My mum started chemo this week and had her first cycle of Pola R-CHP. Luckily she's had no reactions and so far (day 3), feels completely normal.
Has anyone else had this chemo and also, is it normal to not have any reactions? Luckily, she 'felt' healthy since first being diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin lymphoma 4 years ago, but recently found the low-grade had changed to high-grade after discovering a big lump on her neck.
The reason I'm here is because we invited her to stay with us throughout her treatment so we can look after her. But she wants to stay in her own home and expects us 3 children to take turns living with her. She said the doctor said she needs a carer with her 24/7. Is that correct - even is she's not showing any symptoms now?
My husband and I have a big house with a spare bedroom, and a garden she can go out in. Her house is dark, and cluttered with dog stuff as well as my dad's stuff who passed away 7 years ago. (She left her dog with a friend for the course of her treatment). My sister has 2 kids - the younger one is 13 so still at school.
Basically, my sister and I can't do much/any work if we move in with her but my mum refuses to come and stay with me which I find unreasonable.
Of course, we love and want to take care of my mum and have tried our best since dad passed away in 2018, but she's been using that as an emotional blackmail ever since. We are not allowed to have our own opinion that differs from hers as she immediately shouts and begs for 'kindness and compassion'.
If we answer back, she says really hurtful things and told my sister she caused her cancer from giving her stress which I couldn't believe - but we try to forgive (hard to forget).
Anyway, as she is feeling 'normal' now, do you think we should give in to her demand on pausing our lives and taking turns to live with her? She has the option to stay with us as she's been retired for over 15 years but refuses to give up her home.
It's really stressful and sad that she can't see we're trying our best to help her, yet she makes us feel guilty for not doing 100% what she wants 100% of the time. Before she used dad not being here as an excuse/reason, and now she's using her illness to get whatever she wants.
Sorry for the long post, but it's really stressing us out. Oh, we have a brother who's only one year younger than me but my mum doesn't expect (hardly) anything from him.
Thank you for any advice and have a lovely day!
Hello Sunseeker
I’m Steph and I’m part of the Online Community Team here at Macmillan. May I wish you another warm welcome to the Community, although I’m sorry that circumstances bring you here.
I was so sorry to read about everything you’re going through with your mum. I hope you will find it helpful to be able to share in the Community and get support from people who understand. Whilst you are waiting for a response from other members, I'm here to offer some additional support.
Do you think your mum might be feeling really scared about how she will cope through cancer treatment and how this might affect where she lives? However scared she is feeling, it is not acceptable for your mum to blame your sister for her cancer, or make unreasonable or unfair demands of anyone.
It's really difficult to know what your mum's GP might have advised, but it is important that your needs are considered too. Macmillan has lots of information here to help support you when your loved one has cancer. Although we don't advise on your specific circumstances, your wellbeing as a carer is really important.
We have a section on domestic abuse and cancer, where we explain that blame and controlling behaviour can be a form of domestic abuse, between any family members. Have a read through if you feel comfortable and do reach out for additional support when you need it.
If you’d like to talk anything through or need further support I’d really encourage you to get in touch with our Support Line. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
I hope you find the support you’re looking for. Please do let us know if you have any questions or need further support with anything at all. I hope the Community helps to show you that you don’t have to go through this alone.
