Feeling the strain

Hi Drf 

When my wife was first diagnosed with Leiomyosaroma I felt lost, not least because she never wanted a prognosis. I came to discover though how right she was as like you we are over 10 years on this journey. With the six collapsed lungs she had though chemotherapy it did seem like any kind of normal life was never going to be possible.

I managed to get on a living with less stress course that really helped me. Partially it was with the mindfulness coming to realise that nobody really knows what tomorrow might bring. An accident at the local power station that ended with 6 people losing their life was a stark reminder of this.

Sometimes though I think if as carers we are to retain our sanity we need to be a little bit on the selfish side.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I feel the same, more and more. Year 5 will be on cancer day, 4th of February when we found out about my husbands stage 4 cancer. This week we found out its progressing rapidly now and I can see that myself. While I want him to see kids grow up and have him by my side forever, selfishly I am at the point that I want all of this to end...so I can live without constant anxiety. Worst part is everyone saying - you are strong.. I am tired pretending to be strong, but feel that I am not allowed to Yet break down either.

Big hugs!

I have those thoughts myself at times. Wanting it all to end, yet not wanting what that means. 
I feel for you, stay strong 

I’m so grateful for this thread. My husband has been living with incurable prcc for 3 years and recently it has progressed after 3years of stabilising systemic chemo. I am devastated now realising how this will progress and terrified for the future. 
I’ve been also feeling those awful feelings of wanting the uncertainty to end and all your honesty has been so helpful to know I’m not a terrible person.

i have been working with mindfulness and being in the moment and have found this to be both comforting and stabilising. Allowing me to carry on even when I feel I can’t. The story of our relationship feels incredibly tragic. I’ve found an environment where I can talk and grieve, cry often and not feel judged. I believe it’s absolutely essential we are able to look after ourselves even before our partners. This allows us to show up as we would like to for them. Sacrificing your own needs doesn’t help although I totally recognise that feeling that their diagnosis trumps anything you are suffering. It’s isn’t selfish to care for yourself. 
Sending love 

It is indeed extremely hard to go through this, but you are absolutely right here. We must look after ourselves, only when we do that, we can take care of our loved ones. I recently had mental health training completed and one of the main points was - look after yourselves to keep going and having strength. My husband is in the hospital and as awful as it might be, I felt rested. It is quiet at home, no anger, just routine with children. I want him back, but at the same time dread it as then it all shifts back to be all around him and his emotions and energy. I then feel drained . Such a confusing feeling where you love someone so dearly, but also struggle with them at the same time.

• Thank you so much for sharing this. I really feel for you and I hope you are able to get some rest during his time away from home. I feel like there is mourning that goes on during the illness. I don’t know if I’m dwelling too much on the loss ahead. 
  sending love