Heartbroken

I’m so sorry to hear  about the situation with your mum and I hope you feel a little lighter now you have written your feelings down. My husband passed away in April and I know how heartbroken you must be. My husband was ill for 12 months before he died 8 months before he had a failed surgery & they found it had spread & was told it was terminal. Although I knew he hadn’t got long I was still shocked at how quickly he deteriorated and I still sometimes can’t believe he’s no longer here 5 months on. I just muddled through in a daze while on autopilot. I think of all the things I wish I’d done or said.

Take care sending a virtual hug to you x

Im so sorry about your husband.. isnt it a horrible thing, so many people affected by it. It terrifies me every day what she will have to go through and how we will have to stand by and watch. I feel so helpless so out of control, so physically unable to manage in the days. My eldest boy is picking up now hes only 2 almost 3 but he keeps asking me is nanny ok and its breaking my heart. He knows something isnt right as they play together all day and she cares for him so amazing. She struggling with pain but still tries to hold him and kiss him. 
the more i think about everything we will lose the more my heart breaks.

i hope you find some sort of peace as hard as that may feel right now and sending you a virtual hug right back xx

Hello

I read your post and joined this forum as resonated with so many things you said. I’m a 34 year old new mum to my 14 month old baby girl. My mum has inoperable ovarian cancer that’s spread to other parts of her abdomen and now her liver. Recent results showed she wasn’t responsive to the maintenance drugs and she has started chemo again last week (weekly for 18 weeks) to try and extend her life and for symptom management. 
My beautiful mum lives with me and my Daughter. She has been very hands on and helped me bring my Daughter up, including caring for her at times I worked and finished my degree. 
I’m due to start a new job on 17/10 but am thinking of quitting it all together given my mums recent news and I worry how she’ll be able to care for my Daughter being Sick herself. 
My Mum remains positive, hopeful and a fighter who thinks positively about her chemotherapy. I struggle to cope. I find myself tearful everyday hiding to cry away from her. My heart is shattered. I cannot imagine life without her here. It’s unbearable to think about it and actually causes a pain in my chest. I cannot think of my child not remembering her, life is so cruel :( 

Im so sorry you are going through this and your mom. I completely understand how you feel.. i have a pain in my chest too .. its all consuming sometimes. You are not alone, its so horrible. We have just gone to have a look at some xmasy things and i could barely think straight worrying if this is her last xmas and how will i get through this yr with all this hanging over us. I hope your moms treatment works xx

Thank you for your nice words.
It’s very consuming. I cannot think about anything else. I feel like everything else in life no longer matters. I feel such a strong need to spend every minute I can with my Mum as the ‘how long’ question drives me to insanity. I feel like I can’t switch it all off in my head and it’s all I think of all day everyday. 

It can feel very lonely. I think my friends have distanced themselves from me or perhaps that’s my mind being paranoid. Perhaps they don’t know what to say to me. I don’t know…

Yes Xmas. Birthdays. They now worry me too. I think will my mum make it to my daughters 2nd birthday in July. So many questions unknown..

thanks so much. When does your mum get more news?? Thinking of you. 
jessica. X

Hello, I've just joined the forum after reading your post, because I'm going through something very similar. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with mets a few days ago. They have to confirm with an endoscopy, but they're pretty sure. She's  already lost a stone, and she's  in pain too. Like your mum, she was fine, just with a bit of stomach and back pain and thought it was IBS getting worse but had gone to doctor to get checked out. She's been given an estimated 6 to 12 months without treatment, and maybe up to 2 years with but they'll know more after the endoscopy. I'm early thirties, she's just 60. I've just had my first baby, only a few months old, her first grandchild , and she's been so excited about grandchildren. I can't  imagine my little one and Amy future babies growing up nor knowing her. I'm in complete shock. Thank you for starting the thread. I'm so sorry you're  in such an awful position too.

Hey, I'm so sorry you're  going through this. I find it's  the thought of my child not remembering her too that really gets me, and I know it's  what gets mum too. I know exactly what you mean about the heaviness in the chest. It makes it feel hard to breathe sometimes. X

Its so sad, i go through feeling so sad that there are loads of different people feeling exactly the same as me but then relieved im not alone feeling this sad.

my mom hasnt been told anything but im not thinking it will be good which makes me worse as I havent told her or many other family members just my husband and cousin (and my closest friends) but i dont want to scare her or destroy any hope she has. I feel the same, my youngest turned 6m yday and we knew we wanted one more baby but was going to wait for 2-3yrs.. now i just think shall i just have another baby as i cant even think about bringing a baby into a world where she no longer lives .. it actually destroys me thinking of this. Has she been told about any treatment? We still havent seen an oncologist xx

I feel the same, everything seems very trivial in comparison.. 

im the same with my mom iv cooked for her most days last week but she wont let me round every day as she says she feels suffocated and wants to have some normality but i just want to be near her and make sure shes ok.

i sometimes have moments - very very fleeting moments where i forget if im with my boys and then it hits me like a tonne of bricks and i feel even worse than before. 
she has a liver biopsy tues and then i will chase it up the following monday and ask for a referral to oncology asap. I know the timeframes cancer patients have to be adhered to so i wont let my mom be waiting at all. Im outspoken at the best of times but i dont mind being the nuisance and annoying everyone on her behalf. What about your mom? 
i hope your friends havent distanced themselves from u especially in this horrific time but if you ever do feel like you need to talk to someone unfortunately going through the same please please inbox me. I will listen to whatevers on your mind x

I know what you mean. You don't  want anyone to be having the same feelings of crushing sadness  but at the same time it's  reassuring to know you're not the only one. The feeling of being in limbo is incredibly hard isn't  it? Must be very hard for you when your mum hasn't  been told anything. My mum hasn't been told about any treatment yet because she has to have the endoscopy and biopsy first. But she has seen an oncologist unfer the 2 week pthway because it was caught in a and e, and they are very sure of the diagnosis, so she's  already been given a specialist nurse practitioner to contact and access to some pain relief. Has your mum been referred to an oncologist on the 2 week pathway?