It's All My Fault

Hi DorothyOz,

When reading your posts, a number of things to consider have come to mind.

Firstly, I am so sorry you are on this very difficult journey, and it is a difficult journey for both of you.

Secondly, I don't know what your relationship was like before the cancer, but whatever the relationship was like before, I am sure the cancer and all the physical and emotional and mental stress that come with it put a strain on the relationship, it would happen with the best of all relationships.

Thirdly, I think that perhaps your husband's brain cancer plays a part in his behavioural change. I am not an expert of course, particularly not on brain cancer, however I do know that very often there is a behavioural and emotional change in people with brain tumors. So do you think that this could play a part and be partly responsible for his outbursts towards you?

Fourthly, I remember from going through the cancer journey with my husband how he was aggressive with me at times, not liking what I did, saying I belittled him and that he didn't need help and if I would just shut up everything would be easier. And I have come to the conclusion that he did this out of his own despair and anxiety because of the cancer. Of course it is not okay to treat your partner like that, I am not at all emplying it is, but this could partly be an explanation I think. I think for us women it is often so much easier to talk about our fears and our distress than it is for men, they sometimes just don't know how to express those feelings. Maybe he is very scared but it comes out in rage? And also you were saying that he is breaking things and then complaining about the poor quality of whatever he has broken, which makes me think that he is well aware of a change in his physical abilities but that it frigthens him. What do you think?

Those are just a few thoughts.

If shopping is a break from the situation at home with him that you feel you need, then go shopping as often as you can on your own. We all need our time to ourselves to recharge our batteries and to not break down under all the pressure.

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel,

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I have considered all your points, and agree. 

Of course he is anxious, frightened, and angry at his body for not being able to do everything it used to do. 

I guess I am just saying that knowing all of that doesn't make it any easier. If he won't acknowledge it, how can we be in it together? He is on his own, raging at everything, and I am on my own, trying to deal with it. I can't go shopping alone more than about once a week, or I am made to feel like I am deserting him.  

We are both powerless.  He just won't help himself, or let me help him to help himself. 

I am hoping that the immunotherapy will be effective in shrinkig the, and his personality will somehow be revived. In the meantime I am hanging on, and he is perfectly lovely to everyone else.  I have mentioned it to his sister, and she told me that it's to be expected, so obviously I can't say anything about it ever again.  

I think my batteries are just about done. Hopefully just flat, though, and not completely dead.

Love Dot

Hi  and welcome to the Community and to Carers, although I'm sorry to hear what a rotten time you're having. You might find some helpful information in the secondary brain cancer group here. I think you've hit the nail on the head with your batteries being flat. Your husband's behaviour is much like many who have brain tumours (from what so many other carers have said) and I feel for you, but you are not at all a 'self pitying freak', far from it, you're perfectly normal. Ranting and raving are all a part of coping; you might like to try dropping into The Room where members go to do just that... have a good rant then come out and close the door on it. Have you tried contacting the council to see what support you are entitled to? If the GP hasn't already referred your husband to the local hospice it's worth asking for that as it opens up a whole lot more support in the home. It might help, if it's not already in place, to have someone come in and sit with your husband while you get out for a break to focus on something else. And talk to us as often as you like, we're here for you.

Love and hugs,

Hi Dorothy,

I know that knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier.

It must be very difficult to take all the anger, either directed towards himself and his own body or towards you, all the time. And I do understand what you mean when you say that, unless he starts acknowledging his own situation with all the feelings that involves, you can't really be in it together.

I too found that it was a lonely journey when my husband was like that. Well, he wasn't always like that, but sometimes and particularly towards the end he could be quite irrational. I remember one night after I had put us to bed he was saying something again about how untidy the bedroom was and that I should do more in the house, and I just freaked out and said, "You know, the more you are angry with me and say a lot of hurtful things" - which I won't go into here - "the more I feel like your carer and no longer like a wife who is being loved." You know what his answer was? "Do you want to divorce me?" In other words, he didn't see anything wrong at all with the way he was behaving.

I am glad you are reaching out to this group because there is always someone here to listen.

Hopefully things will improve for you.

Love, Mel.

Thanks LL xx I was really feeling a bit sorry for myself yesterday.  You will all know how hard it is, though, to try and stay positive while your loved one seems hellbent on focusing on the negative.

I had cancer of the bladder myself 18 months ago and had the tumour removed and targeted chemotherapy for 8 weeks afterwards, and I can remember wondering what the big deal was when people found out and the merest acquaintance fell to bits in front of me. 

I have difficulty realising that we are all different, and I think |I am trying to force my coping mechanism onto my husband, and while we have always operated as one unit, and are as close as you can possibly get, we are not the same person!

We will get there - not sure where that will be - I think he is a little afraid of living and not dying now. The saddest thing to me is that I will have to distance myself from him a little, in order to stay close.

This site is such a good thing for me - I can't say these things to his family or friends without appearing to be completely heartless - Thanks for listening. 

Love Dot xx

Hi Mel,

Yes, I feel like the carer already - but not even that; he would be less likely to react in such a way if it were anyone but me.  I'm sad to say that I just had to have a go back at him, and told him it was unacceptable.

This lead to a day long sulk, basically. 

Tomorrow is another day, though, as Scarlett would say.  And today is better already, knowing there is some support out there from people who have been, or are still in the same place.  I don't feel quite so abnormal and "wrong".

Thank you x