Missing intimacy and sex

Hi, I am sorry to hear of your husbands diagnosis. I don't think you should feel guilty about the way you feel. Intimacy keeps a marriage strong. It sounds as though your husband is understandably struggling to come to terms with his illness and probably doesn't feel up to any such activity, perhaps he is afraid of disappointing you. The alcahol I suspect he feels helps him cope.

The kissing and holding hands is important. Do you think he's so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't realise how much you need confirmation of his love and some physical contact. I missed the hugs from my partner, he said it hurt him but sometimes I wondered if the hurt was a mental rather than physical pain.

I'm sure other people on this forum will give you fantastic advice. It's important to talk. Don't ever think you are alone in this. Best wishes Pam x

Hi Mand14 and welcome to carers. You are not selfish at all, just normal and you can't expect yourself to be otherwise. My husband had to have his prostate gland out and, as the cancer had spread they took the nerves out too. The result is life long impotence and the usual checks to see what other treatment is necessary, but I'm in my 70s so it's a very different story; I'm way past the menopause so no hormones. For you it's quite different and I feel for you in such a difficult situation. Have you spoken to your husband's specialist nurse? It might be that a mediator could help and I wonder if you have a Maggie's Centre nearby. They are spoken of very highly and support those with cancer and/or their carers with courses for stress and more. There might be a suitable cancer support group in your area, pop your post code in to find one near you. Clearly your husband needs help but remember that it's important not to ignore the impact all this will have on your own mental health so I'd also suggest you chat to your GP as s/he might come up with some useful advice. I hope there's something useful here and please let me know if you need more information.

Love and hugs,

Hi LoobyLou49,

Thankyou so much for your kind message and advice.It has just made me cry that finally I can tell someone how I’m feeling and not be judged.I have been so strong the last 2years for everyone and our 15 year old daughter.But now I realise that the loss I’m feeling is huge and I need to reach out for support.My husband has finally agreed to see a counsellor so hopefully that will help him.When I spoke to my gp they didn’t really have any answers as there is nothing they can do for him on the sexual side of things.

 I’m sorry to hear your story too and sending love and hugs xx

Hi Pam,

Thankyou for your kind message.Yes definitely the alcohol is his way of coping and an escapism to everything that has happened.Im glad I’m not alone in feeling the need for physical contact .I know he is angry that cancer has taken so much of his life he can no longer work or go out much and prior to his diagnosis he lost both his parents in the space of 6 months.He is carrying so much grief and it has took me this long to get him to agree to see a counsellor so hopefully that will help a little.

Thankyou for understanding and not judging me.

much love 

Amanda 

Hi Amanda,

I am so sorry for the lack of intimacy in your relationship and so understand your need for physical contact and intimacy.

I remember when my husband's illness got progressively worse, there was less and less intimacy between us. I have often explained here on this forum and in the "Bereaved Spouse" forum where people are angry or disappointed at least of the lack of intimacy that I think that this happens for different reasons. One reason I think is the fact that the illness as well as trying to deal with their own grief and anxiety and distress that comes with their illness takes so much energy from them that there is simply no energy left to think of the other half in the relationship and their needs, that reaching out to put their arm around you or cuddle up to you in bed at night is simply too much. It's like all their energy is put into surviving - surviving with the cancer and surviving the emotional distress. But the other thing I think - and I have certainl found that in my own husband - is that becoming close and intimate would hurt so much because it would remind them all the more of what they have lost or are about to lose and in order to protect themselves from that pain they don't even go there. In your situation where drink is involved as a coping mechanism that too may do its part.

Of course knowing all this doesn't make it easier.

I remember one night, not long before my husband's death, we went to bed in the evening and I was so tired and so in need of a good hug and cuddle because I had done so much during the day for us and for him and I was just wrecked. He however came to bed, turned on his side and was about to put his headphones in to listen to music while going to sleep. "Can you not at least turn to me and kiss me good night?" I asked, "Are you so self-absorbed?" When I think about that now it really hurts. But I had come to the end of what I could take. He turned and kissed me, but almost reluctantly, and I said angrily something like, "You know, I feel I become more and more your carer and lose more and more the role of lover and wife." I felt very guilty for that for many months after his death. But today I know that I was just so in need for intimacy, in need for him, in need of being seen and loved that I couldn't stop myself.

