Am I a monster?

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My mum(58) has been suffering from stage 4 breast cancer for the last 10 years. I have been her carer for even longer than that as she already had pre-existing conditions. 

As far as practicality is concerned, I am her only child(33F) as my sister has estranged herself from us. 

My step dad(Dad) and I are her support network. Despite the fact my dad tries his best, he is very stoic and works permanent night shift so he can only do so much in terms of caring duties. 

In the last month, her oncology team have withdrawn treatment and referred her to the palliative care nurses(who, despite being friendly, aren't particularly supportive). 

Anyway, it's getting to the stage where she is quite confused and horribly frustrated with it, understandably. 

My mum is my whole world, but lately I just keep thinking to myself that it would be better for her now if it were to end. I feel like such a terrible person for thinking such a thing, but she and I watched my papa slowly fade away with dementia and I am seeing such similarities and it's breaking my heart. 

She's the strongest person I have ever known and I hate seeing her so broken by her disease. I'm sitting crying while I write this because I hate myself for even thinking this way, but I just wish she wasn't hurting and so lost in her own mind anymore. 

I feel so alone in this. And when I admit that, I feel so selfish because she's the one actually dying. Am I a monster? 

  • Gosh I can’t quite believe I came on here to discuss the same situation. Mum has grade 4 ovarian cancer, diagnosed in 2020 lockdown. The hospital have just told her no more chemo as it hasn’t been working. They have referred her to a palliative team. That was 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t heard from this new team and what’s involved. I am an only child, my step dad passed away 20 years ago. So I am her only carer. Feeling really frustrated as I don’t know what this means and I am seeing mum suffering!! She is a true warrior but seeing her frail and suffering is really hard. Sending hugs

  • Hi Pennydtop21

    Sending you a big hug as I have just read your message.

    I'm sorry to hear that your mum is suffering your best point of contact is possibly is GP if you are still waiting to hear about palliative care. 2 weeks is a long time when you are wanting for answers and to make your mum more comfortable.

    Maybe contact the mcmilan helpline they will possibly give you some of the answers you are seeking at this time.

    I hope things improve and just one day at a time helps 

  • Thank you for responding and your support

  • Absolutely not a monster My husband has kidney and bladder cancer I'm his carer and at times I find my self getting so angry with him and myself mainly because I'm frightened of the future He stupidly did something I had said I would do and fell The result he now has back pain needs more assistance than before and today I went into total meltdown screaming at him and I had to stop myself attacking him I'm tired beyond tired at times being up several times each night but I feel a monster for my outburst today Thankfully we have talked it through but it doesn't change how I feel so bad that I could explode like I did after 57 years of marriage I have thoughts of wishing to end his life and mine

  • You are living in an unbearably stressful situation - I really feel for you. You must ask for some help, you can't continue living under this level of stress, you will make yourself ill. Can you reach out to family or friends so that you can have a few days away from looking after your husband, so that you can breathe and recharge your batteries? X

  • I am watching my husband dying, little by little, day after day. It's been 9 months now, since he was diagnosed with inoperable bladder cancer. I really sympathise with you, it's all so sad. Try and look after yourself, it's important. Sending virtual hugs X

  • Hi Reaw - thinking of you and sending virtual hugs. It's so hard. Get all the help you can from family and friends to take time out for yourself. Watch comedy programmes in the evening, or do hobbies etc., anything for a bit of distraction from the tough life you are currently living. We've all just got to get through this and keep turning up for our loved ones, even when we think we can't C

  • We have no family no children sisters or brothers Sadly over the last couple of years we have lost many friends Of our closest friends one has multiple myloma and is in hospital just having had a bone marrow transplant another has Parkinson's and a third dementia We are 78 and 82 but until last year enjoyed a busy active life with lots of holidays Thankfully I'm fairly fit and practice yoga which helps I have weekly appointments for various treatments at a local beauty salon It's just this recent episode my husband decided to balance on a wobbly steps to reach something on a high garage shelf despite me asking him to wait so I could steady the steps Result he fell causing an extremely painful soft tissue injury So now he currently needs assistance with washing and dressing and getting out of bed and the chair We had recently changed his nepfrostomy drainage system and the new system is a huge improvement and we back to enjoying a decent night's sleep Thanks to his stupidity his words he has mucked up It was crazy I couldn't get the car boot open and went into meltdown He has a scan next week so I'm going to call into Maggie's at the hospital for a chatx

  • I think you are amazing! Good idea to pop into Maggie's for a chat (& hug) though X

  • No you are not a monster let’s get that clear immediately. You are human. I spent last year caring and helping my dad through 20 years (well done him) of non Hopkins, at same time my brother got a brain tumour, lost them both in last 2 years..horric. But I felt deeply sad and Relieved…I thought I was a monster. Now I have breast cancer and all I want is my family to not feel bad for any of the feelings they have, all are valid and fleeting, and totally ok. Be kind to yourself and focus on forward x