Emotions, just too many to manage

Hi there and a big hug from me.  I feel like i could have written that myself. You can read my story so far from posts but my partner has throat cancer that has metacised to his lungs after a year of treatment now i am finding it really hard and have all the feeling you do and guilt. I think it just helps to get it offf your chest.  I have a journal that i keep and i dont use it every day but just when i feel things are getting on top of me i write down my feelings and feel a bit better.  Also coming on here hasd helped me so much and reading that other people are going through what you are going through makes it a bit more acceptable i think.

Everyone tells me not to beat myself up for feeling this way and sometimes i snap and feel even worse after. I think there is an anger for missing out on the life we had planned and that eats away if you let it.  We are trying to do things and go places to make memories but i think that he is happy just pottering around doing nothing in particular and i want to cram in things but realise that i have to be content doing what he wants to do. 

He is on Immunotherapy treatment now so we are waiting to see if that will work for him and the waiting is torture too.

You sound like you have a really close relationship as do my partner and i and i suppose we just have to try and be strong for them and strong for ourselves.

I have the guilts now and just want to wake him up and tell him how much i love him and hope that we have a good day.  The sun is shining and we have to make the most of the time.

Its funny but looking back there were times when i would get annoyed that i seemed to be doing everything around the house, garden etc before he got ill but now i knowm that he physically isnt able to do these things i think it makes it easier to accpet that he is not just presuming i will do everything so it doesnt annoy me so much, does thast make any sense ??

Keeping busy is my way of delaing with lots of stressful situations so i just glory on.  Today i feel strong but i know that maybe later or tomoprrow i will be back feeling angry, hurt, cheated, let down, sad, lonely any any number of emotions that will have me taking the dog for a walk and having a good cry.

I think we have to try and accept that the type of person we are determins how we cope and there isnt a manual , well there are some helpful leaflets available on here and some lovely people who are willing to help others though they are going through hell themselves and for this i am very gratefull. Reading a few stories puts things in perspective for me and gives me strength.

Sorry for babbling on but you touched a nerve there and made me feel like i am not alone in my feelings.

Take care and keep strong.

Thank you Hillsider and a big hug back to you.

That made me cry, but most things do at the moment, good or bad, or adverts  so don't feel bad. As you say, it's just that seeing, from someone else, in words, something that you already know;  it's not just you!

Part of me is quite sure that my partner will have a good remission and we will learn how to manage and live with him having cancer. Some days that part gets squashed by the other stuff...

Given that I felt a little bit better after my post yesterday and just getting it off my chest as it were, maybe your journal idea could help...

Ironically I bought a diary for Mick so he could keep track of his treatment effects, thoughts and notes etc. as he went along. He is a very big reader and communicator. At an appointment early on - all of 2 months ago - he had it suggested to him that he should write as he gave such a positive account of his feelings etc. 

Thank you again for your response, I must get back to work but I will re read it again later and it's already helped.

Hope you both have a good day

X

It was good to read both your posts - my partner has terminal throat cancer.  I don't live with him, which is causing me all sorts of emotions from anxiety, guilt to trying to think of the future which then leads me back to that circle of emotions.  My sons are grown and left home, they love him dearly and I don't feel able to talk to them about how I am feeling as they have their own worries.  I guess writing on here let's it out.  

Hi there. Sorry to hear about your partner “Pencil”. Going through a range of emotions is completely normal. I have had a close family member diagnosed with cancer recently too and it’s been a big change for my partner and I. I’ve found it’s been full of ups and downs, sometimes I feel lucky to have shared all the time we have had together, other times I feel how unlucky we must be for this to have happened and that I don’t know how I’ll cope. Sometimes I feel compared to those diagnosed in the peak of the pandemic that we are fortunate to be in the position we are in, other times I feel it’s so unfair that it’s happening after what’s already been a difficult year. I don’t think there is necessarily a magic answer on how best to cope or manage things, but I hope it provides some comfort to know you are definitely not alone in feeling how you are feeling. Please also be kind to yourself. When I’m having these conflicting thoughts, I always think to myself “what would I say to a friend in this situation”? It’s not unreasonable at all to be annoyed that it’s happening at a time when you were due to enter an exciting new phase of life as you will grieving the loss of what could have been, and I’m sure if this was your friend, that is what you would say to them. 

Thinking about talking to a friend is a great way of looking at it.  I find it easier to reply to other Peoples posts and look at their situation standing back but I don’t seem to be able to deal with my situation so easily ! It is nice to know that you are not alone and that others are feeling the same.  It kind of takes away the quilt a bit.

keep on being strong on the outside….that’s the easy bit !

Thank you,

Sorry about your family member, I know how challenging it can be for a relationship when you are 'dealing with' support for someone else and the potential to be torn between what you are doing and what you want to do outside of the caring sort of responsibility, even simple things like visits.