I think for him to do some counselling could be good. It may help him to open up to you a little more. And maybe you could even go along to one or two sessions and express there and then how you are feeling and maybe you can work on it together?

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel,

Thankyou so much for your honest and thoughtful reply it must be very painful for you to write about ,I really do appreciate you sharing it with me.It does sound exactly how I am feeling and the situation is very similar about him not even wanting to give me a kiss at night .It really hurts me but now I have read your reply I’m understanding more about all the extra emotions he must be feeling especially the one about being reminded of what he has lost and is going to lose.

Thankyou for understanding 

much love 

Amanda 

Hi Mand14

this is not easy to write......dont have anyone I can discuss this with, so anonymously in a forum seems the best & only way, I can share my story

i am in a similar situation, my Wife has secondary breast cancer, in her bones and liver, would not take chemo again, but on Denosunab injections every 6 weeks, has now agreed to a Chemo drug, was ok on a low dose, but was increased and now she gets very bad nausea. Oncologist, giving her a couple of weeks off and lowered the dose and given her stronger anti nausea drugs. She started getting bed sores, but bought a sheepskin fleece and lies on her back and so far so good. Recently lost appetite, but could be the chemo meds. Spends all day playing mobile phone games, while I make tea, clean, cook dinner etc etc. The daily routine never changes from one day to the next.....she is on a huge amount of meds, which I now have sorted and prepare each day.
What I hate most, is the total absence of any intimacy, before cancer, we were not overly active, but had a reasonable sex life. Now there is Nothing. In fact we have slept in separate bedrooms for over two years, Unfortunately I have strong sexual needs and have on many occasions asked my Wife to simply lie next to me for ‘encouragement’ and allow me to pleasure myself, but there’s always a reason not to, too tired too,late, too early, too nauseas etc etc...
I feel I am being as fair as I can, I don’t expect proper sex, she is obviously not up to that ( I have to help her into bed at night ) I just want her to give me some ‘inspiration’ to help me ( started taking sidenfill, as without it I can’t manage anymore, ) so if my Wife were to ‘help me’ we would need to plan about an hour ahead.

So I have to manage on my own, after she has gone to bed, , as I have for the past years, miss the intimacy with my Wife so very much.....it’s very easy to get resentful, I feel she no longer cares 

About me, in an intimate way, I have just become a full time carer, nothing more, even conversations are mostly limited to housework shopping etc. We spend evenings watching movies together, which we  share and enjoy......that’s about it.....I know there’s many worse off than myself, but it simply doesn’t help.....

Hi Arthurd

Thank you for sharing your story I appreciate your openness and honesty.It is also nice to know I’m not alone and to hear a male perspective.

Your life sounds very similar to mine . I’m now a full time carer to my husband and there is zero intimacy not even kisses and cuddles.You are right when you say you can feel resentful as I do on many occasions but also I don’t feel appreciated either .

i long to just have that bit of physical contact.I do have to pleasure myself when I can but it still doesn’t fill that Human need for intimacy and closeness.

My Gp suggested having an affair and I know most people would be extremely shocked and probably disgusted with me if told them I had actually thought about it .

Unless you live the life that we are living day in day out then I don’t think you really understand how it is.The grief and loss you experience seeing you loved one suffering and fading in front of you is so so difficult to deal with and all the emotions and feelings that go with it.

please take care and know that what you are feeling is ok .We are all human and have needs and desires after all .

if you would prefer to private message me then that is ok too.Always happy to listen and support if I can.

mand x

I would PM, but can’t see how to, not the easiest forum to navigate.....can’t even see a way to view posts I made.....

It’s ok I agree it’s not an easy forum to navigate 

if you go in to your profile you should see a friends list on there you have the option to pm people .

Hope that you are ok

mand x