I just feel so sad

Hi Sunshine,

It is incredibly difficult to see someone you love going through this horrific disease and horrific treatment too. My husband is in week 5 of 7 of chemo & radiotherapy for cancer at base of tongue & lymph nodes. At the beginning when he was 1st diagnosed I thought I would be able to be strong enough to cope with this and be his rock. I’ve crumbled badly many times over the last few weeks, and my levels of stress and anxiety are through the roof. I feel exactly as you have described, overwhelmed, miserable and very scared. I really do feel for you, it’s a horrible place to be. 
What stage is you partner in with his treatment?
We just take 1 day at a time and try not to think about the future, just cope with what the day throws at you. I try to be ‘mindful’ I.e. focus and engage on what I am doing at that moment as it helps stop my mind from wandering off into the what-ifs. Find some time to escape, play with the kids/dog/gardening etc. Daily hugs and words of encouragement, I tell him how well he’s coping with everything and how much I love him, that I am here for him whatever he needs.
Is your partner getting all the help he can from his hospital team? Painkillers, liquid meal replacements etc. I can’t go with my husband when he has his appointments because of Covid and he isn’t really a chatty person, but I do remind him to tell them if something isn’t working well enough, as they can always swap something out like a different painkiller or anti-nausea med.
I was looking for an online CBT course/app that might help me through, I haven’t found one yet but will keep looking. Sorry I haven’t been much help, but just wanted you to know you are not alone in going through this and it is really difficult!

Jo x

Hi Little Ms Sunshine,

I think everybody on this board feels, or has felt, exactly the same way that you've described at some point in their journey - scared, overwhelmed, confused, lonely, afraid - cancer certainly does have some rotten bedfellows.

I cared for my late wife for a bit over 7 years and the first 1 or 2 were exactly as you described - putting a brave smile on the outside while on the inside I was crying, fearful and screaming. Luckily I became aware of how much these feeling were affecting me and, consequently, the care that I was providing for my darling.

The first thing I decided to do was to tell Margaret how I was feeling - that I was struggling (physically, emotionally and mentally). Prior to cancer, we told each other every thing and I realized that cancer had become a wall between us. Once I started talking openly, she started talking openly as well. We had both been hiding our feeling from the other to try and protect them. We both realized that the most valuable ally either of us had in this fight was each other.

Secondly, I asked questions - endlessly - about the medications, about the treatments, about possible and probable side effects, about bloody everything. Ignorance or lack of knowledge are the greatest incubators of fear. Know your enemy - his name is cancer.

Lastly, whenever I had a bad day (and there were lots), the last thing I would do at night was to take 5-10 minutes and write down all the things I had done that day to care for Margaret. The more I thought, the more that little list grew. Looking back, I'm surprised at how much I was able to accomplish. This gave me a little bit more confidence that I was doing OK and Marg was getting the best that I could possibly give.

Try not to focus too much on all the things you have yet to do.

Look with pride at all you have already done.

As a carer, every day is an opportunity to amaze yourself. 

Hang in there sweetheart.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

P.S. It's OK to get afraid, scared, lonely etc. We're all human and we all have limits. Be kind to yourself and try and recognize when you're approaching yours. If you can't look after yourself, how can you look after anyone else? ;-)

Hi ewen I'm new to this (2months in)caring for my wife and I can associate  with all you have said.. Its good to know that someone has the same thoughts .worries etc as me (I had no idea that these feelings were normal

Thank you for your inspiration  regards Derek

Hi HedgehogVisiting, If you put your post code in here it will give you a list of groups in your area. I looked for my area and did find an online CBT course for carers but in my area rather than nationwide (presumably they ask where you live), you need to do a bit of scrolling as there's loads that come up, but I hope you find something, and your GP (although you've probably already asked) could refer you to any local online courses.  Maggie's Centres are spoken of very highly and give online support as well as in their centres.  

Big hugs,

I’m going through the same thing and it is so sad and so difficult. People keep telling me to make the most of the time we have left and to be positive but its very hard to do that when all i can see is the bleak future ahead. I have found talking to family and friends does help if only briefly. I also found writing down the emotions i was feeling helped as i felt like i was offloading some of the pain that i find hard to express to others. Don’t forget you are not alone and make the most of any help you are offered 

Love xxx

Hi I totally  agree with everything you have said .I'm in the same situation  as you ,and its bloody  hard.but it's not going to go away  so it's just get on with it                               and yes  your not alone we are all out there for each other  Best wishes     

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Hello LoobyLou49,

Thank you so much for your advice in finding a cbt course, I did put my postcode in but sadly there was nothing online. There was 1 group available but I am avoiding contact with others at the moment due to Covid, my husband has very low immunity from chemo and my priority is to keep him safe. We live in the sticks so nothing is local, poor hubby has to travel over 3 hours everyday for his treatment. I will keep looking though! I just wanted to say thank you.

Jo x

HedgehogVisiting You're most welcome Jo. Sorry there was nothing online for you.

Hugs,

Hi Derek yeah it's hard I feel all the same emotions aswell. I've been bottling it all up and recently had a breakdown this morning due to it all I'm scared to talk to my mum in law about it as she's the one going through it but that's the only way you can move forward with these things xx