It's good that you are taking steps to take care of yourself

I am very good at advising others in exactly the same way as you have me, just don't seem to be able to follow my own advice! (And I know that it is very good advice so more ironic)

Onwards and upwards, day at a time or even less, just little steps to keep going.

Somebody told me that the best advice they have been given is "just keep on keeping on"

That's what we're doing, well done to all of us! 

Take care all x

Hi Pencil.  Like Hillsider, I feel I also could have written your post myself.  My husband has recently been diagnosed with incurable throat cancer and has had his second round of immunotherapy today.  He is cool, calm and collected and has such strength and determination, whereas I am prone to throwing a huge hissy fit and stamping my size 3s.  This is our second round with this.  He was almost 10 years clear, but now it is back and won't be going away.  He won't have another scan until after his third treatment in September, but we know that there is a lesion on his liver that wasn't there on the first scans.  Is it secondary, will it develop, the results just say it is indeterminate.  I take my lead from him and we do things his way, though that is not always easy for me.  He worries more about me than himself.  We talk about things, but not all the time.  We try to live life as normally as we can, again not always easy.  I just feel cheated and angry.  I feel so lost sometimes I just want to run away.  It will be our 32nd wedding anniversary very soon.  I have a good supportive family and friends.  They serve different purposes for me, but they always grab me by the scruff of the neck when I am on my way down and haul me back up to where I need to be.  I hate all the waiting.  Having battled the system for several months now he is having treatment but we have to wait to see whether it is working, I almost don't know what to do with myself.  i did something today that I have never done before and that was to drop in to the Maggies Centre attached to our hospital where he was having his treatment.  Wow.  What a great place and such lovely people.  If you have one, I would highly recommend that you give them a try.  They kept me supplied with coffee, listened, talked if i wanted to talk, left me in peace in comfortable surroundings when i wanted to be alone for a bit, they dried my tears and just got it.

Getting it all out is what this place is all about.  Visit often.  There are no judges here, just always someone  who understands.

Take care of yourself as well as him xx

To Hillsider, Needing Help and Lesley 20, thoughts are with you all too xx

Hi and thank you!

I am not surprised that you feel like this, it's really hard once, so awful to have to go through it again and by the sounds of things, not straightforward to get the treatment either. Well done for just getting through every day!

Recently somebody told me that they were there if I wanted to talk. I bit my tongue because I just wanted to explain that I don't want to talk, I don't want to have anything to talk about, I want to go back to April and wake up again and it's not actually true. I want to laugh without a care, have a spontaneous night when we drink a tad too much and dance round the living room. I want to move to our new home and live the life we had been planning. I want to be irritated with him when he doesn't put stuff away repeatedly without a thought crossing my mind that I should be making the most of everything ...just in case. I want to not be scared. Nobody can really understand unless they have been through it I don't think, no matter how well intentioned. That is not to say that I don't appreciate family and friends, I just find it less challenging to offload here, as you say no judgement.

I unpacked another box in our new home today and in it was the breakfast sets I bought 'for the new home' months ago, before we had found the home and before the diagnosis. They are by Cath Kidston with flowers and Peanuts characters on,  in cream & yellow. They are about as cheerful as can be! They say on them 'life just gets better'. Mick said 'well it does' I felt cross, mostly because I don't feel like that, I didn't let on though. I smiled and this evening we went for a walk along the front and the Marina as the sun was setting. It was lovely...but... again, the 'but' just creeps in. 

I hope that once he has had a bit more treatment and we find out how it's going, I can see things a bit differently and less fear based. We are 'lucky' in as much as it's the start of the treatment and if he responds well we could have a 'good remission'. I know that is so much better than so many people, truly I do... I just have to get better at appreciating it. 

When he had the SRT at Charing Cross they had a Maggie's too. It was amazing, we were there 2 days and in the real hot spell in June. The centre was so cool and calming,  peaceful, restorative, just an amazing place! Given it is in such a busy place too it was more surprising. I am so glad for you that you were able to go there and I hope you do again.

(I saw a sign for somewhere I think is similar when we saw the Oncologist today, I am going to look into it...)

I hope that the waiting is somehow bearable and the treatment goes well for your Hubby. I hope that he continues to be strong, I know that the positive attitude and inner strength is a really important part of managing treatment and there's evidence of it improving results too so fingers crossed for all of us!

Thank you once again and I will be checking in here again.

Take care ️

I feel the same as you.. 

I am balancing support for everyone and he has been pretty awful at times and recently had been accusing me of lying to him about all sorts of stupid things. I'm so worried about him cos he feels so poorly but angry and resentful at the same time. Horrible times.. we have been trying to get organised. We made our wills and have also sorted all sorts of other house finance stuff but now I'm trying to do the atten da nice allowance form and it has me best. 

I'm so grateful to you and others on here already. I was feeling insanely guilty for all the mixed up emotions I've been feeling. I felt rotten for daring to be angry resentful and irritated when after all it is him going through it not me. But that's how I've felt. Just when things were going great, everything changed. Thank you for take.. appreciated.