My wife was diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma ten years ago. She has had some amazing treatment to keep her disease at bay and those victories have been so good. We started with a twelve month diagnosis so we are way past miracles.
However I feel held back and unable to envision a future. I feel unable to complain about any illness, because, well I can’t compete. I feel my life is now defined as a carer. I feel my life and hopes and dreams have been destroyed.
I crave a normal relationship where I don’t get home from work to a wife overly tired and asleep on the sofa because she had a friend round for an hour and has been exhausted. I’d love a date where we can go out and drink a bottle of wine together, not worry where the toilets are in case her food causes her to be violently sick with no warning. I miss the physicality of a relationship.
I know what the end will bring, yet it tears me apart not knowing when that will happen. I don’t know how I will tell our children. I don’t understand how my wife does Christmas for goodness sake.
Her latest results as always showed small progression of the illness, even reduction in some places. It is great news. But part of me is disappointed knowing that this life of uncertainty is going to continue. I feel so bad thinking that. I don’t want her to die but I don’t want this awful life to continue.
It will take serious medical advances for her to get back to close to a healthy body. The slightest illness can have dire consequences regardless of the reduction of the main disease. We have to be constantly on our guard.
I know this comes across as selfish. Just sometimes I wish for a new life where this burden wasn’t on us. Wasn’t weighing me down with worry and guilt.
