Emotions, just too many to manage

Hi all,

My partner has cancer and I am not coping very well. Does anyone else just find themselves feeling really conflicting emotions and how do you manage?

I am angry and I feel almost cheated because it's come at a point where we were just moving to a lovely home and area and planning to have the next stage of our lives be so much better.

Now I feel like it's all changed and quite frankly spoilt. Then I feel guilty about the feelings because he is being so positive and strong and telling me how lucky we are.

I don't feel lucky, I feel terrified of losing him. Then I feel guilty for not having faith in him to fight it and have a good remission. 

And on it goes, conflict after conflict.

I had breast cancer when I was quite young really, 28, and we got through that together, he was my rock. I feel like I am letting him down by not being as strong and positive...but he has lung cancer that has already metastacised when it was found in May. It's a bit different...

I also know that I am really tired and it's completely understandable, moving to a new area, working full time and now all sorts of aspects of our relationship have changed. He can't drive so even a little thing like going to the shop or the recycling center is all on me. 

He has just had the first chemotherapy and immunotherapy treatment early this week and has been brilliant, only yesterday was he feeling generally unwell and slept a lot. I am so proud of him and his attitude and inner strength and then I say something, yet a bit of a snappy reply and I can't help but feel almost resentful as I am doing everything.

Honestly, I don't think anyone can really help, I think I just wanted to get it all out..

Thank you