Selfishness of cancer

Dear AmandadePanda

I'm so sorry to hear everything you are going through with your mum's illness. You are being an amazing support to both your Mum and Dad during this very difficult time. 

My mum has recently been diagnosed with T4N2M0 Oesophageal cancer and I am her main carer and only nearby family member. She lives alone and I visit daily to support her but she can be very selfish too and even though I am still working full time along with looking after my young family I never get a please or a thank you either.

It's tough but it's her and I know she carers in her own way and I love her and cherish our time together as one day whether through this illness or not she will be gone.

We had a tough 2020 for a variety of different factors and even though she behaves in a way I don't condone I can't change who she is and don't have to agree with it either so I focus my energy on being the best support I can be and ranting to my husband or opening up on forums. It may not be right but it keeps the peace and I know I'm doing my best. 

Its so hard when we see the whole of our parents and the outside only see one side but they are going through something incredibly traumatic and are just scared so if you can allow them to go through these feelings in their own way and just be the amazing support you are because I guarantee you they appreciate everything you do even if they can't express it just yet. 

Always keep talking. 

I can relate to what you say so much! My partner has stage 4 too, and he has become stubborn, selfish and lazy.  I am treated like his servant and I have become petty and sarcastic.  I am not proud of myself and I need to come on here much more regularly to rant!  I will spend all afternoon shopping and cooking to make something for his dinner that he loves and he just shrugs and says it's ok.  I don't need a medal but just a little bit of appreciation now and again would make me feel so much better.  But of course it's not about me, it's about him.  Everyone says to him You look well and I want to scream!  I have to button my lip all the time otherwise I am going to sound like a crazy woman.  I think that I may be becoming exactly that...

I really wish that there was somewhere we could all meet up, although maybe once the floodgates opened in person they would not be closed again :) 

Keep ranting, keep your head up.  You are doing better than you think (that has been said to me on here before and has helped me).

Hugs xxx

Thank you for replying.  That means so much to hear someone feels the same xxx

Same - sending you love. I am so lonely caring for my husband. Nothing  I do seems good enough for him, he is so quick to criticise whilst my life is on hold & I am paying for everything. I feel such a bitch complaining xx

I feel exactly the same. Husband has stage 4 head and neck cancer. His prognosis is good but the treatment has been brutal for him. He’s obviously been in a lot of pain and unwell but has been extremely difficult to live with. I am unable to do or say anything right. I feel very lonely and have cried a river.
I’m a strong person who people normally lean on so these feelings are strange for me.

I’ve had a bad couple of days since my husband bought me a sweatshirt, half price in a sale, which is very nice but he presented it to me and thanked me for everything I’d done. I feel so unappreciative as although I have never expected thanks I felt that if that was a reflective indicator of what I’ve done for him and holding everything together I may as well not have been here.

I think that it’s the guilt of us not having the cancer ourselves. Putting our own lives on hold as anything in our lives is so insignificant compared to what they are going through. Wanting to to be valued but not expecting recognition. At the same time needing some understanding or sympathy of what we are experiencing feels selfish. I don’t know what the answer is apart from eating more chocolate…..

love and hugs, xxx

This really struck a cord with me. My husband is in remission from bowel cancer from last year. At times I feel the emotional. Impact has been greater on me. I've spent so much time trying to protect his feelings, and supporting him. I now feel very insecure, I'm constantly looking for glimpses of happiness, a bit of appreciation and love. I feel invisible at times.  He's tired, grumpy and I feel I get the worst of everythjng. I do think he loves me but the impact has been so difficult and he fails to tell me Of course I cannot imagine how it makes him. Feel but I wish the one person who has stood by him more than anyone, ie me, was more visable to him for all the good things. 

I’m glad it’s not just me. I feel so selfish thinking about myself but I think that in itself is so erosive. I definitely feel I’m a shadow  of my former self…. Shame that the chocolate doesn’t allow for the physical  manifestation 

I can’t imagine what he’s feeling if I feel like this. I do though worry that in the future that it will be used as a bench mark…. ‘Oh you’ve got migraine.. but at least you don’t have cancer’…. Very true and hopefully not, but a little sympathy would be nice.
Now I’m feeling mean….

maybe it’s just compassion fatigue, I don’t know.

love and hugs, we are in this together for better or worse️‍

Your words really resonate with me, my husband has stage 4 prostate, he's responding well to hormone treatment but his moods and emotions are so hard to live with. He's cheery and positive with everyone else, nobody but me sees the reality. I don't get any thanks for anything I do, plus we have no sex life due to the meds, and there's not much affection really. I feel so lonely. I can't tell people how things are, so I live this perpetual lie pretending everything is fine. This is SO hard for carers, but I don't think those we care for realise we suffer too. I know I sound like a selfish bitch, I don't mean to be and I do everything I can for him, but he's so different from the man I married and I miss what we had. 

It really helps just to know we're not alone.  I had an awful day yesterday and just felt so alone.  Dealing with mum is one thing, but walking on eggshells to please my Dad is another.  He just takes all his anger and fear out on us.  We do nothing right as far as he's concerned.

I sympathise enormously and completely get it. I’m also having to deal with my parents. I’m an only child so it’s down to me. Dad has dementia and mum has a number of serious issues. They live 3 hours away so it’s up to me to go there. Desperately trying to get help of various sorts in but it’s trying to push water up hill as they think that they can cope. They can’t. It’s so frustrating and cause serious tension.

I feel overwhelmed with husband, parents, children, trying to keep a business going and keeping normal every day stuff going atm, I can really get how you are feeling. 

I think that I will be adding Gin to the chocolate consumption tonight……

love and hugs, we will get there….. xxxx