Hello everyone,
I was hesitant to post on here after reading through a lot of people’s situations on here and counting myself extremely lucky, but I would like to see if there’s anybody who’s been in my position.
My girlfriend was diagnosed with AML last august. They were very concerned and started treatment immediately, and due to her extremely high blast count and genetic variation she qualified for a stem cell right away when induction chemo and some follow up was done to stabilise the cancer. Sure enough, 3 rounds of chemo later she had a Haplo transplant from her mum. She had only one full match, who was a man in Brazil so they concluded with the new advancements with haploidentical transplants and her mum’s good health it would be a better option. She battled countless infections and also did a stint in the ICU with sepsis/ pneumonia. I decided that as we live together and I was close enough to visit her daily, I should isolate covid style to reduce the risk of potentially making her sick. Ironically opting to do this to reduce my anxiety has left me extremely anxious and depressed. However, it all felt worth it as besides the unavoidable infections you pick up in hospital, she powered on pretty unscathed. She is incredibly strong and mentally resilient, I’m still in complete awe at her determination throughout this whole process.
we are now 5 months post SCT. She’s battled mild GVHD and the standard side effects of the transplant, but all in all she is doing amazingly. All of her latest biopsy’s are cancer free. She’s productive, organised and driven to get back to work. She’s starting to exercise more and is walking good distances daily. She’s also helping with all of the chores - basically she’s doing amazingly. I however am completely burnt out, very depressed and anxious and feel like after helping look after her for so long, I’m now dragging her down. Despite the fact we’re starting to get our lives back, I’m ashamed at myself for having constant passive suicidal ideation, and am struggling to look after myself. I’m forcing myself to do some exercise and occasionally see some friends, but generally I don’t want to do a huge amount. Both of our families live at the other end of the country and regular visits are too expensive and I have no annual leave left (my work has also been amazing throughout this btw).
All in all - I cannot seem to shake feeling either very low or very flat, despite how lucky I am to still have my best friend and the love of my life. It’s making me dislike myself for feeling this way
Hi Backlavala
Sorry to hear about what you both have been going through, burnout is very real and I know how being a carer can be quite overwhelming. I did a living with less stress course that really helped me but I also find the information on your feelings when someone has cancer quite helpful in acknowledging my emotions are reasonable and that can then help me feel less overwhelmed.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hello Backlavala
I’m Steph and I’m part of the Community Team here at Macmillan. May I wish you another warm welcome to the Online Community, although I was so sorry to read about everything you have gone through and are going through following your girlfriend’s AML diagnosis.
I hope you don’t mind me popping on here to offer you some additional support this evening. We were concerned about you and wanted to make sure that you’re safe and have the support you need.
Supporting someone with cancer can have a major impact on your life and we hear many people say that it can sometimes feel as hard on you as the supporting person. We also hear lots of people talk about it feeling really hard even after good results from treatment. We understand that the emotional effects of cancer can continue, especially with the pressure of feeling like you should be getting your life back together.
It sounds like you have been as strong as you can be for your girlfriend and that you have had to make some difficult decisions which haven’t been easy for you to live through. It’s important that you acknowledge to yourself that you have been through a traumatic time and that it’s ok to seek some support with the way that you’re feeling now.
The Community is here to support you through this, so please do keep posting in the forums. I hope it will bring you some comfort to know that you’re not alone and that there is lots of support available for you.
As you have mentioned constant passive suicidal ideation and struggling to look after yourself, I wanted to make sure you have the right professional support in place too.
Please do not hesitate to call 999 if you are ever concerned that you might cause yourself any harm. There is some more information from the NHS here called ‘Help for suicidal thoughts’. In addition, your GP has a duty of care for both your physical and emotional well-being and they will want to help you access the support you need just now.
If you’d like to talk anything through with someone at Macmillan, I’d encourage you to contact the Support Line for emotional, practical and financial support. Even if you just want to chat with someone who is there to listen, I’d really encourage you to give us a call. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
I hope you find the support you’re looking for. Please do let us know by email to community@macmillan.org.uk if you have any questions or need further support with anything at all. I hope the Community helps to show you that you don’t have to go through this alone.
