What can you do or say when your terminally ill loved one becomes nasty?

I have recently discovered that my sarcoma upgraded to stage 4 and I am feel worried that my partner is angry and frustrated, and he thinks I don't appreciate his feelings and him. He said he doesn't need a therapy, that he rebuilt boundaries and contact with his family again, the family who had hurt and had been hurting him for some time. 

Yesterday, he snapped at me with tears in his eyes and his anger, definitely it was on some level trauma response and I don't know what to think or to do, particularly I know, personally, from where his anger coming for.

I am furious too, after 3 years of hidden recurring, while believed I was in remission, my cancer was there growing to stage 4 and now it's everywhere. 

But, in my head I believed as well my partner can control himself better. We've got our ups and downs, we both originating from dysfunctional families. 

Do we expect too much from partners? Asking them to control every thought, every feeling, but deep down forgetting that it all works better with simply setting boundaries and talking about this emotions and feelings, saving relationships.

Now women shouldn't be men therapists, but how talk with your partner without sharing all parts of you, especially during stage 4 chemo red devil and side effects without snapping (for example)???

Emotions are high during stage 4 for both partners, but sometimes I am worried that there will be more negative emotions than support. 

What does anyone do in this kind of situation? 

Thankyou for sharing this with us . My hubby was diagnosed two years ago with Neuroendocrine. It has spread to his liver . He also has skin cancer so a double whammy two cancers not connected. In feb he was given a terminal diagnosis of 8 months . We will be married 30 years in July . The last 10 months he has really changed so angry towards me picking holes in everything I do . Putting me down . I work and care for him . The man I married has disappeared and it’s heartbreaking . I know he is ill and I just walk away when like this . It’s just so hard and draining every day . I do still get a glimpse of my hubby before cancer . It is good to read I’m not alone . I do have a daughter living at home with us . So we are able to support each other but still hard 

I have written something recently about my husband. Stage 4 lung with mets. The nastiness & snapping, I dread asking how he feels or if hes taken meds. I know hes terrified. But I could pack a bag & run away, I wont, but want to. My eyes are sore with crying & lack of sleep & my body just wants to collapse as I feel worn out treading on egg shells & worrying about him & the cancer.

I really feel for you xx

I really feel for you and unfortunately I am in your shoes . Yes the nasty ways are unbearable . I wish I could walk away I won’t but sometimes I have to go out to escape . It’s a miserable existence.i know my hubby going through it . But nothing prepares you in life for this experience 

sending u a big hug 

I know its awful for anyone to be diagnosed. He sometimes cries with fear & u can see the sheer terror in his eyes. Hes been told not curable but treatable. But he just wants hos old life back, do the things he had planned. Hes still early days compared to some, March 2025 diagnosed. But I think the way he was told hasnt helped. He just thought routine chest x ray, called back to discuss no mention of bringing someone. And told " you have 5cm lung cancer spread to 2 parts in lower back/spine & 6mm to brain". Told he was being refered to The Royal Marsden. Sent outside room to a nurse who gave him leaflets.

He shakes with fear going treatment. So I understand why hes snappy/angry, but all I want to do is help, which makes him worse. He said 2 days ago hes fed up feeling tired, nauseas & wishes he could eat & misses cooking & its not living now.

I have onocologist calling Tuesday to have chat with him ( he doesnt know I've arranged it, but I'm worried about him mentally) so she spoke to me & said not to worry, she wont mention me, very understanding.

I think if the nausea & fatigue would just give him a break it would give him hope, but at the minute he as no interest & watchs tv all day/nite. The mad thing with all this he as no lung cancer symptoms, no cough, no chest pain, just side effects from treatment & a lower back pain that comes & goes.

Its awful to see a man I've known 30 yrs change in a heartbeat. Used to av music playing, always cooking, cracking jokes & loving holidays, to just sit with tv on day in/day out hoping if he wakes up, he feels normal.

Theres just no happiness in our lives now....xx

I really feel for you. It’s so hard as there is no way you can change things . It’s like being on rollercoaster and not able to get off . This illness is so cruel and how it also affects loved ones around them. Unfortunately I have lost people to cancer but when you have to live with someone and care for someone going through it is exhausting mentally and physically.  Yes my hubby c mainly sits indoors as been too ill to go out . We have just got a wheelchair so that we can take him out more . He doesn’t eat much now . So sad as was so sporty before and active .its the hardest thing to get through daily . It’s the change in personality that is hard to take . 

thinking of you x

So sorry. Thoughts with you too xx

Xxx