Mental health support

You really do have to give yourself a break and trust the sitter to ensure your mum will be safe while you go home. I have been caring for my husband for over three years and for nearly a year since finally getting a diagnosis. I have, today, contacted my GP to ask for help…I am exhausted physically and emotionally. Please take care of yourself and don’t become so stressed and tired that you can’t see the wood for the trees. Ask for as much help as you can and get carers in to help with your mum. We aren’t eligible for social services support so I pay for carers to come in the mornings to help wash and dress my husband. They come in at lunch time to do personal care also. The care agency will provide a career to come and sit with him for a couple of hours. He doesn’t want that but maybe your mum would be willing to meet and make new friends…so to speak. Above all, take a break and make space and time just to be you. I’m learning the importance of doing this at a great cost, emotionally and mental health wise….GP has prescribed me  antidepressants ! 

Hi Teatowel

Well, we both had mini breakthroughs yesterday … I went home! I was only able to be there for just half an hour … it’s an hour’s drive away from here. Just the drive listening to a podcast in the car did me good. I picked up the post, watered my dying plants, packed some different clothes and printed off some items I need for work. Such small routine things but they’d been causing me anxiety and ticking them off my list felt like a personal achievement.  The sitter was fine - Mum slept throughout - and I won’t have as many qualms about doing it again. 

I’m so glad your GP was helpful - and I do hope the antidepressants give you some kind of a lift. In comparison with what you’ve been dealing with for three years, my ‘journey’ as a carer has been incredibly short (since just after Christmas) so I can’t even begin to imagine your levels of exhaustion. It’s so easy to lose sight of yourself. 

I’m waiting for a Social Services assessment for Mum - the GP and hospice nurse advised me to approach them first before seeking private agencies but it’s a long drawn-out process. I’d diary noted to chase them again today, because they told me they’d be in touch a week ago. I’m not a nagger but …

And my other job is to approach stairlift companies - if Mum gets up these days (it’s becoming rarer), she feels nausea getting up and down the stairs. 

I told the hospice nurse about Mum’s depression and she’s suggested steroids! Mum has probably taken more tablets in the last few weeks than she’s had her entire life.

I’m taking one day at a time …

Steroids can improve appetite and energy, I wish someone had suggested it for Tony but it was me that raised it after reading about it on here. Sadly they didnt help him as I think it was already too late.  Might be worth considering.

Im glad you got home, maybe next time you can have a bit longer there and it will help you step back a bit.

Would you mum be at the stage of a hospital bed downstairs? We had to do that quite suddenly as Tony didnt want to be tucked away in the bedroom while i pottered downstairs and struggled carrying things up and down.  It was a tough decision as I knew it maked the beginning of the end, but it was the right one. We basically lived his last 7 weeks in our living room 

Do nag te the assessment, its bloomin hard work having to be chasing others all the time

Hugs all round x

Thanks Malengwa... you're helping to keep me sane! 

That explains a bit more re steroids for me - the prescription has gone through so I'll be able to pick them up in a few days. We'll see what happens.

Mum really doesn't want a hospital bed downstairs (the house is very small and not appropriate) but I've contacted a firm that does rental stair lifts so fingers crossed. The last time she walked up the stairs, she felt very sick from the exertion and it's put her off getting out of bed. Every minor setback seems to mean she's less inclined to try things. 

Meanwhile, my nagging approach might have delivered the goods. I've got a social worker coming on Friday to discuss Mum's care needs. I'll report back on that process if any other readers might find it helpful. 

Thanks again x

keep it up hope everything would be fine

Hi, this is so familiar to me. I’ve been on this carer journey for 18 months. In that time, my husband has drank heavily, been verbally abusive and often tells me he just wants to die. It’s hard to hear, hard to process and at times I want to scream at him to not be so selfish. It’s hard for him, he is terminally ill but it is hard for me. I’m exhausted, sad, worried, frightened and facing a future alone. 
I have started having therapy with a MacMillan Psychiatrist. If you have this available in your area, I highly recommend it. It helps to talk.

i have the same issues about leaving him with someone else so I can have a break- I feel torn in two when I do. 
I’m so sorry that you are going through this with your Mum. Please do get help for yourself, you are important too. 

Hi Lizzie

Thanks for the tip about the Macmillan psychiatrist - I hadn't even considered that. I'll look it up this weekend.

18 months? I'm struggling after two months so you have my sympathy and admiration. I know what you mean about feeling selfish if you focus, even fleetingly, on your own emotions when someone you love is terminally ill - it feels too indulgent somehow. Mum still veers between depression and sleeping: she has now been prescribed steroids so I'm hoping that, if they help her appetite, she'll have a bit more strength. 

A social worker has been today to do a care needs assessment for Mum - she was lovely and reassuring. But I've just tried to start filling in the financial assessment forms online and the links don't work properly ... why is nothing ever EASY?!? Sigh! 

Thank you for your reply. It is so frustrating when links don’t work. They devise all these things to help us, but often they cause additional stress. 
Although we understand that the cancer can change our loved one, it is a huge adjustment for us to make. It comes when we are already overwhelmed and trying to process everything. My husband has a MacMillan Psychiatrist as well, done over teams. Thats his place to talk through his fears, worries etc. It made a difference to our relationship, as he stopped telling me everything (I don’t need to hear some of his fears). Depression is common for cancer patients but it is hard to be around, which is why it’s so important to look after YOU. 
Be kind and compassionate to yourself…even the smallest thing can make a massive difference. 

Liviacalibri. If steroids help, they kick in quite quickly so you may be already noticing a difference.

I hope you get on top of the form filling and it actually helps you.

X

Hi Malengwa

Thanks for checking in with me. I actually think I am noticing a difference. She only started taking them yesterday (two a day for one week, then one a day for the second week) but she seems a little brighter this morning, even if she still doesn't want to get out of bed (something I guess I'm just going to have to accept). She's taken more of an interest in what she's wearing in bed and getting her hair washed. Still seems so crazy that I'm saying such things about my fiercely independent, oh-so-active social butterfly Mum. I'm grateful that she loves her iPad for reading/catching up with the news/watching TV.

And I'm preparing to go into battle next week with the form filling. I have my ammo emails at the ready.