Balancing caring and work

Hi and welcome to the community and I am sorry to hear about your husband.

I know at times when Janice has been not in the best of health imy work has in some ways been something of a relief, a steady force in a crazy world where normality still applied. You might be interested to read I'm looking after someone with cancer as I am sure there will be a lot you can relate to there.

One of our friends was a wonderful support when Janice was going through treatment, I hope some of your friends and family can help provide some support so you can feel confident and do the work you need to do.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Twirl. Its a tricky path, as if you don't feel enough guilt yourself for needing to be in work. Whilst family may think that you should be spending every moment with your husband they haven't had to walk in your shoes. There are many reasons probably why you feel the need to go, and as others have said, you have to do what you feel is right for you, and perhaps they could help you shoulder some of the responsibilities  x

Hi Steve 

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for the link. My family think they are helping but it’s coursing me stress knowing there are things I need to do before the end of the academic year. It’s so hard to be torn. Our family are so supportive, but Danny isn’t close to his family so if I go out he  won’t spend time with them. I’m hoping it will all calm down as time goes on and we all find our feet. 

Twirl 

Hello, you are right in that no one is waking in my shoes at the moment. My husband isn’t close to his family or mine so won’t rely on them at the moment. Hopefully as time goes on that will change. Thank you for replying, it’s nice to speak to other who understand. Xx

I'm also struggling with this one.  I work in a school and have been off work for the last wek since my husband was admitted to hospital with a brain tumour.

I'm planning on going back to work tomorrow for the last two weeks - dreading facing everyone but can't spend any more time at home just moping around - I work very close to home and can continue to do hospital visits late afternoons.  I feel as if I'm being disloyal but also fear for my own mental health if I don't 'get back out there'.  It's such a hard one to call.

I’m so sorry to hear this, I can only imagine how hard it is for you. It is incredibly difficult and I completely agree, disloyal is 100% how I feel. It good for you that you can go to work and still see him everyday. No one can ask more of you than that, and it’s only two weeks then I’m guessing you’ll have 5/6 weeks to give all of your time to him if that’s what is needed! You do have to look after you as well in all of this (I know this is a really hard thing to do in situations like this!).

I’m going to school tomorrow to discuss a phased return to work. Im hoping I can do a few hours here and there around appointments and things. I don’t think I can take my class back I’d just like to assessments and some transition things. But I have no idea if I can do that and what I’ll do if they say I can’t! 

To Twirl and 1957jools

Don't let others tell you how to feel, this is your journey and your shoes you have to walk. Must admit I get tetchy when I hear that others are making any carer feel guilty. I've been close to telling some in my life to just sod off, they have no idea what you're going through and have absolutely no right to tell what and how to feel (sorry, rant over).

I've worked all through mum's poor health since being diagnosed 18 months ago. I have been lucky in agreeing with my company what I could cope with work wise but I have found it a relief some days. Just to go into work and feel like life is 'normal'. Not to have to think about gp and district nurse visits, commodes, pain relief, carers and their rotas you know what I mean? It makes you feel like a normal working adult not just a carer.

Do whatever is right for you and your loved one, trust your own instincts and judgement you won't be wrong. Its you having to go through this with your loved one not them.

If you think the conversations at work will be difficult check what you have as a right being a carer, loads of info here at MacMillan and elsewhere and have in mind what you think you'll be able to cope with. Good luck both of you, let us know how you get on xx

Work has and is important to me. I've gone part time but find it a relief to be thinking of other things and stepping away from cancer a bit. My partners not so lucky and can't  step away from cancer but that doesn't meat I shouldn't.  He's  very likely in his last 6-12 months and I going to need work.

I provide my colleagues  with quick updates so I don't get a continual flow of sympathetic  head tilting and 'how are you's , what's happening'.  I have said not to tip toe round me and behave normally and that I  will ask or say what I need. This lessened pressure and things ticking over. I do have to watch myself when I am noticing getting short tempered at things that seem really significant, and take a few mins away. 

So if your heading off to work, enjoy what you can.

Like everyone else has said, it's a very individual choice and will depend on so many things (like whether you have support, financial means ect). I decided to give up work to look after my mum a year ago and it's really crippled me financially and had quite a negative impact on my mental health. I just started part time work again and it's been really difficult because I'm not used to it and find it exhausting being around new people all day. So, my advice would be to keep a foot in the 'real world' so that you don't lose touch with your own life   

X 

Made it into work today - have been in same job for many years so all familiar but still quite a big step.  Worst thing is having to tell everyone but at least once they know, they don't need to be told again.  Glad I've done it and your advice about keeping a foot in the 'real world' is very true x