*Trigger Warning*
So I haven't written on here in some time, I guess a lot has happened since. A bit of back story. My Mum has had cancer a total of 3 times now, first in her breast where a lumpectomy and a bit of radiotherapy was needed, we then went some time fine then it came back and had spread to her lymph nodes which meant she needed some aggressive chemo therapy along with full breast removal. She then went on another 5 years fine but one day at work she realised she cannot do her work went to drs and found out her cancer was back and had spread to her brain.
Everything went downhill very fast after that. She had the tumour removed but was it had spread was terminal. She never walked again after her op and was very slightly brain damaged though she was more or less all there in the mind. We got given 13 weeks with her and she went on for 2 and a half years. She needed 24/7 care however I refused to put her in a home…she was only 59 at the time as far too young. We made it so she could be at home with her partner and a live-in carer with me there more or less every day after work, weekends etc. I was put on furlough during the pandemic (only just came back to work!) for about a year and spent all that free time looking after Mum. I guess although I knew she was very ill I had become more secure in the fact she was still here…I would see her pretty much every day, talk to her, make her food, laugh and just spend time making her feel human. On 13.04.2021 I was sat at home getting ready to go to see her and I got a call from her partner stating that the carer had just called, and they had called 999 as it looked like she had, had a stroke. The words of her partner on the phone to me that day “whatever it is, she’s f**ked”. My heart sunk and I jumped in the car and drove to the hospital not even knowing if I was allowed in due to the pandemic I just wanted to be there. When she got to the hospital, she could mumble talk and had her eyes open. When I was allowed in to see her in A&E her eyes were closed, and she was breathing heavily. Sadly, she never opened her eyes again. She had a bleed on the brain where the tumour was, and it was just getting worse especially because she was on blood thinners for a blood clot she had in her lung. She would clench her hands and I would hold them but a few hours later the doctor came to check on her and her pupils were no longer responding. He then made us aware she had hours left. I stayed with her all night, during the night she developed the death rattle…for those who know what that sounds like I feel so sorry for you. It’s the worst sound that plays on my mind still to this day. I read her books, spoke to her, sat with her all night and all day. It got to the afternoon. Her partner had gone home to have a quick shower I popped out the ward to grab a drink and some fresh air and her partner arrived and said he had just had the call to say she had passed away…It seemed she was waiting for me to leave the room. We went back in and the sight of seeing my own mother dead…I see it every time I close my eyes. It haunts me. I knew she was at peace now, but I could not just stand there staring at her lifeless body anymore. My heart was shattered into a thousand pieces. Time went on, funeral was planned, it was beautiful, but it just feels so wrong, it still feels so wrong. I’m 29 she was 61 and she’s just gone…My family are moving on and I’m stuck feeling empty and lost. Not sure what I’m looking for really just wanted to vent my story out there.
