Am I a monster?

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties and no you are not a monster at all.

I can in some way empathise with you. 15 years ago my dad got diagnosed with lung cancer and 3 weeks before he passed he went for a scan. He actually asked for a "horse tablet". I knew exactly what he meant. He had had enough of the disease. I am totally in favour of assisted dying after supporting him through a slow and painful deterioration and then his death.

My mum seemed to be really anxious amongst other things during his illness and had to be supported to take him to hospital appointments. She had to be directed how to get there. Friends and family tried to reassure me that my mum was going through a fifgicult situation with my dad but I could see otherwise at the time. I was supporting both of them on my own. My brother lived to far away and had his own commitments and there was a big fallout between my dad and sister 10 years earlier. So I was dealing with things on my own.

After my dad had passed away a few months later in 2010 my mum was diagnosed with early onset of Alzheimers.

My sister and I then supported my mum to live independently at home with the involvement of carers, family, friends and neighbours. She had support in the community as well going to village clubs, a day centre and darts once a week.

Then the covid pandemic happened in 2019. It didn't help her situation. After staying with myself and my partner for a few months she deteriorated even more so. My siblings and I decided she required 24/7 care at this point so she was admitted to a care home. She is still there and 82 this week.

Anyway my current situation is that my partner got diagnosed with terminally lung cancer last year. He is currently receiving end of life care at home. I have chosen not to be at home with him. Family members cannot understand my decision and THINK that I have made the wrong decision not to be there with him. I feel that this is there problem and not mine. They are even saying that they thinkI need help. I understand for some people that it's outwith the norm of themselves and society in general but my decision should also be respected and as far as I'm concerned they are the ones that need help to understand my decision.

Anyway hope this helps. You are not alone in this situation

 Everyone is different and copes differently. We are only human after all.

I just want to say well done for staying strong on your decision to live separately from your partner, you’ve clearly had an incredibly difficult few years and no-one gets to judge these circumstances until they’ve walked in your shoes. Best wishes to you. 

You’re not a monster, you’re a very loving daughter and it’s ok to think these thoughts, it really is. Sending best wishes. 

I feel the same as you - my husband is my world - but I couldn't bear to visit him today. I've been caring for him for 9 months, he went into a Nursing Care home at the beginning of May and I have been visiting twice a day, every day, to feed him and help him drink enough. Today I couldn't do it. I also feel like a monster and spent most of today crying. 

My grandma is currently on end of life care after being diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer.

The last 2 weeks she’s rapidly deteriorated to the point where I’m looking after her 24/7 now and I feel so lost and scared. Knowing the women she was and the women she is now is so heartbreaking.

She’s in so much pain and and even voiced how she just wants to pass already. The last while I’ve had the exact same thought, I want her to pass so she’s not in pain but I feel so incredibly guilty and horrible for feeling that way.

Reading your post and how you’re feeling has made me realise I’m not alone in how I feel and I’m not a monster or a bad person for wanting her to find peace. I think my Grandma would find comfort in knowing I want the best for her, even if that does mean the worst. 
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience and I’m sending you all my love, you are not alone and you are not a monster 

Hi Samjo,

I totally empathise with your situation.

Feel free to cry it's a good release of emotions especially with what your having to deal with at the moment.

You are also not a monster and not alone.

I have also seen deterioration in my partners well being over the last few weeks and is something that other family members do not see as they have only popped in and out to see him. Like you I have been there 24/7. They have no understanding of how difficult life has become for me seeing the person I love in pain and slowly dying.

Hope this helps you to feel that you are not alone. Sending you some hugs

Thinking about you and all of us who are living in this unbearably sad place. 

No, you're not a monster, it's so understandable to have these thoughts when you see someone you love suffering so badly and you know it's not going to get better. Have you got any support just to talk about how you are? Take care of yourself too although I can see you may not have time or feel up to it, thinking of you and sending kind wishes.

Also feeling like a monster. My husband was diagnosed six months ago with a second cancer in his lungs following bladder cancer five years ago. He is inevitably very depressed but refuses to get any form of professional emotional support. I stood by him through his surgery and all the treatments and hospitalisations but now I can't bear to even be in the same room as him. I managed to get away for a short break and I don't want to go back. My daughters accuse me of not showing enough sympathy but I have just had it. 

I understand you and have been there too. You have had it for now - but you may  be able to find strength again in a few days. Sending you love and warm hugs - this is so hard isn't it? You have more sympathy and have given more than anyone - your daughters do not understand, but I do. I'm living this life too X