My husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer 4 weeks ago and I’m ashamed to say that I’m struggling to cope. It’s our 44th wedding anniversary on Friday and I know I should be grateful for the long time we’ve had together and the fact we still love each other very much. However, I just can’t stay positive and have descended into feeling very sad and sorry for myself. For the last five years we’ve been through an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, mainly caused by health issues plus a very stressful house move 3 months ago. I really don’t know how much more I can take, especially as the lows seem to be getting lower and lower, while the highs are getting less and less frequent.
In 2020, my husband was deemed to be ‘extremely vulnerable’ during the pandemic, due to taking medication that knocks out his immune system, to treat his psoriatic arthritis (which is an autoimmune disease). This forced us to isolate for more than 2 years and I lived in fear of losing him throughout that time. Since then, his pain has increased enormously but he’s always been so stoic and uncomplaining so we soldiered on together as best we could. We’d just got through the pandemic and hoped to start living life more fully, when I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous cell changes and had to have a hysterectomy. Shortly afterwards, in 2024, blood tests revealed I may have myeloma. Fortunately, further tests and scans diagnosed MGUS, which is not cancer but increases the risk of developing myeloma. Throughout this time, my husband was amazingly positive and supportive.
We’d just started to feel things were on the up when my husband started feeling increasingly unwell and losing weight for no apparent reason (4 stone in about 5 months). He had a hoarse voice and persistent cough, plus severe acid reflux and permanent exhaustion. Medics put his symptoms down to a combination of other conditions he’s had for over 12 years now, but I knew there was something else wrong. The GP finally ordered a chest X-ray and we were told there was a mass on the right lung, and our GP told us to prepare for the worst! However, further tests and scans showed it was benign, with little explanation. Then, after more months of me fighting to get our GP to investigate further, as I was certain there was something seriously wrong, he was sent to see an ENT consultant who looked down his thorax and did a CT scan which they said showed no cancer but diagnosed a large gallstone.
Five months later, when my husband finally got to see the surgeon about the gallstone, he was told his symptoms were unlikely to be caused by the gallstone at all! The surgeon arranged an endoscopy of the Oesophagus and biopsies revealed he has oesophageal cancer. When he finally got the diagnosis, it was almost a relief. I feel like we’ve been on a rollercoaster of, ‘it’s cancer…. Not cancer…. Cancer… not cancer…cancer…not cancer,’ and now, finally, it’s definitely cancer.
My husband is due to start chemotherapy on 17th July but is currently having to take some awful medication to ‘washout’ other medication he had previously been prescribed for psoriatic arthritis which are contraindicated during chemotherapy. Having to stop all his arthritis meds means he is already in immense pain and the washout meds are making him feel sick all the time. I can’t tempt him to eat much at all and I hate seeing him look so ill and in so much pain. It feels like this is only the very beginning and things are only going to get worse for my lovely husband. I do my best to be positive but often break down in tears and am not coping very well at all. He supported me so positively and I feel dreadful that I can’t do the same for him. I’ve always been a very emotional person, and get easily frustrated by stupid things, (eg the boiler breaking down and the engineer failing to turn up, then saying he’d fixed it, but it went wrong the next day)! My husband has always been so calm and listens to my rants very patiently. I just can’t seem to cope with all the silly things than are going wrong at the moment and I hate myself for moaning to my husband about them. I so want to be the strong, positive, supportive person he needs.
To make matters worse, I have unintentionally upset our 3 adult children and caused a rift which is breaking my heart. We’ve always been close to our children (aged mid-late 30s) even though they live between half hour to 3 hours drive away. When we told them about their dad’s diagnosis, they were all very supportive and told us to let them know if there was anything they could do to help. I was touched by their responses. Therefore, last week when I was struggling to cope, I sent them a message on our family WhatsApp group, explaining I was struggling to stay positive and whereas in the past their dad had always been prepared to listen to my rants I really didn’t want to be doing this in front of him when he’s so unwell and needs all the positivity he can get. Neither did I want to be sounding off verbally to any of them, as I know they each have their own difficulties at the moment. Therefore, I asked if any of them would be prepared to join a ‘Mums safety valve’ whatsapp group where I could write down the trivial life events that were getting me down, rather than make our family group a negative space. I explained I didn’t expect anyone to do anything or solve any issues, I just wanted a place to get things off my chest and they could just skim read and send a one line message to tell me they could understand my frustration but try not to let it get me down etc. Unfortunately, they all replied saying they didn’t feel able to do this for me and didn’t feel they could provide the emotional support I wanted given they have their own problems to deal with and are struggling to cope with their dad’s diagnosis themselves. I understand this, which is why I thought it might be easier for them for me just to write things down rather than me ring and speak to any of them, but I obviously made a grave error.
I know they find it difficult to be around their dad when he is obviously unwell - it happened a few years ago too when he was in hospital with a collapsed lung and they all stayed away. I thought it might be different this time but it has all escalated out of control and now we are barely speaking. I’m devastated and feel so alone. Life feels so unfair and this fracas is the last straw… they can all chose to stay away and pretend their dad is fine but I can’t! I’m sorry for the incredible pity party I’m having here. I just don’t know where else to turn and don’t know how much more of this rollercoaster I can take.
