what’s happening too xxx lots of love 

Hi I have not heard about toxic positivity before. Lots of friends and some strangers say I look so well. I must say I have never been offended.  I say thanks and if feeling rough tell them! I will continue to take it as a compliment and say how I really feel! Honesty is sometimes good. I don't want people saying I look terrible. You look good is often followed by 'how are you'. No idea how I would react to you look terrible. I,  like all of us cancer patients have good and bad days. It's great to share our personal experiences with each other.

I think positivity becomes toxic when people start to talk about you. Your actions, your lifestyle, your thoughts, your feelings. And projecting their opinions onto you, be they religious, philosophical or pragmatic. Some of the examples in this thread are frankly appalling. To use the modern expression some people if they think these things really do need to give their head a wobble!

I think maybe people feel so helpless and churn out platitudes trying to be positive themselves. They really want us to "get better" but are afraid to confront the fact that cancer is here to stay. Whatever the treatment, it always leaves a shadow. Nobody wants to talk about the fears and the sense of finality. There is no answer. I would just like those around me to accept my fate and understand that I cannot make any long term plans. I have not given myself up by a long chalk and try to live a full and active life. I don't need anyone to lecture me about wonder foods or exercise or tell me to keep up the fight. That's the equivalent of pointing out what I 've been doing wrong.  But it also shows the willingness of others to offer "good" advice or offer a solution, however desperate it may sound.  That's why I find it refreshing to take part in these discussions where fear needs no justification. Does me good!