Why does my husband go distant

This happened to me when my husband was told he had terminal oesophagus cancer last year. He withdrew from me as soon as he was told. He didnt want me to hug or kiss him..even holding hands stopped unless it was for support when going to his appts..it was as if he couldn't bear me to touch him. This was so upsetting for me. I still told him I loved him & blew him kisses. I felt as if I was no longer his wife & was just his carer. He did tell me he still loved me. Unfortunately he died just 3 months after diagnosis. Right up untill the end I just kept telling him I loved him & assured him I would be with him as he was petrified he would die alone & in pain.

Hi Detty, thank you for sharing this with me. I am very sorry for your loss. 
My husband stopped kissing me. I do understand how awful it is for him and how afraid he must be. It just seems such a shame that we can’t be closer and that we could comfort one another. I show him my love in all I do and I tell him I love him. It’s the feeling that he’s already let go of us that I find hard. 
Thank you for taking time to reply to me, when you are grieving. It means a lot.

Hi Lizzie

Mine's a different situation but your comment about wanting to 'make happy memories' struck a chord with me. My Mum has terminal cancer and - after the diagnosis in January - I was desperate to organise things so that we could make the most of the time she has left. For some ridiculous reason (probably prompted by movies), I'd envisaged trips to the seaside and gatherings of friends etc. It's not turned out to be like that at all ... she's already pretty much bed-bound and has so little energy it's a struggle for her to get dressed, let alone anything else. The relationship was strained at first because she was grappling with the terrible news and feeling suicidal. Now things are quieter but I kind of feel I've lost her already. I feel for you so much. 

Thank you Livia. I had envisaged that we would do the seaside too. We made plans but he was in and out of hospital and not well enough. We have minimal visits from family, so much of the time it is so lonely. People don’t realise how hard it is unless they’ve been through it. 

Hi lizzie, yes its lonely, thats why coming here can help.

My husband died in October, we did our best to make some memories early on but he was too tired in the last few weeks and months so we basically lived in our living room, me on the settee, him on the hospital bed. He started holding my hand more in the last 2 weeks until he became too agitated to do that. 

Its so so tough, its impossible to comprehend unless youve been there. 

Hugs today for you. Keep talking, wish Id found this sooner.

I feel the same. I found some invaluable advice on this site. I only wish we had had more time to make memories as it was such a short time from my husband being diagnosed to passing away. I went from doing a job that I love for 37 years to being a full time carer then nothing. I was lucky that I got full pay for 6 months . I went back to work just as my sick note ran out in February. Not everybody would feel able to go back to work so soon & I've been told I'm very brave but for me work has been my saviour. My colleagues have been so supportive from the beginning when we wern't sure what was wrong with my husband, to some of them attending the funeral. I had numerous bouquets of flowers & messages of support right the way through the ordeal. On my 1st day back in work one of our regular readers came in with a bunch of flowers to welcome me back.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for your loss.
It’s unbearable most days. I am trying to keep strong for him but it’s just heartbreaking. 

Hi Lizzie, Yes it is heartbreaking, and frightening. Do you have hospice, friend or family support? If not, can you ask for support.

They can be an absolute lifeline for so that you dont have to be strong all the time. I did an awful lot of crying when I managed to get out whilst he slept or I just went upstairs sometimes and sobbed. 

We talked as much as he could about things we did, looking back I think it was him summing up his life. We watched tv together and talked about programmes he liked. 

Detty, i went back to work after 5 months, 3 months after he died, but it was too soon for me and Im still struggling.i have lovely colleagues, just a lot of pressure to work at the speed I used to. I hope it gets easier.

LiviaCalibri how are you today?

Hi Malengwa

Thanks so much for asking how I am - I spend a lot of time answering questions about how Mum is: you sometimes forget you're going through trauma yourself too.

Yesterday was a flat, dispiriting day ... I came back from my three days at home (courtesy of the care package) and Mum just slept all day and ate half a mousse in total. People tell me it's because she feels able to 'relax' more when I'm here so feels free to just sleep, whereas she rouses herself for the carers, but it's still depressing.

I had the stairlift engineer and they are coming to install it next Friday. Yesterday I started doubting that it would make any difference at all. I've kind of set so much store by the idea of Mum being able to go downstairs, sit near the patio doors to watch the birds, and receive visits from her friends. Now I'm not sure she wouldn't prefer remaining cocooned in bed. I'm trying to find solutions to everything - her lack of mobility, her lack of eating etc etc - and feel I'm failing at each turn. I think I'm just expecting too much - of her and myself. 

Today she's marginally better and has at least eaten some porridge. I've spent some time working in the garden because it's out of control and I'm feeling the pressure of running two separate houses. But it was nice to be outside and hear the village church bells ringing (which also made me sad! Everything's a double-edged sword these days.) 

I hope things improve for you at work - I'm sure they will. As with Detty, work is a bit of a saviour for me as it's the one area of my life where I can immerse myself in something and shut the rest of the chaos out. But I'm self-employed and have that flexibility to dip in and out of projects (including in the middle of the night) so I have a very different type of work pressure. I'm not sure I'd handle a normal office routine but I'm glad to hear - for both you and Detty - that your colleagues are supportive.

Lizzie - keep posting on here. You meet lovely people like Malengwa and Detty who have been through this journey and truly understand. You're really not alone.  

Thank you Livia. I am tired of being lonely and sad. It feels like my husband is so far away from me and not really talking etc. I do know that he is facing so many things and is medicated due to pain, but I miss him, I miss us. And it’s not going to get better. The loneliness is a heavy burden on me. The days are so long. My head hurts from the thought of what’s ahead. I need to do something to get out of this cycle - the last thing I want is to be wallowing in self pity! I’m normally a positive person, I just feel run down and weary. 
thank you to all who have given such good advice and shared their journey with me.