Sole carer

Hi and a warm welcome to Carers. I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. I have some links for you to get some help in the home. I know you said she won't have 'strangers in the home' but your health counts too. If you become ill through over tiredness and exhaustion you won't be able to look after her, so you might have to take control and be firm. It's probably a blessing that she is 'sleeping most of the time' since you can at least get a break while she does sleep.

Carers Assessment in Northern Ireland. The council will assess what care support you and your aunt need in the home. Carers Factsheet for carers in N.I. Preparing for a carers assessment  things you need to know.

I would suggest you phone her specialist nurse and ask advice about the appointment. Does your own GP know what you're going through? It does help if they know, plus, get onto the GP surgery carers register as that will open up more help for you.

If you need to chat, please do call the helpline on 0800 808 0000. The line is manned by experts who can help with a whole host of things. Please let me know how you get on.

Love and hugs,

Thank you so much for your reply. The links will be extremely useful as I'm completely out of my depth caring for someone so ill. She doesn't have a specialist nurse as yet....I'm assuming when she has her appointment at the Cancer Centre this week she will be assigned one?

I agree with having to be firm...I'll have to bite the bullet ...as ultimately it's for her best interests.  I've only spoken to the GP briefly when I needed to take her to A&E last week. I will make an appointment for myself. It seems stupid putting it in black and white but I somehow felt ashamed at not being able to cope...felt selfish .

Thanks again for your reply....it has been very helpful. Not just practically but emotionally.

Warmest regards

Jean

Hi

Can her son fly if he chooses to do so or  are flights restricted.

If flying is okay  you have to tell him.how you feel

Hayley

, Hi Jean, There's nothing selfish about needing and accepting help when things are tough and I'm delighted to hear that you are feeling so much better. Yes, your aunt should have a specialist nurse assigned to her; someone you can call for advice. It would be a good idea to ask abut hospice care in the home as well, they are marvellous.

Thinking of you,

Hi Hayley. Flights are not restricted as yet....he chooses not to come. He did come over briefly 4 weeks ago. He telephones her twice a day but I think if he saw her he would definitely come over. She has changed so much in the 4 weeks since he was here. It just makes me terribly sad that the one thing that would bring her comfort hasn't happened. 

My worry is that if flight restrictions are imposed he won't get over any time soon.

Jean

Hi Jean

At the risk of sounding harsh....he is being very selfish to you both...the other alternative is he doesn't want to see what is facing him.

Have they been close previously?

I am also inclined 

To agree with others and you should call upon outside help you have to think of you and your son as well

Please stay in touch

Hayley

Hi Hayley

I've always thought they are close. My thoughts are that he is having trouble accepting that his mum is terminally ill. Him and I were always close too and I hate how this is making me feel. I'm fignting so hard not to let feelings of resentment creep in to my mind. I can just about cope with the physical side of being a carer...it's the emotional side that is draining me. 

Thanks so much for your reply. Just being able to put my thoughts down helps so much.

Jean

Hi Jean

I think a lot of us bury our heads in the sand not wanting to face things until we have to.

I think the emotional side is harder...physically we can somehow find half hour to recharge. 

This is going to sound a silly idea now ...but why don't you write to him saying exactly how yiu feel  tell him he will struggle with his own feelings eventually if he doesn't do the "right thing"...I think sometimes writing it down is a powerful tool.

Also tell him you are struggling in no uncertain terms and that you need to be there for your own son as he needs to be there for his mother.

Always here if you want to chat (wish I wasn't on this site at all though!)

Hayley x

Hi again Hayley.

I can understand the putting the head in the sand thing but ultimately it can lead to feeling so much worse. I've  been a carer in some capacity for most of my life and discovered that the hard way! 

I had thought about writing him a letter....you know...one of those where you get it all out and then burn it or something. I really don't think I could cope with the emotional fall-out if I actually sent it. He had told his mum he wasn't coming over but not me....don't think he could face me. I think for the sake of my mental health I'll just have to let it be....let him deal with his own demons. I cared for my mum for twelve years and when she died I was devastated but had no feeling of guilt or regret.

I sincerely wish no-one had need of sites like this but they are a God-send. A few kind words from a virtual stranger , and practical suggestions, are really helpful. 

Jean x