What can you do or say when your terminally ill loved one becomes nasty?

Hello. I could’ve written your post myself... In fact I think I may well have posted something very similar when I first found this forum. Like you, married for 40 years (some of those were difficult) when he received the diagnosis/prognosis of inoperable/terminal bowel cancer with mets to lungs and lymph in May ‘23. He was given 6 - 10 months, but died on the 17th June this year. 

Everything you say and are experiencing resonates so much with me. I can’t tell you with hand on heart that it got better; it didn’t. But now that it’s over, I strangely find it very hard to dwell on the horrid times and cruel words. I am seeing a psychologist attached to the Palliative Care team. It is doing me the world of good. They had offered me help whilst he was alive, but it was impossible to leave him alone, much less have the time or opportunity to go and talk to someone. The best advice I had was from one of our team of nurses who told me that, if nothing else, I should write down the anger, hurt, bitterness and resentment I was feeling; rather than bottling it all up inside. She said it didn’t matter if I kept, re-read or burnt what I wrote, but that I needed to get the poison out rather than it festering and destroying me. She was so right.

Please message me if you think you would like to talk more. All best wishes to you.

Hi, I have experienced this. It was only when I took counselling from our supporting Hospice I was made aware of the danger I was in. You are being abused. My wife literally tried to destroy me. Isolate, gas light, cause suffering. I think its about them losing power and control so they exert it over you and lash out with their frustration at their illness. I couldn't reconcile how the person I loved so much would want to put me in prison and have our child taken into care. Yes it did get that bad. 

Please please please get yourself some support, don't let yourself become isolated.

My poor son now has to accept his Dad might not be here much longer. I intend to show him that it can end with love.

Yours

Andy

Hi Andy, you are so very kind and brave. My husband passed on the 4th August and I am really struggling with the intensity of the grief. The funeral we created was beautiful, and is giving me some comfort. I am also trying to show my adult children that love is the way forward. Kind regards.

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your husband in June and that it didn't get any better towards the end for you.

It sounds as if the visits to the psychologist are helping you and is something that I will look into - so many, many thanks for reaching out to me and for your kind words

Hi Andy

Many thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts with me and so very sorry to hear how bad it got with your wife.

I think that you're right in that the 'obuse' that any of us are unlucky to be at the end of, does come from their own fear and am holding onto that. 

Your son must be very proud of you for how strong you are and in your determination to show him nothing but love and hope that you will be around for longer than you think to shake off the bad memories and replace them with better ones.

This is a heart breaking read and I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering. I am currently caring for my mother who has lung cancer. I have noticed some quite unpleasant behaviour from her recently which is uncharacteristic. I hope you don’t mind me asking but does your husband almost seem like a different person when he is behaving this way towards you? The reason I ask is that when my godfather was dying from melanoma, the cancer had spread to his brain. He became very nasty to be around, but he did not seem like himself. But, at this point, he did not know he had cancer. I am no expert on psychology, or brain metastasis, but I do know that brain metastases do not always show on scans at first, and I do know they can affect people’s behaviour. Obviously I am not placed to say if this could in any way be the case, either with your husband, or my mother, but, if it helps to think there could be an element of it completely outside of their control, maybe we can forgive them a little more easily for the pain they inflict on us?

Anyway it’s just some thoughts. I hope you are surrounded by love and support x

Hello there, I thought I was the only one that would be going through this very same thing. 
My partner had his diagnosis in November so it’s very new to us. I thought because we didn’t know how much time we had together that we would make as many new & lovely memories as we could but instead he just wants to argue & say cruel things to me. I can’t even imagine how bad it is for him but i am actually worried for my mental health.

I will talk to the cancer team & see f I can get some help. I don’t want to give up on him but it really is so very hard trying to come to terms with it all. 
Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending love ️ 

Hi there, thanks for your thoughts, my partner has lung cancer which has also lead to brain tumours. Yes indeed the tumours on his brain could well be something to do with it & I totally appreciate this but he is only horrible to me. I can hear him on the phone talking to his friends & family & he is laughing & jolly. I do sometimes look at him & think who is this person in the room with me but I think it’s just a scared, angry, sad version of my man & I guess rightly so
After reading everyone’s experiences on here & knowing it’s ‘normal’ I will hear with it & try & just hope for a minute that an overload of kindness will break the cycle. Ever hopeful

I have an amazing support network in family & friends so I hopefully won’t be going crazy any time soon.

Thanks for your time ️