Hi, my partner has recently been diagnosed. We are at the stage of telling people and updating people with the situation. The one thing that has really stood out to me is the amount of toxic positivity. I understand people don't know what to say, they want to be kind, make you/them feel better however, it jars so much when you keep hearing "think positive, it will be fine, forget about it for the weekend" etc. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you ignore it? call it out? Personally i've been calling it out in a nice way. The more people are aware of toxic positivity the better moving forward. People just mean well i guess.
Hi Mart1 …… I have been on my rare, incurable but treatable blood cancer journey for over 24 years now so have heard it all and some.
As you say people at times just don’t know what to say and it’s only when you talk with others with lived experience that you find a different honest and informed narrative.
You will find that the ‘positivity’ language will keep coming along so you just have to have selective hearing. But at other times when you know people well and know that you can be open, do try to educate them in a supportive way…… for some people being positive is their default level of their support pot so helping them understand is in turn helping others going through cancer that these people come in contact with in the future.
As for the positive mind set…… there is a place for it.
My Respiratory Consultant (I also have asbestosis) is a very good family friend and he maintains that of all the patients he sees those who are glass half-full people do actually add to their ability to get through their treatment and come out the other end in a better place than those who don’t have that mind set - it’s not scientifically proven, just his observation from many years dealing with cancer patients.
Hi Mart1
I am still experiencing some toxic positivity almost 5 years on from my original diagnosis. It’s the same person, and this week with something that was said I was both angry and upset. It doesn’t make me feel better, it doesn’t help, and I’ve kept my counsel up till now. However, I don’t like it, I don’t want it so I called her out and asked if she was aware of toxic positivity. That ended the conversation, which was by messenger, so I don’t expect I’ll be hearing from that person again. And that’s ok.
Sarah xx
Hi Suejam,
I have the same, because I was told I would lose my hair with chemo and it only thinned (I have extremely thick hair) I am just told how well I look, don’t get me wrong I am looking much better now after chemo and surgery and managing to put on weight which is great, but some people tend to react by saying well done you, you can now get on with your life!! I then say yes thank you for that but I have a scan next month again and a cytoscopy in September to check no reoccurrence and if clear still I will be checked in six months again.
I am not after sympathy, I just wish people would think before they speak and realise you have gone through a life changing experience that remains with you for ever, a simple great to see you, and are you managing okay would suffice.
That is my venting over too 
I agree completely with this! I am so glad I kept things quiet when I was first diagnosed. I still got some unhelpful stuff but not much because I limited who I told. People are scared of cancer, I think it’s as simple as that. Those of a certain age grew up terrified of this illness which was spoken about in whispers, and where it was seen as a death sentence. That still lingers for many I think.
The stay strong and positive nonsense makes people feel better about themselves-it’s not about us, the patients. People say it, absolve themselves of having to do any further thinking, feel they have done something good, and move on-relieved they don’t have cancer themselves.
I always felt my cancer was my business and no-one else’s, other than who I chose to tell. I asked my partner not to tell anybody. This was my control when everything else was out of my control. Once people know, you can’t take it back, and you can’t control what they do with the information. I didn’t want that to happen.
Sarah xx
