Hi, took yesterday and today off work (not like me) as feeling so low/can't stop crying) and rang Macmillan yesterday for advice and suggested counselling and to talk ... so here goes. Husband diagnosed with bowel cancer last May which obviously was huge shock for us both. Had major surgery in June which was really successful and made excellent recovery. Then in August were told by Registrar in Oncology that only had 2% chance of cancer returning so, in her mind, suggested chemo not needed. 5 minutes later, her boss walked in and said we shouldn't think 2% as a low chance as imagine you are in Grand National and that outsider you didn't bet on comes in. To cut long story short, husband wanted to take chance to not have it, but I agreed with Consultant so he went ahead.
In September, after completing the very first cycle of chemo, he became desperately ill and had to be rushed to hospital with 39.5 temperature and ended up being in a "cell" of a room for 5 weeks undergoing all kinds of horrific treatment due to a severe and, were told, very rare side effects of chemo which made him lose every bit of his skin from head to toe and all his nails, couldn't keep anything down and was delirious for over a week. To top it all, after not having to have a stoma after initial surgery (his WORST fear) I was told (away from him) that his stomach had distended so much that his bowel and appendix were nearly at bursting point and they might have to remove the lot!!! He was oblivious to this (I was not). Thankfully he turned a corner with that part, however, was losing weight at an alarming rate and his morale was at an all time low due to being kept in a "cell like room" 24/7 after contracting MRSA!! We made decision to discharge and came home 2stone 4lbs lighter in the 5 weeks he had been there. Gradually got him home and with lots of tender loving care got him back to normal weight.
As his wife, I was obviously at hospital day and night, often until midnight as love him (still do), however, since Novembe)r I have noticed that he is criticising absolutely everything I do - my dinners are awful, my driving is appalling, my job is useless, I need to contribute more money (I am due for a pay rise and he has returned to work full time in January) and that I am lazy!! None of what he says is true and my family and friends have told me so and have noticed his "nit picking", however, I am feeling so anxious and panicky all the time now and go into a depression thinking about what to cook as worrying what he will come up with. This week after huge row on Friday, he has been buying his own food - I am not eating as feel too upset.
Since he has come out of hospital, I have been trying to get him to talk to someone as it was such a traumatic experience and he is not the type of person who will talk to anyone (his father told him men never talk about their feelings as is a weakness). He doesn't have close friends and his siblings are of same ilk as he is and when I have tried to ask them to talk to him, they have told me that it is our marriage and need to get on with it. I have even suggested these forums to discuss but he has refused, as well as me saying I would go with him for counselling. Nothing/ has even said he would get divorced than go for counselling!!
In the last few weeks his actions have become more physical i.e. I have had my car keys pulled out of my car whilst I was driving and pulling up my handbrake because he demanded I take him straight home (we were running late to collect my daughter) and refused to come instead of making me even later by taking him home. I have had washing thrown in my face and been shoved out of our bed after arguing because I can't take much more!!
I know he loves me and I love him, but WHAT do you do with someone who point blankly refuses to talk ? I totally understand he is worried as has first check up on 11 July (colonoscopy) and he has told me that if cancer returns he won't be strong enough to deal with it. I have given as many cuddles/reassurances that I will be there/face things together, but his behaviour is becoming unacceptable/I am feeling resentful towards him because of the constant digs and feel our marriage might be ending, although neither of us wants to deep down.
Sorry for my long essay, has anyone else dealt with these feelings and how to get your partner to open up. I have in my head that I should leave things until after the appointment on 11th July as talking to him is not helping and since Sunday it has been the silent treatment.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi I no what you mean my hubby personality has changed so much I feel for you our children have grown up but they seen the way he’s spoke to me and told him to wind his neck in like you he’s my best
ate my friend always together we think the same I no it sounds daft but this person who’s sat next to me is not my hubby then all off a sudden he’s calm it’s very strange sorry I am not much help x
