My mum(58) has been suffering from stage 4 breast cancer for the last 10 years. I have been her carer for even longer than that as she already had pre-existing conditions.
As far as practicality is concerned, I am her only child(33F) as my sister has estranged herself from us.
My step dad(Dad) and I are her support network. Despite the fact my dad tries his best, he is very stoic and works permanent night shift so he can only do so much in terms of caring duties.
In the last month, her oncology team have withdrawn treatment and referred her to the palliative care nurses(who, despite being friendly, aren't particularly supportive).
Anyway, it's getting to the stage where she is quite confused and horribly frustrated with it, understandably.
My mum is my whole world, but lately I just keep thinking to myself that it would be better for her now if it were to end. I feel like such a terrible person for thinking such a thing, but she and I watched my papa slowly fade away with dementia and I am seeing such similarities and it's breaking my heart.
She's the strongest person I have ever known and I hate seeing her so broken by her disease. I'm sitting crying while I write this because I hate myself for even thinking this way, but I just wish she wasn't hurting and so lost in her own mind anymore.
I feel so alone in this. And when I admit that, I feel so selfish because she's the one actually dying. Am I a monster?
