Why does my husband go distant

Morning Lizzie. How was your night? Are you getting any sleep?

Do you have anything you like to do that takes you out for a little while? For me, it was choir, I carried on going to that right up until I couldnt leave Tony for a couple of hours any more. 

Please dont be so hard on yourself, easy to say I know, but you are not wallowing in self pity. You are trying to process the most awful events, watching your love, your soul mate disappear in front of you, and knowing you cant stop it. Dreading life without them, and scared of how much they are suffering. I remember saying towards the last few weeks as Tony was deteriorating almost daily, that it was like being hit by an express train..continually.

Please reach out for support if you havent already, it can really be a lifeline.

Livia, i know what you mean about trying to find solutions, especially the eating. I tried everything to get him to eat and especially drink, as he was dehydrated in the end, but he just didnt want to. I knew that not eating would speed up his death, but his body just couldnt manage it. I tried to get him out in a wheelchair, just to the patio, but he didnt want that either, I dont think he had the energy.  Good luck with the stair luft. X

Oh Lizzie - my heart goes out to you. The overwhelming sadness and loneliness is understandable. 

Malengwa is right - you need some support here. Do you have a local hospice - I've found them to be a huge help. In the early days, before I had a care package in place, they organised a sitter - just for four hours weekly, but it enabled me to go home for a couple of hours and do the essentials like pick up the post (and suddenly find I'd been called for jury service, which is a whole other story!) Anyway, they've continued with that system and it's reassuring to know that someone is here to be with Mum. So far the sitters have all been retired nurses and senior carers, so you feel you're in safe hands. I wondered if something like that might give you chance to go out and do something different, like Malengwa with her precious hours at the choir. It's so important to retain some sense of 'you'. 

Malengwa - I'm feeling we're reaching that point now with the eating and drinking. So far today she's managed a Fortisip and a pot of custard. The hospice nurse is coming tomorrow so I'm hoping to get some more advice then. I find it so hard not to get frustrated/upset but at the same time I can't force her to do something she doesn't want. I'm panicking now that even the stairlift is a bad idea as she'll feel 'obliged' to use it when she really wants to stay in bed. Aaaaarrrggghhh! 

It’s just so hard emotionally. I feel like he hates me most of the time and the rest he just puts up with me. The loneliness is so hard. I’m trying to get support in place, thank you for your advice and for caring. 

Hi Lizzie, Detty, Malengwa

A mini update from exhausted me. Mum is in hospital, having had a fall in the bathroom at 7am. The carers found her. I was in London for work and managed to get back for 2pm. The ambulance didn’t take her to hospital till 5pm. By this time she was utterly traumatised - at one point there were five healthcare professionals in her bedroom. She had been sick, her BP was very low and they said the observations could indicate sepsis. She’s now in an acute frailty unit but at least she’s being looked after. 

I’m starting to think this situation is beyond me and the social carers I have in place.  I feel I need to consider a nursing home, somewhere I know she’s safe and properly looked after by people with expertise. If I have to sell her house, so be it. Her needs come first.

It’s like I’m defeated at every turn - I try to sort things out and then something else happens which turns everything on its head again. Heaven knows what tomorrow will bring. Loads of phone calls for starters. 

Hope you’ve all had a marginally better day than I’ve had. 

So sorry to hear this. How awful for your Mum and for you. 
Sounds like you do need to think about what is best for your Mum’s safety and needs. It will be better for her and for you to know she is safe and getting the right care. It will give you peace of mind and the chance to be her daughter again rather than her carer. Hoping she gets on ok and they get on top of any infection.

Its not easy for you and I hope you are coping ok. 

Thanks Lizzie

She's staying in hospital for the time being and is being given fluids and antibiotics. I'll go to see her tonight and hopefully find out more then. Feeling completely wiped out but calmer since I know she's being properly looked after (I hope), following such an absolutely awful day for her. She's a dignified lady and having so much fuss will have appalled her. 

Anyway, how are things with you? Any extra support in place? I know it's hard to navigate the system ... for instance, I rang the social worker I've been dealing with to alert her to the fact that Mum had been taken to hospital. Her voicemail said she was now off until June 18th! 

And I'm sure your husband doesn't hate you - and that he's not just tolerating you. He's going through his own crisis of emotions and it's like you're both on solitary paths at the moment. Hopefully you'll rejoin each other soon.  Please try to find some way you can take a step back - even for a brief while - to recharge your batteries. I hope there are some friends and family you can call on to ease the loneliness. 

Thinking of you. 

Thank you.

I am glad that your mum is being looked after. Hopefully you can recharge a bit while she’s in hospital.

You have described us correctly, we are definitely on solitary paths at the moment. He is declining daily so I am sure he is experiencing a great deal of stress along with pain. I can’t seem to reach him so have stopped for now as it irritates him. I did have a few hours out and was able to do some ‘normal’ things. It definitely helped. 

Hoping your Mum goes on ok and I really hope you can get some well needed rest.

Hi Livia. Im sorry to hear this but also she is in the right place to be cared for so you may also get some rest, and  chance to sleep. I hope they dont let your mum out too soon, certainly make a fuss about having things in place.

Lizzie, how are you today?

Hi sending love your way x I’m so sad at the moment as well my partner is going through chemo and I’m holding it together as best I can. We don’t live together but miss us and the holding hands, the giggles, hugs etc they have all gone. He is pushing me away, that’s how I feel. He has become more stubborn and I do as much as I can and he will allow, I would do more and visit more but feel I’m in the way. Don’t know what to do. He has always been so independent anyway and more so now. I don’t want to be the pushy girlfriend but I’m struggling. He does not open up, closed even more down. I don’t talk to him about my feelings at all, I could not tell him how I feel. I struggle at the best of times as I know he struggles with girls feelings when he is in a relationship but it’s got worse. I know he loves me but he does not even message much now. It’s pushing us apart and I just want to help him but I’m treading on egg shells. 

I can’t remember the last time he said I love you or wow you look great etc