Toxic Positivity

I had some stupid person say " can't you fight it ????" What the hell does she think we're doing ? The mind boggles .

I only told Family and very close friends....until recently I did a birthday fundraiser for pancreatic  cancer,  and raised £1027 .00 , just with friends and family, I was so pleased. 

Hi I kind of get what you say but like you say it's difficult for them to find the right things to say, it's hard for them too. I think being positive is a good thing well it is for me but understand it's not for some who prefer to deal with it on their own

Hi Mart1. I laughed and grimaced when I saw your phrase "toxic positivity." It summarises how I felt about some reactions to my cancer diagnosis from close family and friends, who I thought should know better. At the time, I was too upset to call it out. I was already upset by my diagnosis and couldn't handle unhelpful reactions. It added to my sense of isolation and loneliness. Luckily, I found a Maggie's Centre, where kind people listened to me and never told me to be positive. In fact, one of the staff told me they have banned the phrase "be positive." 

Months later, the same member of staff said they would like to run courses for family and friends of cancer patients, to help them be alongside their loved ones in their hour of need. If you haven't had cancer, it's very difficult to understand what it's like and to know how to be supportive. I look back and wince at some of the ways I didn't help friends with cancer. 

I think you're right: people mean well, but ... Well done you, for gently helping them learn the error of their ways ! We want our families and friends to be there for us, and they want that, too. 

I hope you and your partner are getting lots of support now. 

Hi Mart1 and all of the forum participants. 

Toxic positive.... well what can I say about it? In reality Hate it, when people say, you look so well, really??? That thing to me is not my looking is my feelings is what it matters the most and that is really hard to describe and show.

For example,  went to see my GP last week,  my wife went with me and we where really not happy about his comments, I went there because I am in constant pain is disturbing my sleep. What do you think he told me about it? This where his words:

You are lucky to be alive

I was in shock, I could not believe that a health professional could talk like that, he his supposed to be trained to comfort patients like me with: major hearth failure and Stage4 colon cancer.... instead is telling me I am lucky to be alive.

Really ???

Maybe next time I go see my pets vet, probably the outcome will be better at least more professional. 

Hi All, I’ve just come across this post and I feel it 

I’ve stage 1a endo cancer, I’ve been told it’s curative and I should be having a hysterectomy in January. My close family have taken this as if I have nothing to worry about and should just crack on with life. Meanwhile, I’ve sunk into depression and crippling anxiety that my dad and brother are telling me to snap out of, and my mum (who has dementia) is giving me platitudes (she told me I’ll be fine, as I’m ’clever’) 

I divorced last year, my 22 year is supporting me but I don’t want to lean on her too much. I rang my parents yesterday as I just wanted my parents, despite me being 46 - I feel completely lonely and isolated. My dad, who’s always been so supportive, started shouting at me for being upset, telling me I’ve been told I’m going to be okay and asking what I’m ’bloody well crying for then.’

I’d love someone to just put an arm round me and let me have a good cry on their shoulder, without any platitudes 

Hi Ulla, 100% understand your point. We don't need people to trying to tell us we are going to be fine,  all that bla...bla.... I have stage4 colon cancer is incurable that's it, I accept it,  but why are people around me not accepting it? Is nothing to do with them, I am the one who has it that's it. All that:

"You are going to be fine, and you are going to be ok, and you look really well.... all that bla... bla... bla... it just infuriates me. 

One thing I keep getting told by someone is, "You're a fighter". No, I'm not a fighter, I'm a victim. I lay alone and cry and have no mental strength. It's not fighting and it's not living.

I have just found this post (and site!) So realise it's date of original post. Without any irony I sincerely do hope you're doing OK.

I thought id add my experience to this for anyone still reading and might relate. I've had quite a few "rollercoaster" situations, the most notable was a spinal cord injury at the age of 24 from a 30 foot fall that I had to reset and start a new life again from.

My injuries were critical for months, I was told I'd never walk again, and at such a young age I initially felt my life was over. It wasn't. By ways I don't even understand now in reflection, I chose hard work and determination. Which paid off. At 45 now, I've accomplished more than I'd ever had thought I could. physically, mentally, socially and achieved massive success within my passion for music (Relevant to my story)

Because of this initial miraculous come back and having a huge amount of folk across the UK I have met through my music, so everyone knows my story. I know they mean well, but for 20 years I have this stigma of "You are an inspiration" attached. folks saying "whenever I'm down I always think of you, and how you just get on with life"

I swallowed it for years but now it's so tiring, I had a cancer in 2023 and am now about to start my journey into a separate unrelated more serious case. These words of inspiration "you've got this, you're a fighter" etc sadden me so much now. Why can't I just have some words of comfort through tough times. I am a human not a story.

Only a tiny selection of people I care about know what I'm about to go through, I've shielded them a little of is severity, but they know I'll need them to get through this one, and they know to go softly and wait til im ready. Once this news gets out, I'm dreading the bombardment of practical strangers (fans) throwing the mentioned cliche comments my way. Especially over social media for my privacy to become gossip.

So my discovered strength at times of need has been a super power, and also a massive downfall in regards to just wanting to be like any other who is in time of need and support. 

I hope this doesn't sound too negative, but it's a perspective I'm sure others reading are experiencing also.

Much love to those, and try and go easy on yourself. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. 

Rigz - Just remember that you can do this, you're a fighter, right?

Sorry.

Something I've noticed is that my sense of humour has increased 10 fold since my cancer got 20 times worse lately. No idea why. I'm sure I offend people, but.....well I don't particularly care.

All the best to everyone here. I find very little support here to be honest so rarely bother any more, but I hope things are better for others.

Geoff.