Struggling with feelings of guilt and running on empty

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Hi everyone. It's my first time here, both visiting and posting. I'm struggling today.

My (F43) partner (M42) has bowel cancer. His mental health is at an all time low, and we are struggling. Independently, and as a couple.

I am trying my level headed best to continue going to work, my daughter is about to go to uni in Sept, and currently sitting A-Levels. I'm doing the bulk of the housework, and basically feel like the glue trying to keep everything together. It's just a lot.

After four lots of immunotherapy, the plan now will be surgery. The outlook is positive, which is obviously a blessing. But it's still difficult. The side effects have been hard going at times, and he's really finding it all very much a struggle.

Everyone assumes, because the treatment is curative, that it's not so bad. Physically, he is struggling, and mentally, as I said, he is really a shell of a person. Not the man I feel in love with. And I feel horrendously guilty for having these feelings, and struggling. I feel like he deserves better, someone who can dote and wait on him hand and foot. But I'm really, really tired. I feel like I have very little left, and I get nothing at all in return.

Sorry to vent, I'm hoping at least one person can see it from my point of view, and make me feel less of an utter letdown of a partner.

CeeJay7 23 days ago

Firstly, I am sorry you feel so worn out but yes, I feel exactly the same. No wonder you are weary. You are juggling lots of balls. If you have good friends or family support, take them up on any offers. It is such an exciting time for your daughter and you will want to be a part of it. It's natural to feel the way you do. People say 'look after yourself' and it's really hard to but important. Take care.

Itwasalladream 23 days ago in reply to CeeJay7

Thanks so much for your message. It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling these things - I'm sorry for your circumstances too, it's crap. Today I felt a bit better. Then e got blue lighted to A&E this evening. Puts it all into perspective.

It really is so difficult to take care of ourselves, without feeling selfish or guilty. I'm trying to find a balance, I guess it just takes time.

Thank you again for the words of support - I honestly appreciate it. Thank you for the kindness, and I send all the same back to you

Sierraoscar 19 days ago

Hugs to you Itwasalladream X

My husband's treatment was different to yours but they are all tough. We had chemo,(folfox) radiotherapy the surgery. Stoma and reversal. Back in 2013. We married in 2009.

Somehow you do find a reserve to get you through.

Is your husband working? Can his company make reasonable adjustments to support him?

Good luck to your daughter with exams and uni.

Sometimes you just have to turn things inside out. Eg. Curses. We can't go away for a hol. Can't get insurance. So we'll get a big pool in the garden. Put a beach screen on the fence. Get a paddling pool to wet your feet. .

It's hard emotionally because we all mask feelings to try to protect those we love. Can your daughter stay with a friend to give you both personal time? To connect, shout, rant, rave and complain about the unfairness.

Try writing a blog when you have low times. I did. It doesn't matter if anyone reads it. But you can chuck the words out there.

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Struggling with feelings of guilt and running on empty