How and when to tell kids about their Nan

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I took Mum for the meeting with the specialist nurse yesterday where she was told that they are confident that she has incurable cancer in her oesophagus and Gullet. They have booked her in for another Biopsy on Monday to find out more about the cancer and make a treatment plan but Mum is morbidly Obese and struggles to walk so Chemo may be too much of a stretch for her.

i don’t like with my kids (they are 15 and 11) and I’m not due to have have them until next weekend when I know more. My 11 y/old Son knows that his Nanny has been unwell and has seen her over the past 2 weeks. My daughter, however, has just finished GCSE’s and has missed the last couple of opportunities to see my Mum because she is busy with revision/ end of year stuff.

I’m planning on telling them about my Mum next weekend and I’d also like them to see her before she gets worse. I’d really like to know if anyone on here has advise around:

How to tell the kids generally

Whether to tell them the extent of my Mums illness before or after they’ve seen her.

How to support my daughter with any potential guilt that she may feel for not having seen my Mum in a while

Thanks

RedTree26 21 days ago

My thoughts are you tell them straight don't dress it up or down play things....kids whatever age are more switched on than we think and sometimes the feeling of not knowing exactly what's going on and feeling adults are hiding things causes them just as much worry as being told the truth...

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-blogs/b/speaking-to-an-empty-room

Malengwa 21 days ago

Hi. Mr Holly.

When my husband was told his cancer was terminal, my daughter told him straight up, that he was poorly, and would die within about a year. He was 14. He just said very matter of fact, ( as I think kids are), he was still alive and lets not be sad. Wise words. Hes quite a quiet child but he talks memories about grandad rather than sadness. Which is nice. My husband died during his GCSE year but I think he has coped quite well.

I think we owe it to kids to be open, they can usually take it, we are their role models and hiding things tells them that thats what we do. Thats just my opinion however as someone who sees children being shielded by bad news who then grow up to become adults that dont manage grief well. Perhaps prepare them for what they might see ie if your mum is not mobile, on machines, oxygen etc

If they dont live with you, do they live with their other parent and can you talk to them?

In terms of your daughter, is she able to spend time with your mum now?

Wishing you well, these days/weeks/months are tough.

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How and when to tell kids about their Nan